My open diary

[Christophe]

Day One

Alcoholism brings a person down. Since becoming fully aware of my alcohol addiction, I have been trying to stop drinking, but without success. I approach alcohol addiction as a learning process rather than an illness, because I am convinced that I want to become sober and am capable of moving forward in this life experience. I don’t believe that we can take a “big leap” towards abstinence, as if we were entering a dark tunnel with the promise of leading us to the light.
What weighs on me and exhausts me is the futility of my daily excessive alcohol consumption. I want to react and succeed in saying “no” to myself.

A beach at low tide has wrinkles, slimy or already dried-up hollows. We see what remains: it is desolate, dreary, a landscape full of flaws. This landscape is a paradox (because we know that the sea will engulf everything again), like the answer to the question “how does alcohol harm me?” It is the eternal in the ephemeral.

The entire reward circuit is disrupted by a toxic routine of drinking in the evening, forgetting myself, weakening, and slowly daring to understand that I am pushing life away like the receding sea. The lucid alcoholic sees all those years lost forever in an insignificant hollow filled with hopes and promises of an authentic life that he would have missed. This illusion is crystal clear to me because it makes so much sense. Nevertheless, the reality is quite different, and I must move forward so as not to lose my balance. I must pull myself together and become sober.

I am convinced that by leading a sober life, I will be healthier and happier. And I cling to this hope every day. So why not start a journal?

[SinceIAwoke]

Mon franchise est pauvre, mais je comprends un peu de ton “journal”. Bienvenue a Talking Sober, je suis heureux que tu sois la.

[Christophe]

In the evening.

I want to make myself available to life. It expects my effort and my pride.

Among my family, ever since I was a child, we have avoided responsibility through indignation, we have dodged courage by sowing misunderstanding. And that’s where we’ve stayed! Digging ever deeper the riverbed that separates us from ourselves. But I never wanted that. I never chose to be a coward, yet I became one. The bottle became a comforter, alcohol giving me the illusion that I deserve a break from my ruminations.

The real illusion is to still believe it is possible, worse, desirable, to cross the river with my parents and brothers. That’s why I left them, and that’s why I must now dare to stop drinking.

Nervous tension and agitation are wearing me down with fatigue. I’ll have insomnia tonight. I’m adopting mindfulness techniques to deal with the cravings. Or a cold shower, which is also effective. Writing, reading, walking. It’s at the beginning of withdrawal that you realize that drinking alcohol alone means wasting your time.

Thank you for reading and welcoming me to the Talking Sober Community. It helps me to actively withdraw, and it’s good for my morale to know that my testimony can help others.

I’m sticking to my plan tonight.

[Pandita]

Bienvenue dans cette communauté vraiment formidable. Et félicitations pour avoir cherché de l’aide et pour avoir pris des mesures concrètes vers la sobriété. Quand j’ai commencé ce voyage à la fois sauvage et magnifique il y a environ 3 ans et demi, j’étais complètement perdu·e et j’avais l’impression que la vie me filait entre les doigts. Je buvais en cachette, et déboucher une bouteille de vin le soir était, selon moi, la seule chose qui me procurait de la joie. Du moins, c’est ce que je croyais. En réalité, cela m’enfermait dans une boucle dépressive et j’étais bloqué·e, émotionnellement et mentalement. Je n’avançais plus.

Grâce à cette communauté et à la thérapie, j’ai parcouru beaucoup de chemin depuis. Pour la première fois dont je me souvienne, je me sens en paix avec moi-même, et je sais avec certitude que je peux affronter tout ce que la vie mettra sur mon chemin. Je n’ai plus besoin d’une béquille extérieure pour me sentir bien.

Les débuts peuvent être difficiles. Tenir un journal, pratiquer la gratitude et rester connecté·e ici ont été les trois piliers de ma sobriété. Quand les envies ou l’ennui arrivent, sois prêt·e. Cela passera, et ce sera de plus en plus facile. Ne fais pas face seul·e : il y a ici beaucoup, beaucoup de personnes qui vivent la même chose. Et utilise les soirées pour découvrir ce qui, en dehors de l’alcool, peut t’apporter de la joie.

Mon français est assez basique, donc ceci est une traduction via ChatGPT — j’espère que cela a du sens ! Just meant to say: Je suis vraiment heureux·se que tu nous aies trouvés, et j’ai hâte de te revoir par ici.

[Christophe]

Day 2

Hi Dear Community!

I stayed calm last night, but images and thoughts kept running through my head. My mouth was dry, so I rehydrated several times.

I became lonely even though I live with my wife and three children. Despite my addiction, I never hurt them; my family has always been my priority. They have been disappointed by my attitude (being grumpy and withdrawn is due to my alcohol consumption), but nothing to worry about. Alcoholism is a burden I have been carrying since adolescence, with a few periods of sobriety, you know how it is.

