My second time going five years without a drink. What's different this time?

Milestones
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Damn…

I just read this post. From the topp.

My reactions where, “you know people dont talk about fear of sucess, having sucess without wanting to drink, and just fucking going for it.”

:rofl::rofl:

Then as i read more and more.

Im like, Jason fucking did it.

Im so proud of you. I did not know you were in youtube game. Even when i mentioned we should go fly fishing in Montana one day. If you had the time.

I just knew you liked fishing. :rofl::rofl:

Fuckin aye man!!

That’s what im talking about.

You know me. Lets just boast about something this Saturday morning. :rofl:

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Thanks!

That was good for me to read.

It’s been good to see your posts. The picture of your son flyfishing hit home for me.

The love you share here about him inspires me.

I lost the ability to have that for a long time. Before I relapsed. It became something I wanted to numb out. You can’t numb it out, maybe for a little while, just to have it hit you even harder.

I texted him after my anxiety yesterday mellowed out.

I let him know that I was starting full time Monday. He is so proud of me.

That’s worth every struggle and challenge!

Had I died drunk, I would never have had that.

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Oh, to numb out love is to numb out the only good thing in this world.

Our kids man, to be apart of there journey and help them along they way. Will be the best love I could ever give in this world.

And, if I have another kid, God willing, same applies.

There is no better joy than to feel that inner child with your child.

Life is brutal, and things take away.

But, to just sit in joy with our kid(s).

Thats beautiful, brother. Seriously.

All I know is your a tough son of hahaha, im glad you’re here.

Hopefully one day we meet up. You’re one of the very few I would just enjoy the company with.

In God we trust.

:victory_hand:t4:

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I just finished the hardest part of this. I told Phil. He took it pretty good. I have already moved into I’m doing what I have to do for me and feeling guilty doesn’t serve me any purpose.

As I’m closing this place down it was a constant reminder of how stuck I’ve been. I bought a fixer upper trailer. It needs a new roof, I haven’t had the money to do any fixing up.

It’s moldy, and probably a health hazard. I feel like I’m moving towards solution. No need to feel guilty.

That’s just one of many places that I’ve been stuck. Drastic changes needed to happen and they are happening.

I’m excited for this chapter that I’m entering. It’s already exciting! I’m crabbing as tough as it gets! I’m going to head up there soon.

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I made it. There are no busses today, and I couldn’t get up here in time if I took the bus tomorrow, so I put the old thumb to work.

It took about a half hour to get a ride. Dude brought me all the way to the dock.

I look salty. Its intentional, but to most people I look unhoused

My last trip up a lady gave me 20 bucks. Under normal circumstances I would have declined but I’m feeling a bit desperate right now, and it helped me buy a bus pass.

today a kid on a bike came over while I had the thumb out. He asked me if I was hungry and needed food. I told him Im good. He said I can be right back with some food. I thanked him for being an awesome young man and told im good.

The bus driver from last trip was awesome. She went out of her way for my errands, and made sure my bus pass was good through next month.

The ride I got hitchhiking last trip was awesome too.

Im feeling grateful for all the random acts of kindness.

The universe is giving me everything I need to make this change happen.

There were so many moments that felt like it was too hard, or my guilt for leaving Phil hanging almost stopped me.

I knew I’d regret it if I did.

How Many times in life do we settle for less because it easy?How often don’t we do something for ourselves because of how it will make others feel.

I know I have done it too many times.

Not this time! :flexed_biceps:

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We got so much done this week that I got to come back to port Orford to work more on closing this place down.

It was great to be able to spend some time working on the boat.

I didn’t know until yesterday. The last few days I was still being tested to see if Im a good fit for the boat.

I passed with flying colors.

The bus ride home was interesting. Its my first time going out early and there is a bit of a learning curve.

The earliest bus from the dock got me to the bus that heads down the coast ten minutes after it left.

The minute I got dropped off I was trying to figure out when the next one comes.

The was a couple. They looked strung out. They were all in my personal space. It was awkward. She has 2 shopping carts full of her stuff and a sweet mini pit bull

She was going off how she has been stranded here for two days. How its a conspiracy to trap her there and how homeless people keep disappearing and how’s shes probably next.

She was ranting about the cameras. Her face showed signs of meth use.

They guy she was with left while she was distracted talking to me.

She was waiting for the same bus as me. Almost three hours to go.

I’m so grateful to not be strung out. That could very easily be me.

She is very paranoid, delusional she could use some sleep.

She had food and was very generous with everything she had. She offered me everything but the meth she was using. She showed me her meth pipe. I Told her to put it away.

As bat shit crazy as she was, she was also very intelligent, artistic, and had a lot of deep thoughts. I listened and interacted with her conversation.

There wasn’t really anywhere to hide.

She’s a gypsy, a unhoused traveler. Definately not to be trusted.

I felt bad for her. Lost in addiction.

