I usually burry myself deep within nature and ‘liquid aloha’ in order to escape myself and others. But the past few days I’ve slowly become unearthed while being encouraged, inspired, motivated, and nurtured by all of you.
I’ve never felt like I fit in anywhere, including the skin I was born into. For me to try and fit in anywhere was like ordering a steak at a vegan restaurant, it never turned out well. That is, until I changed venues and found one where alcohol was on the menu. I’ll aways remember my first drink. With each sip it felt as if I was stepping into my skin for the first time. As I drank in the self love it absorbed my anxiety, fear, self loathing, and inhibitions. My constant internal dialog of anxiety and self doubt finally both shut the f*ck up and I was more at peace than Gandhi himself. My internal Clark Kent became a social superman until the cape that helped me fly became the very kryptonite that slowly killed both who I was and who I had the potential to become.
Although I knew I had to try something different because 16 years worth of failed attempts at quitting said so, I had no idea that something as simple as downloading an app was about to upload purpose back into my soul. For the first time in my 34 years I feel like I fit in somewhere and am not only accepted for my flaws, but valued because of them. I can speak freely without out restraint and my words don’t fall upon deaf ears but instead have ignited some of the most encouraging responses I’ve ever heard.
This time a year ago I hit rock bottom… literally, not metaphorically. I was on a week long bender and the day after horrendously twisting my ankle falling down drunk I tripped over my stupidity and fell flat on my face blackening my eye on the jagged lava rock. Being as hard headed as I am, even this wasnt enough to stop the inertia of my self destruction. Living on an active volcano I know first hand that rock isn’t truly the bottom, its merely a foundation built by fire. Having metaphorically fallen face first into the fire and receiving burns of various degrees, I’m ready to step up to rock bottom now and grow from there.
I spend my free time helping the lost, abandoned, neglected, and seemingly forgotten of the animal kingdom. I share my time and resources and together we heal from the time and resources that mother nature shares with us. They and I both know first hand that healing hurts and transformation takes time. But just as a butterfly emerges from its cocoon and is no longer called a caterpillar, so to, once I break free from the cocoon of addiction and sprout the wings of freedom to transcend rock bottom, no longer will I be defined ‘alcoholic’.
For others like myself, please remember that words become spells. Each one harnessing so much power the way they are strung together and either gently placed or carelessly hurled. Every day we are “spelling” out to the world so many things that become a part of a whole. We can be healers, destroyers, the cause of laughter, the root of tears, victors or victims. Imagine if we were able to harness all this power and channel it for building up, starting with the the spells we cast upon OURSELVES! Even the Bible, the ultimate Big Book, when referring to drunkards says, ‘this is what you WERE” (2 Corinthians 6:11). If my Higher Power doesn’t define me by who I was yesterday then who am I to?
@SoberSteph @Jojo526 you have no idea how much your encouraging statements have seeded within me a desire to further help and encourage those who like myself need a different path to recovery. If alcohol helped me step into my skin, then helping others stay sober without the dogma associated with addiction is helping me step back into my soul. With all of my heart, thank you. I dedicate my 10th day sober to you both. If a plush and vibrant tropical island can emerge from the seemingly lifeless black foundation formed of lava… so can we.
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you traveled light 