My wife found out about TS

Emotional Support
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Back in 2006,

I was in SLAA. When my wife and I met, we got married very quickly. She insisted that I give up the meetings because I was needed to be home for the family. Her sons were 8 and 10 at that time. I was 2 years sober. I thought I could go on without it. Though, I would miss it horribly.

It wasn’t long before I relapsed and was back into acting out again secretly on the computer. She caught me 5 years later.

So then, I started going to a Reformers Unanimous meeting. Supposed that she would be more supportive of this since this was Christian. After a couple of months, she showed disapproval in me going to that as well.

So I stopped. Acting out secretly again lasting for 3 more years.

I finally reached out for support to an online Christian forum for porn addiction. About a month later, I confessed to her what was going on. She was hurt, but wanted to be part of it too. So for the next year, we were a part of Blazing Grace. And it was a good year. I was sober for about a year. Then my wife got into an argument with the moderator. And she left the forum. And then badgered me to leave as well. So I tried to start my own forum but it didn’t take off very well. Relapsed again. Felt like I was doing this alone, because I was.

So then, I reached out for support on TS in 2017. Life and recovery for me hasn’t been ideal. But I’m grateful to have this. Its all I got. And I need support. I never told her. Because I knew that she wouldn’t support my recovery.

Well, my wife picked up my phone and caught me on TS. Her response was this is just as bad as using porn.

My response back to her was, “I don’t think that we should be together anymore. We’re done. It’s over.”

My 8 year old daughter was in the car as we were having this discussion.

I dropped them off at home. Exited the car, got into my vehicle, and stormed off. This all happened an hour ago.

I mean, I have a choice. Right? If going to meetings or getting support is something that she’s against, perhaps leaving is the option that’s left.

One thing is for sure. I don’t want to act out right now. Not even having cravings. Which actually concerns me because all of you know that I crave a lot.

My wife and family are desperately messaging me trying to get me to respond, but I have not replied.

don’t want to lose my marriage, but I dont want to give up TS either.

If anyone has any feedback. Please share. I’m all ears.

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Since you are religious I will share the only thing that has ever truly helped me in a time of extreme stress like yours.

Pray. I am not saying this to sound like a dick, but seriously, just pray. Then pray some more, then meditate.

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Praying…

That’s good advice. Thanks Derek.

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Stop me if I’m reading this wrong.

Your wife, does not like you going to meetings, seeking recovery, help, or using this app to try and better yourself as a human being for her and your child?

I’d tell her to get fucked pal. And that might sound strong but I would. Time to get the fuck outta dodge. Because you owe it to that little princess to be the absolute best version of you you can be and that is in recovery away from toxic people like your wife

Keep your head up and crack on pal. You are an inspiration to many on these boards including me. :heart::pray:

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This is a tough situation.

Me personally, I’d get back to SLAA. And see if she would be interested in the al-anon version of it if they have one.

You’re in my thoughts as you’ve been one of the brightest most positive people I have seen on this forum.

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I would let my wife and kids know I was okay first and foremost.

Do you two do counseling together? If not, it sure sounds like you could use someone to talk with.

I am sorry your wife isn’t supportive in a way that would be helpful to you. It sounds very problematic for you and frustrating.

Is it possible to stick with your marriage…work together at counseling and let her know you need TS (or a similar forum) and it is non negotiable for your sobriety and sanity?

:heart:

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Then don’t give up either one. If your wife is a Christian, direct her to Ephesians 5:21, and lay it out plainly:

“I want to be a good husband, to submit my sexuality to our marriage. I need some sort of formal program, some support group in order to do this. I will be completely transparent in this regard. You need to submit whatever hangups and issues you have regarding my seeking help for my addiction. To do otherwise is not biblical.”

You’ve put your foot down. Keep it down. You don’t want a divorce, but the only way to stay married is if you can stay in recovery. Tell her this is non-negotiable.

