Need serious advice!


#1

So, my whole life… It’s been just my mother and I. She passed away in April … And I got clean in August for my two beautiful boys. I’m head of household… Which is new to me… I work my ass off at work & do stuff with my kids & the stuff that needs to get done. My grandmother & my husband (we’ve been together 10 years… He got clean with me in August)… But he has no job & shes moving out soon… I’m literally staying with him because of our children. They LOVE their dad… And we are all he has. My children are all I have… This sounds bad… But I’m using him in a way, selfishly so my heart doesn’t break so my children’s heart don’t break if I end up leaving him… My children have been through enough and finally have security in their lives. I know my husband is staying clean because he knows I absolutely won’t put up with it in my house if he relapses. But I know if i say its over, he’ll leave (or try and make my life hell) and he’ll relapse… My boys will be devastated. Im so unhappy. I don’t know what to do. Help!!!


#2

Are you just unhappy with your relationship, with life in general, a little of both?


#3

Relationship… And my life because of my relationship


#4

Being unhappy in your relationship usually means something is missing that was once there and as a result, our needs aren’t met. That can lead to a miserable existence, and that can affect kids as well. I would suggest you ask yourself, what will make me happy?

As parents, we want what’s best for our kids, but sometimes what’s best for them is also what’s best for us.

Is your relationship with your husband toxic or volatile?


#5

A little quote I use all the time, “It’s your life, live it how you want to”.

With that being said, only you can make that decision about your relationship. I think you know that :man_shrugging:t3:. There’s a lot of factors and variables that go in that decision. I know, personally I would feel like my partner was not contributing to the overall health of the relationship/family if they didn’t have a reason not to work.

If you don’t take some kind of action, this feelings you have now will turn into resentment, and possibly become toxic. You have a lot to discuss with your partner, to repair this. I really suggest you do something.

Have you thought about marriage counseling?


#6

Hi. I can only speak from my own personal experience…since getting sober I’ve had to get honest. Ive had to remove all negativity from my life (still a work in progress)…I am not the same person I once was…which also means I have outgrown people, places and things. Dont feel guilty for changing into the person you are meant to be…a happier healthy mama in mind and body is what I strive to be a day at a time :heart:


#7

The only people you are responsible for is yourself and your kids, if your husband relapses that is his choice and responsibility not yours. My ex husband threatened to kill himself if I left, I still left and guess what he is still alive and still drinking! I grew up in a toxic household as a child, abusive and violent, it nearly killed me until I stopped drinking and got therapy. Wish you well x


#8

Wierd how being sober can make us think more about our relationships as fitting as it felt using that it no longer feels the same sober. You have to do whats right for you to be happy. To feel miserable and sober could possibly lead back to relapsing. If he relapses then he stayed clean for the wrong reason and didnt do it for himself. He cant hold a relationship at ransom with a relapse. Some will stay together for the sake of children but you can either search for an activity to bring you joy and keep the peace or hopefully move on to a much better person. Sometimes what we want isnt always what we need to be happy. So weight your pros and cons of the relationship before making any drastic decisions. Hes your husband and you took vows together to stick thru thick and thin. If you gave it your best shot then you did what you can do. Just be open communicate as it seems you havent and have been holding it in.


#9

Hi, I’ve been in a similar situation. I was always told to not make life-changing decisions within your first year of being clean. I listened and we still divorced but I was able to do it with a clear mind. I’m not sure how old your children are but mine was pretty young at the time and I was able to have open conversations with him only to find out he was just as unhappy as I was. Be patient with yourself first and gain the strength you need. Before you make any life changing decisions


#10

Dude…you’re on fire lately…just sayin :raised_hands:t2:


#11

My husband and I met and the very first night we got fucked up together and ever since… It was off to the races with our addictions. I was a kid when we met & I got pregnant with our first son at a young age… 10 years later now that we’re both sober & older… I dont see the same things in him as i once did, and i want someone with the same views as I do. I want someone who is driven… Not just staying with us because we’re all he has left. But my children and their best interests are on the line… So do I take the bullet for the team or do i leave their dad and try to move forward … My children deserve the best things… And for once im putting my selfishness aside so they don’t hurt. But I really am so unhappy in this relationship with my husband. Ive tried praying & asking that somehow i find some kind of attraction back in my husband… And its been 6 months sober and its just absolutely not happening. Im at a total loss of what to do.


