My story and guilt

Two days ago i feel like i pulled the trigger on the version of life i had dreamed up for myself and now im so very lost. Im 30 years old with a beautiful 2 year old and two days ago my husband,father in law, and my sweet girl found me in the local park drunk and unconscious. And even though this wasnt my intention i somehow made my friend believe i was in danger of harming myself with my drunk phone call to her…she called local sheriffs office and said she was worried about me harming myself. I really wasnt planning to hurt myself but i think my lack of reasoning caused her to get extremely worried. You see for the last few years i had been very good at hiding my demons so for my FIL and family to see me in this state has caused me a whole new version of self loathing. How did i get here? How did i become this toxic person? I’m not exactly sure but here is my story that i know to be true… when i was 27 years old i was having full out panic attacks at work so i went to the dr for help. I was put on a anti anxiety med and everything seemed to get better until my husband and i decided to start trying for a baby. Without consulting my dr i went off the medication cold turkey. I had a pretty rough first few weeks but ended up having a wonderful pregnancy…and then i had my little one and once again my life was thrown upside down. I didnt want to accept that i needed medication to be normal. I started drinking to hide my anxiety and panic attacks and it wasnt until i showed up to work drunk one day that i decided i HAD to get it together. I went to the dr that following week, got put on medication again, and slowly but surely started to get better. Now i am 30 years old and my husband and i decided to start trying for baby #2. Time must have made my memory weak bc once again i got off of my medicine cold turkey. I got thru it once so i can do it again, right? WRONG. right now i am fighting a two day hangover, embarassed, and im so ashamed. How does one ever move past their mistake into a better life?

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Alcohol can cause anxiety and depression! If you felt better when you were pregnant and sober; better enough to have a wonderful pregnancy than maybe alcohol is what helped cause the anxiety in the first place? Stopping anxiety/depression meds cold turkey can be dangerous! Chemistry in your brain and neurological pathways change when you take the medicine and it usually takes a while to work. When you stop cold turkey your brain cannot physically compensate and that will exacerbate symptoms! I really hope you get the help that you need and feel the support of this forum. Please be safe! … and don’t be too hard on yourself… your family loves you and it hurts them to see you struggle and they are more worried about your well being than your pride! Hugs!

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