So my courses just finished one month ago. Since then I started drinking almost every day, sometime too much so I could call for drugs and don’t even remember it. It’s been two weeks that I figured that my behaviours were problematic and I should stop. I quit for 4 days then started again. Yesterday I drank just because I had to work but I had so much anxiety so the booze would calm me and let me go thru the night. Then at midnight I said this has to stop, I’m being out of control: the alcool has been controlling me for the last month.
Theses bad habits of drifting for a week or two started around 2 years ago when me and my girlfriend broke up. Well, she left for a lot of reason, but my behaviours when I was drunk were one of them. When she left I started home drinking for days in row, then weeks. I took 3 semesters off the school (I’m a Phd student so I could just pay my semesters and put myself in “research”…) which make me a little late in my program as of today, but I’m ok with it. I mean, I WAS ok with it, because after those 3 semesters, I was seeing a psychotherapist and I also saw a very nice woman working in an addiction center who helped me when I figured I had a problem with the booze. So I was fine with all the money I spent, the time I lost and the friendship I failed, because I started to work on myself seriously and started to control my drinking. So I restarted school, full motivation. 1 month off booze and I was more advanced then I did in one year. I celebrated for a week (relapses), then realized I couldn’t control it still. I did then 50 days off, that is my personal record. Then it was Christmas times, off school, tons of partys so I drank for 3 weeks. The school restarted so I stopped again for 1 month, then relapses, etc. Until the end of the semester when I drifted for the last month.
The last month could’ve just look normal for a lot of people in my entourage. School finished (that was a though one seriously), summers starting, student mid-twenties, single, working in the restauration… it’s ok to have fun a little bit, but I see that right now I can’t control it anymore: I have to go shitface every time, and this is not fun anymore. For a lot of my friend it’s the summer vacation. A lot of them work in bars like me, some have their “real job”. But there’s almost none who understands that I’m in serious studies where even in the summer I have to put in the work, even if it’s 35 outside and it’s Bob’s birthday. But most importantly, they hardly understand that alcool might be a problem. “You just have to control you or stop at a certain point or stop for a week then come to my pool party” Some just doesn’t care.
I feel like I’m putting the fault on others when it’s actually me that is not putting my words on the table and just assume that this is not the person I want to be. I don’t want to loose any relation because of this and by the mean time that also mean I don’t want to create and maintain unhealthy relations.
Anyways, I don’t know where I’m going with all this in this post. I joined last week here. Today I felt like sharing because I want to commit to this, to become the person I want to be. And experience shows me that I might only be able to do this if i go sober.
Anyways, thanks for reading, hope you guys having a wonderful day. Feel good to just writing this.
