New member- here for support and attempting to stop my self-harm

Those things are all hard man. They build up progressively, but it’s important to handle situations as they arise, as you can. You know that whole "chipping away at the pile of bolders by picking up one small rock at a time " sort of thing.

As far as the boyfriend goes, I say fuck em. It’s a hard motto to live by bc the heart makes things hard, but you shouldn’t be required to slave away for the affections of someone who won’t fight for you

@Roliver4 Thanks… It’s hard to just say fuck em though.

As for you, @Madhatter , I have no idea how to be happy. I’ve tried and tried and tried, but I can’t seem to be happy. The more I try to be happy, the more unhappy I become. I gave up on being happy a while ago… I mean, I had friends at one point, but I lost them all. They just hated me all of a sudden… Online friends? I have those. They’re amazing people! But I occasionally screw up and lose another one. I always screw up… My brain can’t find the right shit to say so it comes out wrong… I absolutely hate myself. I know nothing about me that’s good. I’m called pretty often, but I couldn’t care less about that right now. Personality wise I absolutely SUCK.

Hey dear!
I have been where you are, so I understand where you’re at. I’ve got some nasty scars from myself harming. I don’t know your exact family dynamic, but I had to remind myself that they weren’t trying to make things difficult, they just didn’t know how to help. Family members of self-harmers often feel helpless because they don’t understand why someone would hurt themselves. I don’t know if you can sit down with your parents and ask them to help you by listening and giving you love and support. Let them know that you know they don’t understand why you do what you do, but offer them ways to help support you. Maybe that’s asking your dad/mom if after school you can go for a walk and you’ll tell them - and be brutally honest - about your day. Maybe if you’re feeling emotionless, ask your mom/dad for a hug and have a cup of tea with them. Obviously I don’t know you’re family dynamic but doing something along these lines might help everyone.

Other things that helped me and might help you:
You said you’re a writer!:slight_smile: Get a notebook, and go to park/old building /your living room. Find 5-10 things to write a 150/1pg description of. And it doesn’t have to be anything special; a dandelion, that rug you have no idea way it’s still on the house, but take a few minutes and focus entirely on whatever it is. And write down as much detail as you can. What it smells like, what colors are faded, whatever. Keep that book with you and try to do it once a week. Then, when you are in that moment of ‘I need to hurt myself’ pull that out and read it. It’s a book of saved good moments. Trust me that can help. And don’t feel like the objects have to be special /unique. Sometimes mundane will fit the bill nicely. :smile:

This next one is NOT to say 'someone has it worse’
Find a place to volunteer. Be it at a homeless shelter /animal shelter, local library etc. And take pictures. Take a selfie with the dog/people you’re volunteering for. And when the bad moments come pull those pictures out and remind that nasty voice(and yourself) that you made 5 minutes of someone else’s day better. And that worthless things don’t do that. You are worth everything.

Oh goodness. I just realised how long this post is becoming. Lol! I’ll stop here, but please feel free to message me if you need! You are worth so much, even if you can’t see it right now!

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@BWASB The thing is, none of you really know me. Which sucks since it’s just angering how you’re telling me that I’m great, yet I’m not. At all. Believe me. I’d know. However, where I live, it’s too warm to go and sit and write like that. It’s also hard for me to find places to volunteer, especially since I don’t have the time rn. I’m busy worrying about stopping my cutting and taking care of my depression and shit. And redoing my bedroom.

You’re right, I don’t know you personally, so I don’t ‘know’ what you’re going through. But I understand it. You sound an awful lot like I did. And you probably think the same things I did when people say ‘you’re a great person!’. Probably some variation of ‘yeah right, if you only knew’? I didn’t say you were a ‘great person’ for that very reason. You might be a perfectly ordinary person. I said you had value. People can go their whole lives not being great but they always have value. So yes. You ARE at the VERY LEAST a perfectly ordinary, VALUABLE person. And from 24yo me to 14yo you. Don’t you forget that. :smile:

As for my suggestions, they’re worth what you pay for them. So if you don’t take any of my advice, I won’t be offended. :smile: However I don’t know if you saw what they’re supposed to do. Depression is a disorder that makes everyone who suffers from it self-centered. Not to be confused with selfish, the self-centered depression turns our attention inward to an unhealthy degree : ‘I’m such a terrible person, I did something wrong, My life is terrible etc.’ This doesn’t make you a bad person, so don’t spiral on me. It’s a problem from the disorder. So you don’t have to do exactly what I suggested, but I would urge you to find something, anything that makes you focus on an other living creature. If that’s helping your mom with house chores unasked, getting a hamster, whatever works for you.
None of the suggestions are going to be an instant fix as I’m sure you know, half of battling depression is training yourself to look outward.
Battling depression and self-harm is just that, a battle. Look at it like you’re fighting a dragon. And it’s going to be an everyday thing for a while. Some days for me I win the battle because I got out of bed and went to work. Others it’s that I did that, managed not to spiral into a panic attack while giving a presentation and didn’t run over in my mind everything I’ve done wrong in the past 12 years. You can get through this I promise, it’s just going to take a choice every week, every day, every moment. And you can do it.

