I reached my rock bottom the other day. Being so ashamed of myself and unhappy with the person I’ve turned into, I tried to take my life. My fiancé came home and found me in time and that is why I’m still here today. I can’t completely say that I’m happy to be here, but I’m not unhappy. I feel empty. I came clean about everything to my fiancé and to my amazement he is still here by my side. I told him everything I was so embarrassed, ashamed, & afraid to tell him bc I thought he would leave me. So the first part of my plan is to really utilize my support network. Knowing that I can go to him when I have a craving and he can help me beat the craving is a big relief.
The second part in my plan is to attend meetings. I have a list of meetings and have set up times to go. I spoke to my fiancé and he is going to go with me to at least my first one. The last time I tried to attend a meeting I drove there and never made it in because of my anxiety. My fiancé will go with me until my anxiety dies off and I can go on my own.
The third part of my plan is to cut out any and all friends that I have to encourage or enable my addiction. Unfortunately this is most of my friend group at this time. Working in the restaurant business, many friendships are made and thrive through the after work drinks… so I will be leaving my current friend group at the bars and finding new friends in better places and bonding over things other than alcohol.
The last part of my plan so far is finding a new job. Any time that I have stayed sober for a decent length of time, I break it after going to work. I never have the cravings when I’m home with my fiancé to drink or go out and get my DOC, but when I’m already at my job and everyone is drinking after work I tend to crave and crave. So I am actively pursuing finding a new job, not in the service industry.
That is my plan so far. It’s only the beginning, but at least it’s something. And theres always room to add on and improve. And in fact, after writing this all out, I feel some hope. So maybe I’m not all empty and maybe the happiness I should feel to still be alive is there after all.
Awe I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, I have been in a similar spot so I get it. Great news is: you realized that what you’re doing isn’t working, so you are being open and honest with yourself and those who love you, and you have an action plan for change. Love everything about this plan- keep me posted on your recovery, my friend 
Great plan and I’m super happy you are still here Paige.
Leaving the restaurant industry will help so much, if it’s possible definitely do it. I had to quit my side bartending job to get sober, it was ruining my life, well I was, but it was helping make it happen easier.
That’s amazing about your fiance, and the meetings 
I am also going to try to eat better and exercise more. So that will be part five. If I put better foods into my body & feel healthier, I can be healthier.
Thank you for the support guys. It honestly means a lot to me.
Just make sure you be kind to yourself. Give yourself some time for all these changes to show in your day to day life. I love your plan! I think I’m going to make a five step plan myself 
That is one thing I need to work on for sure. I am extremely critical of myself and I know it’s not healthy for me. Another thing I’ll work on changing.
I’m glad I could inspire you, I’d love to hear your plan when you come up with it.
Oh Paige, big hugs. So glad your fiance found you in time. And I am so pleased that you have the support you need in him
Thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like you know what you need to do but that’s a lot of changes, it will be hard… But this forum is full of living proof that it’s possible! It’s awesome that your fiance is there for you and you will no doubt build up a network at your meetings but reach out here whenever you need to, we’ve got your back! As and when it all feels too much, remember that’s why we take it one minute, one hour, one day, one step at a time.
Glad you are still alive!
The only way is up now! 
Good that you opened up to your fiancee, now he can support you. Be here often, it really helps!
Good luck with your sober journey! 
Thanks for sharing Paige. I know it wouldn’t have been easy. I’ve had a couple of heart to heart with my wife. Always feel better after. The other thing I’ve found is how supportive friends and loved ones are when you are honest with them! That feeling of being alone suddenly subsides!
Nice to see you have a plan, stay strong and talk to people.
So happy that you are here & have strength to do realistic plans after all youve gone through. Feeling of emptiness is maybe numbness protecting you from hurting too bad.
About a year ago I was experiencing a breakdown due to many reasons. I had suicidal thoughts but didnt do anything (because of my children), but was feeling like a living dead and killing myself slowly by drinking.
One of my problems among addictive personality was that the most important person in my life had let me down. So i think your fiancees support is a precious gift to cherish.
Ive recovered slowly, cause i drank until 3 months ago i could start my ongoing sobriety. I couldnt have done this without the help of others. Groups are fantastic help when you are motivated to change your life dramatically. Go for it girl! 
Edit: life is beautiful, this planet is beatiful…
Thank you so much everyone for your warmth & support. It’s so uplifting to see that other people are there rooting for you and truly want to see you succeed. It’s just heart warming to me and gives me hope. The strength that you share from your experiences helps me find my strength.
