Ok, so back in may our children were taken due to a relpase and some bad decisions my wife and i made. Our oldest daughter told dhs about us using( which we are not mad at. She had every right to and it got us the help we needed). But along with telling that, she has consistently lied and embellished some pretty heavy allegations about my wife and i, her grandmother and her life in general. Given somethings were pretty bad and i know a lot of her behavior is due to being put in the position she was when we used. But now, this shit is getting out of hand. She keeps lying to our case worker and everybody in the department keeps giving her, her way. She was with my mother in law for the past six months and has come up with lies saying shes left alone and the grandma is abusive. Which is just not true. Shes now with her sister and brother in foster care at a half a million dollar house, playing playstation, has cool lights in her room. She originally made accusations that my wife and i beat her cuz she thought dhs would take her to her friends house. Police and ems came out to see her, not a mark on her, they said she was fine and left. They then came back and said we were using. We were honest and said we had one relapse but were clean, and they removed our children. She keeps lying to get her way and nobody will listen to us. We have physical proof that she is lying. Im so fucking frustrated that a 12 year old is running the show right now. She will not open up in therapy, my guess is because shes told so many lies that she doesnt want to get caught. Yes, i know we have made some shitty choices and havent been the best parents. We are getting the help we need through numerous individual, couples and group therapy. But this 12 year old has been spoiled rotten her whole life. We have always provided her with everything shes ever needed plus more. Shes so fucking entitled now and so hurt from our neglect that i feel we have created a monster. I dont even know where to begin to get her help. Shes manipulating her sister to back her up to avoid being able to come home or back to grandmas just because she doesnt like it where she is. Im bashing my fucking head in the wall cuz im just in shock that she is doing all this. I take full responsibility for the neglect and pain i have caused by being an addict. Im paying the price and am doing what i have to do in order to remain sober and be the best father i can be. But im at my witts end with this pre teen running the fucking show right now. Her little sister and brother do not have a say in all this because she has them scared and in her pocket and dhs will not listen to us regarding this pattern of lying that she is doing right now. Any ideas?
Just stay clean and sober, keep hitting your drug tests, making your visits, the child services meetings.
I’d suggest family therapy to the case worker, because there’s gonna be work that needs to be done.
Kids only know what we teach them, and when we don’t teach them they gotta make it up as they go to save their own skin.
Own your transgressions and let the resentments go, kids need love and support.
I do love my child unconditionally. I have never once treated her any differently because of all this. I am allowed to vent in a safe place without being judged for my choice of words. She is a preteen. And she is driving me fucking nuts. I have done everything i am supposed to do by reaching out to therapy. So step off your high horse apes2020. I have gotten clean and got myself where i need to be so i can be a clean and coherent father.
CaptAZ i have been telling our multiple caseworkers that we need family therapy since day one. They will not comply. Its heartbreaking.
That’s what kids do.
Family therapy should be doable, just keep beating that drum. Don’t hold it against the kid, it’ll just be poison for both of you.
True that. One thing i have never done, is hold anyth8ng against her. I tell her everyday that i love her unconditionally and nothing she will do will ever change that. I get it to an extent. Just dont know the girl side of things
My two cents:
I think all you can do for now is take care of yourself. It sounds like you are attending therapy/ counseling and that’s great.
Your children aren’t where you want them to be right now, but they’re safe. Use the time to address what got you into this situation in the first place.
When children’s services/ the state are at the helm, you’re not in control. That can suck but they have the power. Follow their recommendations regarding visitation, classes and therapy, etc.
I think that the harder you work to fight them and their determinations will only hurt you and your reunification with your children.
The harder you work to discredit your daughter will backfire on you and hurt what sounds like an already damaged relationship.
You don’t want to get into a power struggle with the state because you will lose. You don’t want to get in a power struggle with your daughter because you will lose her.
I’m assuming that you have your own lawyer in family court? They should be able to fight for you in court and allow you to remain out of the direct fight.
Your children need time to adjust. Attend visits. Be supportive. Work on yourself. And take a breath. Your children and safe and you are sober. Things will get better.
I hope it works out.