Not another relapse post

Hey guys,
I’ve been absent for a while 🙋
To make it short, I started drinking again after 6 months. Today is day one.
I moved back home to Austria and the expectation of friends and family is what got me. They were all so happy to see me and wanted to have beers together … well here I am. I didn’t fix everything by moving back, suprise.
I proved to myself, that I will inevitably go down the rabbit hole when I take that one drink. It’s impressive. I had 6+ beers every night for a week, only leaving my appartement to buy alcohol. It’s just like when I started out. Sigh. I’m really astounded that my brain is not capable of understanding that.
I had a hard time taking my problem seriously. I told myself that it’s only a phase, that I’m just treating my depression and once that’s in order, I would be able to drink.
This morning I noticed that I can palpate my liver under my ribcage. One shouldn’t be able to do that, I’m trained in the medical field, I know how an enlarged liver feels like.
I’m shaking and I’m scared shitless guys.
I haven’t told anyone about my drinking problem - I know that now I’ve come to a point where I have to start talking NOW.
My best friend is under a lot of pressure right now and I don’t want to put this on her too.
Many of my closest friends live in Germany, I just moved away.
I have a good relationship with my parents, but my mother is a psychiatrist and has strong opinions about me - she would make this about her in an instant. I’d like to get a little better until i deal with that. My brother … well he would go straight to our parents and I’m not ready for that.
So my only option is to talk to strangers. I have to go to a meeting. I proved to myself, that I can’t do it alone. I always avoided it, because I knew there wouldn’t be a way back to drinking once I made it “official”.
Good. I think I’m ready. But so very, very nervous. I know the people there have heard it all. But I hate talking in front of people. And I always need time to warm up to people.
I guess I don’t have a choice anymore. I’m now more scared than proud, so I will go tomorrow.
I’ll let you know how it goes, holding myself accountable by posting here!

28 Likes

Thank you for the support Monkey!
I agree with everything you said - I just seem to have a hard time accepting it.

1 Like

@Penguin I am sorry to hear of your relapse. But it sounds like u have a plan. For a couple of reasons I do online meetings. Could be a way to dip ur toes in? I don’t go to meetings so often, but about once a week really helps me remember that I am an alcoholic, and I have to keep alert. Keep us updated.

1 Like

Thank you for your suggestion. Right now I feel like I have to do something drastic, I need the physical shock to the system of sitting in a meeting. I have been thinking about going for years! I’m not sure if AA is for me, I read a lot of critical stuff about it, but I want to give it at least a try.
I will definitely consider Online Meetings in the future, because of time management and the Covid-situation in general, I think it’d be neat.

1 Like

@Penguin. Glad you chose to work on your sobriety! Not a subscriber to AA myself, but soooooo many wise souls here are. Do you have a plan for staying away from drinking friends? Did your friends from Germany drink? I only ask because your social life seems to be a challenge in your life and what contributed to your relapse. We’re in your corner!!

1 Like

I’m glad you’re back! You definitely don’t have to talk in the meetings until you want to. Just your name and “pass”, lol… for now.

1 Like

Thanks for the encouragement and for pointing out the social factor.
What triggered my relapse was the huge life-change to move back to Vienna after having lived in Germany for ten years. Also, I have been diagnosed with depression in the past.
Most of my friends only drink moderately or even abstain from alcohol. I prefered to drink alone in my room (used to share an appartement with friends) because I didn’t want anyone to see me drunk like that. I never really drank much on social occasions, because I was ashamed, I got wasted after I got home :see_no_evil: you could call me a closet-drinker :sweat_smile:
I think the reason for my drinking is more inside of me I guess? I’ll have to work on that.

1 Like

Welcome back here and good to see you back. I relapsed after moving to a new region as well. At that time I was 90 days sober. New environment, new people, job.
What really stuck reading your words was: cannot tell my mom as she would put it on her. Hmmm, I know these thoughts well and remember my psy always and always repeating like a broken cassette : it’s not about your mother here. She is an adult, she can handle this. If not, she can go for help as well. So, this is your life and it is about you and you getting sober and not what your mother might or might not think, feel, be worried.

:pray:

3 Likes

Thank you for your reply!
Yes. I 100% agree. The problem is that my mother is an authority on mental health questions, because she is a psyciatrist and has a lot of strong opinions. So far so good. I keep telling her like a broken record that as her daughter I’m the only female adult in the world she can’t categorize or have a medical opinion on, which she gladly ignores. It’s always been that way.
I know if I tell her about my relationship with alcohol she will be shocked and cry and I have to comfort her. Then she will shake her head and proceed to tell me how I got itall wrong. Maybe she’ll force me into some kind of program I’m not comfortable with.
I would have to deal with her reaction and won’t be able to focus on my sobriety. So in a way I’m protecting me, not her. But I get your point!

1 Like

Welcome back Penguin.
I missed you.
:pray:t2::heart:

1 Like

Thank you Eric! I missed you too - and TS!

1 Like

Thank you for raising the topic a bit in my head. Just came to realise a bit more clearly that when someone says that I have to understand my mom blaaaahhhhh this does not has do be translated into: I have to fulfil all her wishes. I can understand or try to do so but I don’t have to fulfil her wishes. I am not here to please her. This seems logic for many. And is in my head since forever but mostly only as empty words.
I don’t even have to justify wanting to be alone over Christmas or not home.

2 Likes

I hear you. I did a lot of things to please my mother and as I grow older, I can put things into perspective. We’re hugely impacted by the people who raise us, but we’re not on earth to please them.
Besides all our troubles I do love my mom and work on having a better relationship with her. Idealy one with mutual respect and understanding :heart:

2 Likes

welcome back and it was good to read what you’ve been up to. we got your back! :heart:

1 Like

Welcome back @penguin. Yes, let us know how it goes! Glad you’re here.

1 Like

Welcome back @Penguin! I was missing you around here. It always makes me happy when I see your avatar pop up. I love, love, love penguins. :joy:

2 Likes

@claire-lo @Clarity and @Lisa07
Thanks for the warm welcome, it’s good to have you guys support, even though I foolishly had go another round on the carousel :roll_eyes: I’m really thankful for that!
Anyhow. Yesterday I totally forgot that we are in hard lockdown at the moment :sweat_smile: so unfortunately I won’t be able to go to an in person-meeting for another two weeks. So I’ll go with Misokatsus suggestion and will be joining my very first Zoom - Meeting later! I don’t know what to expect, but I’ll go there with an open mind and listen.
I always thought I put a lot of effort into staying sober, but it doesn’t seem to be enough anymore, so here we go!

3 Likes