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Hey man, I’ve no experience in this arena so I can only say pray and be honest with your thoughts, motivation and words.

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Kevin, man, I’m sorry to hear this. I agree with @SassyRocks, at least let them know you are ok. Even if just for your daughter mate.
After that I would go with what others are saying about laying it down. You wife needs to understand that you need something like this forum to help you sort yourself out.
And as others have said, pray. I’m sure God will show you guidance my friend.
Above all else, stay safe.

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A lot of sound advice above. This out of my lane (grain of salt), but…

…this strikes me as odd as a person in recovery. If it were me, I might ask why she feels this way and do my best to only listen, then step back and take a night to meditate on it.

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Her point is that when other PAs share the details of their acting out, that I can get high off that as well.

For my case, that’s not true.

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So she doesn’t want you to use porn OR get help to not use porn. OUCH. I can’t say what you should or should not do in this situation but I think a very serious sit down is in order. What exactly does she want from you? It sounds like she has some serious expectations…and that never works out for anyone.

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So be honest and straight with her. Which as it seems to me you are. You need this site and/or SLAA to live a ‘normal’ life. She might need some help too as said before. You have to be straight. With her and with yourself. You both make up your minds. Give her a chance and yourself a chance too. But be ruthlessly honest. In everything. That’s the only chance you both got I think. Success.

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The flaw in her logic is those SA sharing here, don’t actually share details. They share struggles and strategies to overcome those struggles. They encourage users to avoid triggering others, by keeping details to the minimum necessary to communicate, and never for mental indulgence.

At least that’s my take on the threads and comments I have read. Maybe she knows of TS, but doesn’t understand TS. There’s a difference.

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I’m so sorry to hear of this struggle, pal. I can’t offer any experience in this area, so am just echoing Derek’s suggestion of prayer and meditation to find answers. I try to calm myself down using a simple thing of breathing and counting in my head- in (1), out (2), in (3), out (4) - long slow deep breathes that I do up to 10, then back down again, and repeat until I feel more calm and less reactive.

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its hard to be with someone that doesnt support your recovery process. i have a bit of experience in that arena. i moved on, but we weren’t married. i’d take time away for a bit and think about what is best for you + family. and that might make some time for your wife to think about loosing you vs you actively engaging in recovery resources like TS. i’d also maybe sit with her, go on the desktop version of TS and have your scroll through the app so she can see the positivity, kindness, helpfulness here. :heart:

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I’m sorry you’re going through this @KevinesKay. It sounds very controlling/distrusting of your wife to not want you to have any type of recovery (or maybe even growth?) that is independent from her… I don’t have advice, but am rooting for you!

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I couldn’t say it any better than everyone here already has, Kevin. It’s your life and you get to pursue happiness in the best way you know how. It’s ok to get help and being available all the time for your family doesn’t address your needs for mental health, rest, etc. It’s ok to be angry, her expectations on you aren’t fair. I’m here rooting for you buddy. If you need to talk, you know where to find me.

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I’m not trying to give relationship advice here, because relationships are complicated and there is always more going on than can be communicated in a message on a forum. So I’m going to ask some questions. Not for me to hear the answers, for you to think about.

It sounds like your wife has done a lot of saying what she doesn’t want… Has she said what she does want? Have you asked her? If she had a suggestion, would you be open to hearing it?

And does she know what you want from her? How she can support you? It sounds like she kind of wants to help by getting involved in things… Even if it hasn’t ended up being very helpful.

Is it possible that she overreacted, assuming that because she didn’t know about TS, it meant more was going on(i.e. worried you might be acting out)?

I hope you get the chance to talk it through with her in a way that’s calm, honest and constructive and that whatever the outcome it’s the best thing for you and your family :pray::sparkling_heart:

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You are one of the most positive people to Grace this forum. Always lending a positive word to anybody no matter what their addiction. I hope you are able to get the issues with your wife resolved without too much of a problem. You’ve gotta work your sobriety and this seems to be a great tool for your sobriety.

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