Jogging 10km to eliminate toxins. This is when it gets difficult. My bad habits of drinking alone are besieging me. My brain is reasoning and drawing hasty, fatalistic conclusions. I ignore it with full awareness. The panic craving will last 5 minutes. And there will be others. I’m sticking to the plan. The near future will tell me if I have courage and discipline.

Have a good day, everyone, sober warriors!

[Christophe]

Afternoon at a standstill for 1.5 hours. I read your messages and it’s a great thing to be part of the community. Back pain. Tonight I’m going to read a real book with herbal tea and jazz. A simple and reliable plan. This second day seems endless. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’ll study tips and tricks to effectively deal with the consuming cravings because I constantly need to relax. It takes a lot of energy. Not exactly a super cool evening ahead. Just responsible.

[Christophe]

I know my life has been ruined by addiction, but it’s not over. It cant end like this. I still have choices, and I’m capable of making choices. I make choices to maintain my dignity. A human being must be worthy if they truly want to live. To have dignity is to have courage, to be honest, to be resilient, to accept happy moments, to be recognized and accepted. It’s not to be a shadow of oneself.

The overproduction of feelings of boredom and loneliness in me has allowed alcohol to become a means of temporarily escaping a serious trouble. So I’m going to fill this emotional void with a new challenge. I’m going to give myself a solid kick in the ass.

In a few days, I’ll embark on a new lifestyle to effectively combat cravings, particularly in their response to a feeling of lack of pleasure. I’m going on an 8-day trek on my own. This should help rebalance the brain circuits linked to pleasure and motivation. The goal is to restore sensitivity to natural rewards. The desire to do this trek will be stronger than the desire to drink. And during this trek: simplicity and frugality. It’s a good plan.

Is this desire persistent? Of course it is! I know that for a fact. But it no longer scares me. I’m done being afraid, sitting alone, letting doubt play with me, going around in circles, and falling back into the same old patterns over and over again. So: I, too, am persistent! And I’m getting ready to take action.

[Christophe]

Why do recovering alcoholics express a vital need for empathy and sympathy? These are the two basic emotions that make us social beings.

It took me years to dare, and then to want, to be part of a community that respects its members’ need to satisfy these needs. I am beginning to think that this is one of the fundamental pillars of maintaining a sober life. That’s what Pandita told me yesterday. You’re absolutely right @Pandita, and I thank you.

[Christophe]

It’s hard to fall asleep. I finally slept for four hours. I want to take stock of my life as an addict.

Ever since I was born, there has been misunderstanding and violence in my family. I am the youngest of three siblings, and my two brothers regularly picked on me. There was harassment, intimidation, persecution, sexual touching, and violence. Ever since my brother pointed a loaded Browning GP35 at my forehead, I’ve thought that life is worthless. I was 10 years old. At that time, there were bottles on the table every day when we ate as a family.

My first violent encounter with alcohol was at a party in my honor with my parents and my paternal uncles and aunts at a restaurant. I was so drunk that they put me on a bed upstairs and continued the party without me. I was 11 years old. Then, at 14, I went on my first binge drinking session with my “friends,” except I was the only one drinking. Everything accelerated when I started smoking cigarettes at 16 and marijuana at 18.

At 20, I started college and a band. A year of freedom… and a plunge into addiction. I missed two years of school. I changed universities and got my life together. After studying architecture, I went to Africa for a year. There was no alcohol there. When I returned home at age 26, I found an apartment and started working. I was feeling blue and started drinking alone. That was my downfall.

At 32, I quit smoking, on November 20, 2007, to be exact (6,446 days ago ). It was around that time that I also became aware of my addiction to alcohol, 18 years ago. I’ve been trying to quit for 18 years…

In 2015, my family fell apart. My father allegedly sexually abused my 4-year-old nephew. That was a wake-up call for me, and I suddenly became aware of all the family violence I’ve told you about. I fell into depression and my alcohol problem got worse. I no longer see my parents or any of my brothers. I’m fine with this situation. The trust is broken.

I lost my job in 2017. I was renovating our new house at the time. I did a good job. I knew how to do everything. Then I stopped. Since then, my wife has been working like crazy and I’ve been taking care of our three children. It works well and I’m a good father. But I haven’t done anything with my hands in years, damn it!

So I have a serious gap to fill, you see. My trek starts in four days. From July 17 to 25. 180 km of walking in the forest, on the headlands, along the ponds, observing nature. I expect to reconnect a little with my values: quiet strength, risk management, humility in the face of nature, peace with the world and myself. Babysteps.

[Christophe]

3 days sober. I hadn’t been able to do it for months.
I’m staying very focused today so that it will be four days, and as a bonus, I have a lot of positive energy, which I’m sending your way!
Have a great day!

[Christophe]

Early in the afternoon, I suddenly became extremely emotional just by reading a comment from one of us who had simply had a nice day with his family. It costs me a lot to admit this to you. Upon reflection, this sadness that erupted like a geyser reflects long-suppressed emotions.

