My head and chest go “what if you ARE a bad person?”
“What if I’ve done too many bad things to make the good I’m trying to do matter?”
“What if when I’m having a good day I remember a mistake? Is that my conscience telling me I need to deal with this more??”
Help I don’t trust myself still because I’ve talked myself into saying everything is fine I’m the past when it wasn’t. Now I’ve changed my WHOLE life, stay clear of what I used to do, prayed, repented, but my chest gets so tight sometimes and I worry about all my mistakes of the past.
I can’t get into your head and figure this out. I can only tell you from my experience that once I put my addiction in the past, all the shame and guilt and anxiety got dumped along with it.
You can’t change the past, brother. All you can do is see it clearly, and own it.
The problem with what you’re doing right now is you’re running away from your present, and into your past. You’re twisting yourself up in knots. And the effect is, you’re neglecting your present.
One of the parts of recovery is accounting, fully and fearlessly, for what happened. What are you doing to help with this?