Hello, welcome.
I relate to your story. I also drink to blackout. Actually, before drinking I think I just want to get tipsy, but once I have one drink that changes to wanting obliteration.
I also embarrassed and let myself down so many times drunk.
It is hard when you are hanging on to the idea ‘why can’t I have one, why can’t it be fun for me’. For me, I think it is like doing a handstand or speaking Swahli. I just can’t. But there are so many things I can do.
Here is a resource thread
Welcome to the forum! 2022
Look forward to hearing more from you!
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