#12

Sometimes what’s best for you IS what’s best for your children!
You’re an amazingly strong character, but standing still is really going backwards, and if you want momentum, to carry on with your sobriety and be the person you want to be - for yourself and your kids - you’re really going to have to be selfish and move forwards.
That doesn’t mean your husband can’t have input and plenty of time with the kids, just that you’ve grown up and need more from life for yourself and children.
Your story shows you CAN handle this!


#13

Hey there, I can relate to your story and situation greatly, I’ve recently seperated from my husband after I got clean from alcohol in July 2018, for a while it worked staying together but I realised that things were still the same but sober. My husband didn’t work, there was no support from his family as they were never in his life and my family live in a different country. I cried so many times thinking about what was right to do, I didn’t want to upset my children but in the long run staying just for the kids would be more damaging. I’ve had lash backs from my sons and I’ve been emotionally hurt thinking I’ve done this to them but in the long run it will be best for them if me and their dad are not together, yes it’s hard work and my ex always likes to mess me about and threatened nothing to see the kids. I knew when I had had enough and only you will know when you have. I wish you strength right now and if you ever need a friendly ear I’m here


#14

Hey I can also relate. I’ve been with my childrens father for 15 years. We met at a time were we where both grieving the deaths of our mother’s and fell.into years of partying with d.o.c and alcohol. The relationship has been quit violent and traumatic at times. I left multiple times but always returned. So not that I am sober…I’m gai ing the strength and mental clarity to leave. I know it best for the kids and I. He has not decided to be sober and over the last 30 days of me starting this journey he continues to use and drink openly.

I as well grew up.in a unhealthy/violent home and no it has contributed to a lot of my pain and poor choices in relationships. I want to stop the cycle and try to give my children their best shot.

I know a lot of my story is not the same as yours yet I wanted to reach out too you for you to know like others have that you are not alone. Blessings and strength sent your way. Congrats on your recovery this far.


#15

Each and every response im so grateful for! I want to respond… As soon as I get off from work I want to reply back! We’re all in this together :heart:


#16

What’s best for your children are for them to live with a happy mommy. If you arent happy, you should leave. You would be amazed at how well things will turn out for you. Just stay sober, clear headed and things will work out for you.


#17

It’s a fine line doing what’s right as a teacher right? I’m not advocating for one side or the other because that’s up to you but I always fall back on; be the thing you hope teach. A living example beats a broken record. show them what you would want them to do if they were in your shoes by doing it yourself.


#18

Its always so hard for us to figure out our own lives but what i have found to help me make better decisions is imagine my child coming to me in this situation what advice would i give her? Of course i would want my child happy so she could be the best healthy mom to her children…every human is trying to be the best they can…you got this…


#19

Congrats on 6 months :slight_smile:
In my humble opinion. 6 months is a fraction of the time you’ve spent together using, so maybe you both have a lot to learn about yourselves and eachother? Whether you are going to separate or work together to grow, do it like a champ! maybe seek professional help or talk about it in meetings. Whatever you want to happen ask yourself why? I think you want the best for both. And if you matter more to him then himself then maybe he’s got work to do on himself.


#20

Some marvellous advices above :slight_smile: id say, if you want to give it a try, marriage counceling would be worth trying. People change, relationships change and sobriety multiplies this change. Like said hurrying isnt gonna do any good if your everyday life is quite ok (no using, violence etc).

To stay only because of kids, dont. Kids can have their both parents after divorce too and it can work well if you both have maturity to cooperate for the sake of children.

Im 4 mths sober and having puzzled feelings about my marriage and him, but then again, im puzzled about myself too. Sometimes i wish for a quick solution, but then remind myself to be patient, to wait and see. He is not perfect, world is not perfect, neither am i.

All the best, wether you decide to stay together or not. Both can be great solutions :slight_smile::heart: