I have been contemplating sobriety for quite some while now, alcohol has always been an enemy. I have had countless drunken nights out where I have embarresed myself, the blackouts, then the shameful stories of what I got up to, I once peed on a friends leg when going for a wee outside my house, sat on the floor and wailed that I wasn’t going home and wanted to party, I Have oh gosh and so many more I’m too ashamed to admit. I’ve hurt loved ones, been nasty and everything, I finally noticed that I can no longer control my drinking. I am a all or nothing girl and it has got to the point that I don’t have to be in the company of others anymore to drink. I finish work at 8, shower then sit in bed and drink wine after wine, and even when my eyes are dry from tiredness I still make sure I finish that glass. I don’t drink everyday but that doesn’t mean my drinking won’t end up like that and I’m scared. My father is an alcoholic and when I meet up with him and he is drunk I am so pissed off at him, how hypocritical of me?
No one around me knows the full extend of my drinking and although they know I can get ridiculously drunk, they think that’s all it is.
I feel my drinking definetly stemmed from losing my brother 9 years ago, that was the starting point before then I was just regular 19 year old who had a few wkds at the local club. After he died I started to drink a bottle of wine a night to cope with the pain, didn’t think much of drinking didn’t really think it was a issue then I moved in with my ex boyfriend and we drank every night still didn’t think it was an issue I never really had a hangover and I didn’t guzzle my drinks down. When me and my ex boyfriend split up my circumstances changed and I met someone new whilst moving back in with my mum.
My now partner highlighted to me how much I was drinking when we were together and it really was a wake up call. But this then resulted in my trying to hide my drinking then, I would say goodnight to him earlier on nights that I wasn’t with him because I became paranoid that he would know id drank lots of wine. My boyfriend has never once told me to stop drinking or has made an issue of it in any way but now I feel I am living a lie. I continue to let him down by not being honest and drinking so much I black out whenever we go out with friends. He even had a panic attack one night on a night out and I’m sure this was because he was worried I was going to get into a state where he won’t be able to cope or control me or get me home safe.
I’m contemplating going to my doctors. I really need help. I feel like my life is spiralling and get all I do to cope with it, is to continue to drink. Please can you give me some tips on how to keep motivated.
Thanks and sorry for such a long winded post
Xx
You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
Somebody once told me that I had a choice. I could have alcohol, or I could have everything else in the world. Can’t have both.
You are so right. I need to channel this thought.
I never had anyone in my life that told me my drinking was a problem bc I surrounded myself with people just like me. Even after to DUIs I still kept at it. It took for me to spiral into such a deep dark depression for me to finally say no more. I couldn’t even look in the mirror without hating what I saw. Put the drink down and everything will get better. It takes time but will get easier. Read on here and take any advice given. It took me 2 months of people saying AA saved them before I finally forced myself to go to a meeting. Now I get to one almost daily. They really help. If I was able to stop(I drank a minimum of 10 shots every day for the past 3 years) then you can too. All the best 
A warm welcome @RIHAE. Great you have found your way to this app. I’m so sorry about your brother’s loss. And I can imagine that this is/was a huge trigger to numb your pain. It’s the very first big step to see that your alcohol got way out of control. To me no one really said I should drink less but it was me too who realised it. I got so sick and tired of being this way. But believe me I had many first days in the past. But last year I really had enough. You should go and see your doctor. Do you think you can open up with him? This would be another big step towards your sobriety. Maybe try an AA meeting Close by? That’s where you can really open up and will find like minded people who have the same experience than you. You will see. Suddenly you won’t feel lonely anymore. Stay here and read and ask a lot. Some of those people on here are like my second family now and I owe them big time that I am still sober until today. I started last October when I really really had enough of this poison with the 30 day experiment of Annie Grace. It’s for free. Google it. It might give you a push to really start your sobriety. I wish you the best because you deserve a sober and happy life!!!
Hi @RIHAE, welcome to this awesome forum. I’m so so sorry for your loss. I know first hand what bereavement does to make you drink more, it numbs all that hurt but over time we need more and more to try to keep it numb. I too got myself into a habit of drinking every night. I’m so glad I found this place. Well done on deciding enough is enough. Definitely go to your doctors and talk to them, they might be able to help you with your detox. I wish you well my friend! 
Thank you for. Your response to my message, it definetly gives me hope knowing that there are people out there who are similar to me. I Hope you continue to find happiness on this journey. I have just finished work and drink was not on my mind this evening, all thanks to this forum!! Thanks again xx
That’s amazing that you have been on this journey since October, hats off to you. I have never heard of Annie Grace so I will Google this and hope this will help me. Thank you for your response and I wish you all the best too on this new chapter in your life xx
Thank you for your response blonde, I was speaking with my partner last night who BTW is one of those people who can have one drink-unlike me! Lol and he mentioned that several times I have been very intoxicated I have had full blown crying fits literally howling about my brother, and I do think this is because maybe I never dealt with it. Or is it because I am looking for something to blame for my past behaviours? I really need to do some soul searching. Thanks again. And I wish you all the happiness in the world xx
I thought I had dealt with my sisters passing but until I really stopped drinking and gave my self head space and lots of self love I wasn’t able to grieve properly. I can promise you that if you give total sobriety a fair go your head will start to feel so much better. Feeling feelings is as hard as shit but we have to let them in, sit with them a while and then let them go. I find even now that I can just be going about my day and all of a sudden a memory comes to me and I SEE IT! I actually say to myself, ahhh so that’s why that happened or ahhh so that’s why that went down the way it did…it’s crazy the stuff we bury when drinking. I also had some counselling and I was prescribed anti depressants for a while. It’s a hard journey but it’s totally worth it my friend, I promise! Together we can do this, one day at a time. Keep talking here, the folks on here are so kind and non judgmental. Use this place as a tool in your sober new life. The best thing that was said to me on here during one of my emotional rants/moments was from @anon12657779… this to shall pass . We are exactly where we are supposed to be.(or something like that lol) …Sending strength and love to you. Good luck on your journey x