I am working on my 3rd day of sobriety right now and starting to feel better. I have taken this whole week off of work so I can focus on my mental and physical health and contemplate what to do about this job in the future. I know I want to leave this job, but I dont have another lined up yet & dont want to go without income. So I have to decide what to do there and that is my goal for this week. My 2nd goal for this week is to go running or walking at least 2 days and get some natural adrenaline flowing through my body. And lastly to meditate at least 2 days this week as well. So starting off slow, taking it one small section at a time & that’s how I’m going to beat this.
First, I am grateful you are still with us. I have seen too many people pass recently due to this and am glad that there isn’t another.
I remember how bad I felt at my bottom and in the early part of my sobriety. Knowing what had happened, how i felt, and that the only tool in my kit to deal with anything had been stripped away-- my thoughts quickly turned to other ways that I could stop the pain and everything that was happening, permanently. To this day, I still hang on to that feeling. When I wonder what all this is for, I remember that feeling and how dark and small the world was at that point. All i can say is that it gets better, even when everything else is shitastic, it is better.
For me – I did therapy with an addiction/substance abuse specialist, sober coaching, and meetings. Each gave me something that the other didn’t. Early on, the recovery coaching gave me accountability before i “got” the meetings and this sobriety thing. If I used, I would have to look someone in the eye and try to explain how someone poured vodka down my throat and that set everything off – so it wasn’t my fault.
Therapy gave me license to talk in private with someone who could not say anything to anyone. Early on, I needed to know that what I said stayed where I said it. I trusted no one and assumed everyone was trying to get the drop on me. As I did these things, the meetings and the program began to grab ahold of me whether I wanted them to or not. I sat in those chairs whether I wanted to be there or not. I didn’t give myself the option. When the recovery coaching ended, the program and the people backfilled the accountability gap. I have people I can count on when things get rough and more importantly, I know I have a home and a safe space no matter what, as long as I can make it to a meeting.
As part of all this, I have met a number of people in the rooms that are in the service industry, including my old bartenders. I am not saying to not look for a new position – but that may take more time than you like and with the new job comes a new set of stresses and uncomfortability that may be difficult to deal with in early sobriety. So if it doesn’t happen immediately – don’t lose the faith. People before you have done it and you can too.
Perhaps most importantly,whatever path your journey takes – just know that you don’t have to do it alone.
So here’s my progress. I spent my first couple days just laying around with no energy to do anything and trying to convince myself just to live. Over the last couple days I finally had some energy and started to try to be productive. I finally woke up at a decent hour and stayed up all day today. I did cleaning around the house while my fiancé was working (things he kept saying he had to do, my first step in trying to make up for my wrongs) Second, I found set of meetings that I’m going to attend, but that’s not until next week. I also laid out next month in my bullet journal. I created a mood tracker and a goal tracker. I did two meditation sessions. And lastly, over the past couple days, I weeded through my contacts and social media to get rid of any connection to my dealers. Which brings me to a story…
I deleted my dealers number from my phone the other night, and then he called and texted me in the morning. At like 8am and about 6 times. He texted me saying he needed me to venmo him $150 & he’d give me 2x the amount. I didnt recognize the # so I ignored it. He then proceeded to harass me and yell at me through text for ignoring him. He tried to guilt me saying it was an emergency and he needed my help & needed $150… the thing is we arent friends otherwise, so idk why he’s asking me for help. Either way, I ignored it. To which he replied that hell remember this and never give me anything ever again and blah blah blah. So finally I realize I have to block his #, which u didnt want to do in the 1st place bc then it stores it in a list on my phone… but I had to otherwise he would keep contacting me. So I blocked him & thought it was over. He then messaged me today on Facebook, even though I deleted him as a friend, to tell me his phone was broken & to message him there for my needs… so I blocked him on Facebook as well. Which I didnt know I had to do, I thought if I unfriended him that was it. But I was wrong. And the moral of the story is that I resisted the temptation thrown at me & now know my connections are thoroughly severed.
It also brings me to a realization of how he kept me hooked. Whenever I started to pull away, he would message me or give me deals or do something to reign me back in under his control. And it feels good to see that and be able to resist and walk away from it.
He sounds so nice and supportive. You have a solid plan in place. Yay!
Also today I made 2 new batches of hair treatments for myself and a foot cream for my fiancé.
Although I am still feeling generally empty, I am having moments of feeling quite accomplished and hopeful for the journey ahead.
That’s definitely a lot to feel accomplished about! Amazing. 
Have you been to a doctor to help with your mental health?
That I have not done yet, but it is high on my priority list. I have started looking into what psychologists accept my insurance and the costs, but I have not been yet
Brilliant, the more support the better I reckon!
Brand new to this site Paige and so glad you’re here too. Keep going!