Hey there.
I just recently found the app and Talking Sober - I am impressed with the motivating help provided by all the different members here - so I thought I would participate and take shelter in the positive spirit here.
Sorry this is long - but here comes my introduction:
I am a female in my thirties from Europe, Germany. Aside from the very occasional joint (maybe twice a year, when offered), I introduced an ever increasing multi-toxic mix of drugs to my weekend-partylife about 2 years ago.
I’m ashamed to say I did so consciously and as a grown-up – basically to broaden my experiences, being able to dance for hours and hours without feet hurting (I usually get sleepy around 2 am, so all the electro music-parties that only start around that time, where incredibly new and exciting to experience for me), connecting to my best friends on this special, very emotional out-spaced level and of course getting this incredibly happy feeling.
The first year was a blast. The people closest to me (including me) decided to go on this incredible drug-journey together, feeling closer than ever and feeling bad-ass because we ignored what society tells us to do (at least that was one of my motivations). Plus of course, we would never feel like those poor addicts on TV or on the street, because we all had and have jobs, steady income, ability to afford "high quality"of our drugs of choice and of course we were strictly “limiting” our use to the weekends. 
It felt great to discover new drugs on the way like ketamine and most importantly to discover the myriad ways to mix different drugs to achieve a better/longer high. And in the first few months, it basically felt like there were no repercussions, like those I knew from occasionally consuming too much alcohol in my teenage years and vomiting in the toilet. With these new drugs, especially cocaine and amphetamine, I was not only able to enjoy an incredible high, but cheat myself out on the low afterwards, by taking loads of benzos and Valium so I would spend the first few days of the week a bit in a haze. Until the following weekend, when we would start all over.
The second year I started getting doubts. First of all, there now was a significant comedown after partying for 2 days straight. Then I realized that all our social events centered around doing drugs. That our circle of friends had, with the exception of a few friends, transformed to a circle of fellow druggies. We tried even more drugs, the worst of which for me was crack. I only took it 6 or 7 times before I called it quits out of sheer fear because I could feel the addiction pulling me and no mistake. I still can’t think about it without envisioning the smell, sound, feel and this incredibly good and at the same time toxic-feeling high.
I started worrying about my depression, for which I have taken Venlaflaxin for the last 6 or 7 years, getting worse instead of being steadily in check. There were mood-swings from all the shit I put into my system and sometimes it started a small avalanche of depressive thoughts. I started developing (light) sleeping problems, which I have never had in my whole life.
Worst of all, I knew where the cocaine and speed was stashed and I started taking some (well, basically stealing in secrecy from our shared stash) and hiding them - for the off chance that I would “need” them to get rid of my workload or rid of the boredom in my job. I always took all of those hidden stuff in about 48 hours, during a normal working week. I didn’t want to tell my friends, because I was afraid they wouldn’t understand why I took drugs without the party in sight. I did tell eventually, which started a ridiculous dance of hiding keys, hiding the drugs from me, me looking for them when alone and finally calling on of my roommates to spill where it was hidden - since I paid for it too and was a grown-up and made my own decisions (even if they went directly against my previous own decisions).
Over the past year I tried hard to get back into the wonderful space of year 1, drugs “in moderation” and only on party-weekends, but the reality was, I was far from being able or willing (!) to use in moderation and party-weekend had long since developed into every-weekend.
For my own sake, I decided a month ago to quit those drugs for good. I’m still not against the occasional joint or ingesting magic mushrooms once a year, but I can’t keep going with cocaine, speed, ketamine and the benzos I would need to shut my body down after abusing those drugs. I’m going to a therapist (on unrelated things) and am thinking about joining an NA-meeting next to me. I’ve developed a nasty “habit” (or is it a tick?) of forcefully gnashing and pressing my teeth during daytime. I think it started during drug use, but it has not left me for almost half a year. I am desperate, because there is not much information on “daytime bruxism” and I have broken 3 teeth guards in the meantime. My dentist says I need to stop, my therapists says “there are no medications for this, it needs time and psychotherapy” and my brain says to gnash those teeth all the time like there’s no tomorrow and enough money on my bank account for new teeth (there is not!!). Do you guys have anybody here who has a similar problem? I would be thankful to be able to share tips!
I feel very much alone, since basically all of my close friends and roommates are still enjoying their party-weekends and having apparently much less problems with it then I did. I feel like a bore when I do join them and leave for home around 2 or 3 am. Those party-locations aren’t as great as they felt when I was high - basically they are full of smoke, there are way too many people for me to feel comfortable (I’m more of an introvert when I don’t use) and the music is boring and too loud.
Then many times I feel like I’m taking the whole drug-abuse-issue far too seriously - since I have a cozy home, family, friends and job - what’s wrong with spending some of that money on myself feeling super-duper-good on weekends? I miss cocaine for the way it made me feel strong and awake and sexy inside, I miss speed for the way I could dance or work so long without any bad feelings, I miss crack for the way it felt like dying and bliss at the same time, I miss this extra-special connection with the people closest to me and I miss benzos for the way they put a dark, cozy blanket over me.
Right now I’m 31 days sober. I’m not willing to let go of people near me (since I hope they will join me soon) and I’m not willing to let go of the occasional party on the weekend (although as mentioned before, I’m in the process of finding out those party locations are maybe not my favorite place to be). Watching people use anything while I don’t is hard. But so far I’ve been successful. I think the issue I would like to have the most help with is (aside from the frightening teeth-gnashing-tick), how do I differentiate between leading a cool, hedonistic lifestyle and being addicted to drugs - it was the former I was striving to do, but I’m fairly sure I ended up in the second category.
Reading here has been great for me in the last weeks, so I decided to create my own account and join in. Maybe someone who has read all to the bottom has some helpful words of advice for me, they would be greatly appreciated. 
Your english is just fine. And to be honest with you, I think it’s not a good idea to go around old people and places that you went to in addiction while you are newly sober. It can cause a relapse. As for your friends getting sober…they are on their own journey. You have to get sober for yourself and do your own recovery. Hopefully, by living that way, they will know who to come to when they are ready.
–if you’re giving up this lifestyle it’s all or nothing I’m afraid-I tried the method you’re suggesting and it
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