For years, I drank heavily, no doubt because of what has just come to the surface, so that I would no longer allow myself to be happy for someone else. Alcohol gave me a mask of indifference and forgetfulness. My sympathy has often been mistreated. But whatever, it’s just my brain making me do the splits. This brutal emotion is less unpleasant than a hangover!

[Christophe]

Tonight, thanks to some of your posts and then some additional research to make them my own and adapt them to my personality, I am beginning to realize the importance of living in the present. One day at a time in recovery. Having daily goals. A simple routine, like getting up at 7 a.m., making the bed, stretching, chewing with lemon juice, brushing my teeth, and going to get bread. One day at a time. Creating change to take my place in my life and push back the bad habits that addiction has parasitized in my behavior. Once you know how to do it, you have to dare to change. So as not to be a coward.

“There are people who are stupid and it’s not their fault. And there are people who are afraid. There that is their fault.” Jacques Brel

[Christophe]

Day 5
I am starting to be able to really focus on the present moment. I was in a constant state of oblivion. And I was almost completely unaware of my obsession with finding a way to justify myself. I didn’t realize that I was constantly lying to myself. I didn’t realize that alcohol had managed to divert my biological brain from its main function of being MY command center. Often, I would go to the basement to look for something and when I got there, I didn’t know why I had gone downstairs. Alcohol had insidiously and gradually stolen my short-term memory, my choices, my willpower.

In the 19th century, alcoholism was diagnosed as a disease of loss of willpower. Since then, modern medicine has made considerable progress in understanding the chemical processes related to addiction in our brains. It’s very interesting.

The most important thing is not to know all this, but to stop being a guinea pig! Imagining a happy life, believing that I have the power to change, only to end up drinking myself into a blackout in the evening and being a wreck the next day: no thanks. Not today!

I also tended to confuse power with victory. Success meant that my twisted brain was entitled to ITS reward. I don’t know if it’s thanks to you, but IT, alcohol, is now identified as my number one enemy, and my goal today is to detect what it has managed to corrupt and change those things to MY advantage as best I can.

Have a good sober day!

[Christophe]

Great mental confusion.
Thoughts race away at full speed at the slightest confrontation with reality, and certainly also when they are in agreement with reality. It is so difficult to stay in the present moment.
5km jog
Since earlier, I must have said ODAAT to myself 100 times, so distracted is my brain.

Alcohol, the tyrant, clings to power. I am in the process of directing decision-making centers that are cutting off its resources, and it is making me pay for it with emotional torture. I am waiting for it to pass and trying to focus on the present moment, on today. I refuse to analyze or even consider the “reflex” emotions generated by the lack of alcohol: that’s not me! I don’t want to reason with myself and end up concluding that I deserve an alcoholic reward.

I fear the near future. I doubt my abilities. ODAAT. Eight days of trekking: I’m going to completely change my habits. My bag is ready. I’m going to pass through villages. There will be triggers that make me crave alcohol. ODAAT, but today I can better study these triggers and the techniques to deal with them on day D.

[SinceIAwoke]

One reason that I loved noon time AA meetings early on is that I could focus on staying sober just until it was time for the meeting. Then after the meeting, focus on staying sober until the end of the workday and to ride the bus home. At home, focus on staying sober until bed time. I needed smaller chunks of time to manage.

[Pandita]

Your brain chemistry is starting to rebalance and adjust. That came with upboiling emotional outburst, feelings of overwhelm and sudden unforeseable cravings for me. It helped me to know that this is normal and will pass. It made it easier to just let the tears flow when I felt weak and overwhelmed with cravings. Every time the urge to use is overcome, the sobriety muscle grows. You got this

If I remember correctly, you are starting your hike today? Hope you have a great time and maybe you care to share some pics on the nature thread along the way?

[Christophe]

Thank you @Pandita for your words of encouragement, your regular follow-ups, which mean so much to me, and for sharing your experience. The trek starts tomorrow, and tonight I’m going to stay with my cousin, who lives near where I’m going.

I’m not feeling well at the start of the day. I’ve had several short nights, and eliminating toxins is tiring me out. I’m also worried about not sleeping well in a tent, being too lonely, my battery dying, the rain… ODAAT. Today, I’m cleaning and tidying the house and buying food to take with me in my backpack.

Have a nice sober day!

[Christophe]

I’m not worrying anymore. I’ve been through worse. I’m curious and eager to do this hike alongside my sober journey.
An extra three hours on the road because I forgot my rain jacket. But the extra driving was good: I tried to live in the moment. At times, I can’t focus my gaze on anything because I’m so caught up in my thoughts. It’s so exhausting to pull myself out of my constant reflections. My cousin is a doctor. It should be easy not to drink tonight.

[Christophe]

Physical fatigue surpasses mental fatigue. That’s perfect for me

[Christophe]