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I remember hating myself in high school and having no friends. I was bullied. I was a minority. I actually still struggle with loving myself but I gotta tell you that life is so much easier out in the real world compared to high school. Everyone is so busy worrying about themselves. My outlet at the time was poetry and short stories as well. Scary stuff as I recall. But I’d rather get it out then let it fester. Also I want to point out that the popular kids are now mostly losers and users. The nerds and the loners rejected social popularity and instead chose wealth and prosperity. Looks and popularity are no match for wealth and success as an adult. You can show them all! I wonder if perhaps you could get a fresh start at a new school?

@BWASB I guess…

@Collie-Cendence shrug

Sorry guys, not really feeling it ATM… I’m rather emotionless ATM. I can barely force myself to type…

Went over what you’ve read and I myself have some serious depression and anxiety myself, so much to the point that it’s turned into a substance problem all so I can feel normal. All I can say is find an outlet. Music and writing have always been my two things as well. Rock, punk, metal, etc. all that I can relate with. At 18 years old I blacked out due to my drinking and woke up couple hours later in a hospital bed. It wasn’t the first time I tried either but it was the first time I almost succeed had it not been for my roommates at the time. If it wasn’t for my friends I wouldn’t be here today and that fact still stands true cause I can’t help but think of them every time I wanna off myself or get high. I’m not gonna lie and tell you what you wanna hear but I’ll tell you you’ve got to find things that can distract you or when you feel that way be able to see the problem and try and like everybody else has said remember the positive. High school is a pain in the butt honestly for me it turned out to be some of the moments I remember the most now. Don’t be afraid of your writing either Edgar Allen Poe was a dark writer and yet he’s known fairly well. Some of the most depressed people I know made a killing off their pain including most artist. Emotions make us alive, they make us human. When we get down we can be our worst enemy cause sometimes we put ourselves in even worse stats. I can’t tell you how many times I got high because I never called a friend or a family member cause I was like they don’t care nobody cares but while I was away they were up for hours at a time looking for me wondering if I was ok. You are not alone and if this the place you need to go to feel important or to feel that people are listening don’t shut that out use it to your advantage. There is so much life out there you just gotta find something that helps you. If writing is your thing then don’t be afraid to use it. Just be you and enjoy life as much as you can. At 20 I promised myself I would never go down that road again so at the current moment I’ve got blink 182 tattoo that covers my scars I love them so much and jack that I would never cut my tat just to cut. If that’s something you wanna think about doing later on then use it. I thought it was the end so many times yet for some reason we’re still here and we fight to keep going. Far as relationships go leave that to the side. Find some goals set some guide lines and crush the hell out of them and be happy for yourself. Hell be happy that your still alive and this world didn’t break you that’s an accomplishment.

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You are worth it. Do u have a support system? Please know there are people who can help. You are courageous to reach out on this site. Please keep coming back. Suicide is not the answer.

@Orange2011 I appreciate what you’re saying and it’s stuff that I’ve heard before and I try.

@Orange2011 @Bond007 However, I’m close to being broken. My mom found out that I’m suicidal and now I’m on a 24/7 watch (I even have to SLEEP with my parents). If I feel like I’m gonna act on it again, I’m gonna call the hotline AND tell someone who I promised to tell and then my mom too. If I still want to, then I’m gonna be taken to a hospital. But for now I’m trying to do make up and get dressed well and shop since that boosts my self esteem a bit.

Two days, eleven hours clean. New record.

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Emsy, I know you say you’re not feeling it right now (hopefully that’s changed in the last couple of days) but, reading your reply about your boyfriend dumping you, your writing actually seems upbeat. It’s probably the way your channeling the anger, giving yourself focus other than the ‘black dog’, it almost reads in a positive way, despite the topic. Maybe it’s the way I’m reading it.
There’s a saying on here “don’t drink/use AT someone” it’s a good one. It basically means don’t let someone take your power, your control. The only person it hurts is you. I’d say it applies here; channel that anger into something amazing.
Much love to you :green_heart:

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Everyone is beautiful. Think positive and dont let anyone tell you your not :blush:

Thanks, @Cory1 Cory… I’ll try, @Luna.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet. It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can. And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away. It just takes some time, Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine.
-Jimmy eats world.

@emsy I was you at 12-16. I self-harmed for 10 years before I got help. You know what you need to do…take your meds, take part in your therapy. No one can do it for you. You have depression and waked out hormones which is a double whammy. You’re not unique in this aspect. I know being popular or having friends seems important right now but when you become an adult, none of that matters. The popular cheerleader will end up having her own problems. Stay true to yourself…watch your nutrition, get vitamin D from sunshine, take walks for exercise, do the things you love, put effort into your mental health.

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