my spouse is an addict and can’t fathom that he has been actively using a drug I used to be addicted to. its been a while. I got clean shortly before we met. I won’t use his drugs, I will take them from him but I can’t throw them away. once I gave them to his mother to prove he was using (after holding onto it for two weeks, I still don’t know why) but personally I cannot dispose of them. I have about the same amount this time and our relationship is falling apart, hes literally just realized that he even has an addiction and I keep trying to help him out of the thought trap that ‘the drugs’ which I currently have in my pocket will make everything better. is this normal? am I still addicted? its been almost two years.
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Yes. I don’t think there’s ever such thing as a former addict. Only addicts in recovery. I say this as one. It’s a dangerous game to assume we’re ever truly safe or free from our addictions.
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Welcome to the forum @maria2025
If you can’t bring yourself to dispose of the drugs you may need to have a deeper look at your sobriety/recovery work.
Recovery requires action and if you notice traits resurfacing you may need to take a good look at where you are- reach out to someone (sponsor) for help, attend a meeting.
Being in a relationship with someone who is in active addiction is very dangerous ground, you’re putting your sobriety in jeopardy even being with him never mind holding his drugs.
If you choose sobriety you will still always be an addict, just one in recovery.
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I did end up disposing of them. in front of him, a few hours later, after discussing what happened in a calm manner.
I think mostly did it in front of him to prove to myself that I can. I truly think that if I can do that without using or even thinking about using, after dealing with his disappearing act, while caring for our baby in a massive amount of emotional distress while sleep deprived. I’m probably going to be okay.
I just don’t know why I would hold onto it in the first place. Its not like I held onto them to take them myself. I have too much I need to take care of in my life to risk taking any. I don’t even like risking cross contamination on surfaces let alone hands, skin or clothes.
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What has made you stick around so long? Should have left once you found out he was an active addict. Dont mean to sound harsh but you should be your #1 priority. If the relationship falls apart and you stay clean it will probably be the best thing for you
Good on you for disposing of them! Thats a great choice. You will need to continue making good choices every day as an addict, and it is so much harder with a partner activly using, on top of all the other stressors you mentioned. If he wants to get clean on his own, thats wonderful and I hope you can support each other. If he isnt truly ready deep down, waaaay down, to get sober, I think you know what the best choice to make is.
Wishing you all the best 