During the day I can usually distract myself. Plus I’ve been going to NA daily so that helps too.
I have such a hard time going to sleep though.
I look at pictures of my son. He’s so perfect and sweet. During the day when I look at pictured and videos it makes me smile, but at night my emotions are a little more high strung. It breaks my heart to look at that sweet face and it breaks my heart to stop looking.
I used to wake up every hour or 2. So now I just stay awake. I’ll watch episode after episode of some show on Netflix until I can’t keep my eyes open, usually till 3-4 am, sometimes later. I get up around 9-10, go to my meeting at noon then stay up all day again. I refuse to nap because I need to wear myself out to the point of exhaustion otherwise I have nightmares.
I know it’ll be awhile before I get custody again. I’m okay with that now, I want to be stable and totally clean before I get him back for good, I owe him that, he deserves a mom that’s clean and sober. But not being allowed visits, not even being able to get pictures or videos sent, that’s what’s killing me.
I would give anything to hold my baby right now, to be able to kiss him goodnight and watch him sleep.
I miss him so much.