Winters are brutal here. Cold, wet. Being unhoused is one of my biggest fears.

Life is hard. Being unhoused makes it much more difficult.

Im grateful to be clean and sober!

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:folded_hands:t4::heart_eyes:. That’s awesome friend. Feel like this is the perfect adventure for you. Looking forward to hearing about all your trips.

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Yesterday I remembered to text my kid happy Halloween.

He said he was going to party. I don’t like hearing those words come from him, but he is his own person, and he has his own lessons to learn.

Instead of lecturing him on how addiction runs in both sides of the family like I wanted to. I replied have fun.

He replied with I love you dad.

It made me cry. Happy tears.

He has experimented with drinking, weed, mushrooms, extacy. I hate that, but I didn’t lecture him then either.

We lost contact for a while. He emailed me and shared that info in that first email.

I was just so happy to hear from him that I haven’t said anything about it.

I worried about him last night.

The joys of parenting.

I missed so much parenting time that I don’t know how to handle parenting.

I’m just grateful to have a relationship with him and I don’t want to mess it up.

My youngest hasn’t contacted me. I hope he will.

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I’ve been back up on the boat for a couple of days.

Working on my place went well. I got alot done, but i also got some rest.

That is something I have been doing much better at this year. I sleep 8 hours most of the time, sometimes longer. I don’t sacrifice sleep to get more done, like I used to.

I put my computer in a box and haven’t been editing videos since I started coming up here.

YouTube has been on hold, and looks like it will remain on hold until after crabbing slows down.

Im on a no sharing what we do order from the boat, until after its over. Which is smart.

I don’t have a place I can set up here and edit old footage with. Im minimal on the boat.

It leaves me a lot more time to participate here which I have been enjoying.

While I was in Port Orford, I stayed pretty low key. I still feel bad for Phil and don’t want to rub it in his face.

Being low key is out of respect, and it’s none of anyone’s business anyways

I binged on Zoom meetings while I was there.

It reminded me of getting sober in Slc back in 2002 where there were a lot of meeting to go to.

I went to meetings from all over the world. Some I sat and fully participated in, others I listened to while I worked.

I got hit with some great messages. My favorite was “your disease will lie to you in your own voice” that hit home.

I had a great meeting after the meeting with a guy from Louisiana.

It reminded me that AA is a miracle, and its amazing. I let personalities get in the way, and I forget how awesome the program really is.

Having time to kill and spending it here has been awesome too.

Things are going great here.

Im doing the next right thing.

Doubts crept in a little while I was in Port Orford. Some fear. Some future tripping. Now that I’m back, I have no fear no doubts.

I had to use my thumb to get here as there aren’t any busses on the weekend and I cant be late.

I got picked up fast and got a ride all the way to the dock. It feels like higher power is taking care of me.

Tonight is the evening before my 6 years without a drink tomorrow.

6 years ago from right now, I was in a blackout, being a train wreck dickhead drinking and driving like I owned Kawaii.

One drink had never owned me so quickly and as harshly. I’ve done plenty of stupid shit drunk, but this was different.

Im glad it happened. It allowed me to fully concede to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic, and one drink is too many.

Im fortunate!

I don’t take my recovery for granted.

I think I did at times In my previous recovery

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I am biased. I think you are awesome. I’m excited for you. Sending calming wonderful vibes to you.

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Thank you! I think you are awesome. You are such a blessing here! Thank you for being here!

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Funny I’ve been thinking about you. Hitchhiking ? To me that is a scary thing to do now a days. Safe journey my friend. But in hindsight I had to deal with a rattlesnake today. Never thought I would have to face danger early in the morning. And to add more humor Little Mike my rooster caught a mouse today. Friggin cat is lazy and who new roosters were mouse hunters.?

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Yeah that is amazing! Need to remember this one.

All of this makes me so happy for you. You are exactly where you are meant to be. Look forward to seeing your YouTube and other projects once crab season is over…for now just enjoy being in the moment.

Again…a HUGE congrats on 6 year’s!! That’s an awesome achievement :confetti_ball::tada:

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I Don’t like hitch hiking at all. It is scary. Its another good example of why I am making such a big life change.

Fixing my driving status is top priority with my crab checks this season.

I don’t need to drive in Port orford. I am also stuck there. Not for long.

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Thank you Jazzy! Im excited for the future. It feels good. No more lying to myself!

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I got a text from my kid this morning. Just checking to see how I’m doing. The best gift of recovery a guy could get on his sober birthday :birthday_cake: :partying_face: :tada: :heart:

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Happy sober anniversary (or birthday?), Jason :tada:
Truly happy for you and incredibly grateful for your presence here. I’ve learned a lot from you over the years and really appreciate your radical focus on what’s within your own power to change. Wishing you a great day :orange_heart:

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Thank you. I appreciate your support. You’ve always been in my corner rooting for me. Im grateful!

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