Need advise!

Hi everyone. Need some advise. I have been in a solid relationship for 11yrs, going on 12 in July. She left me about a month amd half ago and took the dogs cats and most of her stuff. She said it was my drinking. She said she needed time but she drinks and smokes weed too. I don’t smoke. I quit drinking as I was already working out to help me quit smoking and was doing great until I found out a few weeks after she left she slept with a tenet of here after we had already met up a few times for sex. She told me if I get completely sober we could talk. It was weeks of no boozes and i relapsed and I haven’t done a shot of whiskey since the day I found out and have Weened myself slowly from beer over last few weeks as the DT s were up In me. Even though she cheated I was and still are in the process of forgiveness. When i found out I kept my cool, no off the handle shit because she was and still is my motivation. I know I am doing this for me but I feel so frustrated and hurt. I have been doing so well and just want to tell her and communicate. My friend tell me to give her her space so I have. I have been so lonely that I recently went on pof just to see whats out there and i have no attraction to anyone elseand I found her on there today. What do i do. I am stay g sober but should I just break it off? It kills to know she playing the field? Thanks I know it’s a long read but I have no one to talk to.i signed up for aa and councling and for a 2nd job. Things are on the up, I will do anything to get her back. What do i do? Do i let her know I saw her or just walk away and do nothing. Do we talk? I just don’t know what to do

First, you really need to make your recovery about you. I’m not trying to be a downer, but these are all signs that she is moving on. If for some reason she does comeback there’s going to be some level of resentment that more then likely will fester into something that ends horribly. These are all things that happened to me. I know this is nothing you want to hear, but going through the motions of sobriety for the wrong reasons isn’t recovery.

At the very least you need to step cautiously both in your recovery and in the pursuit of the relationship. I have no crystal ball just my own experience.

Best of luck my friend. Just start your recovery with true healing and go from there.

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@Adam1357, first of all, welcome. Thank you for joining us and I hope you stick around because there is a lot of strength and support to be found here.

Congrats on your choice to stay sober. I commend you.

I’m sorry to hear that that your heart has been broken. My thought is that she doesn’t want get back with you, ever. Your drinking was just the excuse she used to leave. But she’s off hooking up with other men and she’s pushing you away. I don’t see how pursuing her is going to end well for you. You deserve to be with someone that can demonstrate loyalty and trust. I don’t think you’ll find that in her. You’d be better off alone. Draw strength from others here. Develop friendships in your circle. You are really not alone. You’ll get through this. We believe in you!

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I agree with shattered dreams. Your recovery has to be in the forefront of your mind. You have to stay sober for YOU, no one else. I know right now it feels like she’s the only one you’ll ever love. I’ve been there and I know how crippling the pain can be. For right now, focus on your sobriety and reach out to people for support. I’m here if you need to talk, rant, whatever. You can and will get through this and the pain will end.

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Glad you’re staying sober!
So you went on pof because you were lonely and curious but not serious about finding someone… What if she feels the same - just lonely and curious? Sounds like both of you a little confused and maybe in need of some separate time to work stuff out in your heads :slight_smile: get back together when you’re happy with yourself and her, not when you feel lonely and sad. Take care

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If possible you need to have a frank and honest sober chat with each other. I would suggest meeting for coffee in a quiet but public space. Plan the points you want to get across but also give her space and time to think and speak and think the same for yourself.

I agree you need to focus on your sobriety though and if you think in any way this could hinder your progress then perhaps you should let it go. Love yourself enough to do that.

I’m in a similar position. I had a crazy episode with my partner this day last week, I know I have traumatised him with it and I am not sure how he will move forward. I am seeing him for the first time tomorrow, he has said he will stick by me but that it can never happen again. If it’s too much for him to handle, then I love him enough to let him try and find happiness with out me, but I love myself too to let it go and focus on myself, my sobriety and my peace of mind.

I need to make amends with him whatever way it goes and I can only do that with a sober mind, body and soul.

Stay strong and stay sober.

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Thank you everyone. Great advise. Not sure why I was so ooo low last night. I woke up early, had coffee and got all my chores finished before I left for work at 7 am. I had a great day today, after work I went to jewel and bought a couple rewards, sparkling water, fruit and honey. Made a fruit smoothie and worked out!

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Great to hear @Daithi you had a great day!!!We all have good days ,OK days,bad days and worst days but its totally normal…Focus on your recovery,take care of your mental and physical healing,that’s the priority right now.Treat your sobriety like a new baby who needs care,attention and love!!!You are worth it!!!8)Keep it up!!!8)

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So this may be way too out of date but here’s my advice anyways:
You have to stay away. I ran into the same problem awhile ago going thru my first sober breakup and I desperately wanted to get my ex back (and did;) what you have to do is no contact for 60 -90 days. NO CONTACT. that means no likes on social media, no calls, no reposts, no drive bys, NOTHING. During this 60-90 day period of no contact, go and live your life. Date, hang with friends focus on sobriety,… get to know you! You can’t fake this tho cuz ppl especially women can smell this a mile away. and if you ever see her or she bombards you in any way before the no contact time is up, alwys be happy, excited and just seem busy. Again you can not fake this so actually put in the work and by the time this no contact period of having fun, meeting new healthy people and getting to know you better, is up who knows where you will be bc you may come to find that you don’t even want that person back bc of how much you’ve grown. If that isn’t the case and you still want them back then make sure it’s on your terms and that your sobriety isn’t affected by the way someone does or does not feel about you. Good luck!

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