Hi you guys, need a bit of accountability today. I’ve so far been majorly blessed with what feels like a relativley effortlessly achieved sobriety. My life is two thousand times better than when I was still drinking. I’ve also been battling with heavy depression and crippling anxiety for more than half of my life and this also has so unexpectedly significantly improved that I do not even ever consider going back to drinking, never think one day in the future I might be able to moderate, I don’t miss it - even though I loved it, even though I still work as a barmaid, even though a lot of the issues it “helped me deal with” (obvs not)/issues I responded to with drinking are still there. I’m a happy, growing, optimistic girl these days, no longer a shell of a person.
That said, I’m approaching my 6 months mark next week and am experiencing some unsettling and frightening moments. I’ve read on this forum and heard from other people who’ve been sober for ages then went back out mindlessly. Who had a drink for no reason, who went out to the shops to get booze despite old habits and routines having seemed broken, who seemingly in a lapse acted as if they were still drinkers even though they were not and had not been for a long(ish) time. I never really could relate to these stories, but these days I experience a mute, inexpressive part of myself that seems to nudge me to take a sip, have a glass of wine at work like in the olden days, buy that pocket vodka from the tabacco shop as usual - as if the last six months never had happened! I feel as if there is a shadow faugxh, independent of my conscious me, trying to become dominant, while consciously I have no desire to drink, no craving, nothing. Last night at work I poured some leftover secco away with such urgency and fear as if it was on fire or infested with maggots or sth.
One last dimension of this is that I am in psychoanalysis since shortly before my sobriety date, and the therapy is working deeply in me and is just now getting seriously to business, looking at where it really starts to hurt and where one really doesn’t want to go. But has to.
I even, without meaning to and without actually believing it said to my therapist, how an ongoing problematic situation with my bf and I is endangering or at least making my sobriety harder for me. I even wanted to take this statement back immediately as I don’t really feel endangered, I feel really quite stable in my sobriety. But this weird slip of tongue, the shadow me I cannot trust, the silly nerves around six months (why?), the fact I already know by heart the aa meetings schedule of my neighborhood (so far not been, never needed to, but am now seriously considering to add another weapon to my arsenal! Will go this week, I have already decided, really.), It’s a weird combination of circumstances I would like people’s opinions on, have you experienced similar things? I am afraid something will happen and I will take a drink despite not wanting to, I am creeped out and feel I can’t trust myself (not how I usually feel about myself at all!)
Thanks for reading! Have a great day all and go strong!