I’m on day 26 and have had cravings and thoughts about drinking ever since I quit but last night… last night was BAD!!! The “planning event” took place. I was going to have the house to myself so I was going to get some alcohol. The whole night was planned, where I was going to get my drink, how much I was going to get as a “moderate drinker” even tho I had a contingency plan to get more if needed, and I know it’s always needed after that first sip. Then I had plans on what I was going to do around the house while I was drunk, yard work, paint my nails even tho the next day the paint job is ridiculous! Gunked up with 3 choppy layers that takes a putty knife to get off. I was going to organize my bills and send stuff to the shredder and most likely would have sent more than I wanted because I really wouldn’t have cared what I got rid of. I planned where I was going to throw away the cans and how I was going to stuff the bag with newspaper so nobody could hear what was in the bag. Then thoughts ran thru my head about if I would reset my counter, nobody would know!!! I could just keep on counting my days and return back to sober Kelly but I assume that wouldn’t be true, I’d probably just have more planned days until I was back to drinking daily.
It turns out that I wasn’t alone all night so my plan got shut down. I’ll never know if I actually would have drank, or if I would have been honest about it. I would like to think that I would have had the strength to power thru the night and chalk it up as lesson learned but I’ll never know. What I do know is what a MEGA trigger is for me. I knew it was going to happen, I just didn’t know what it would be and next time it might be something completely different. What frustrates me the absolute most is I always tell myself, when I’m having a weak moment to come straight here, to reach out to a friend, go for a walk! Something! But it was like I got past the point of no return.
That was a very scary moment and just goes to show how powerful the brain is when you’re an alocholic. I’m beyond thankful I didn’t drink, even tho I feel dirty and ashamed that I even let my brain take that path. I’m still sober and ready to take on this day!
Thank you for reading and if anyone has had moments of weakness and survived, how did you do it?
I’m only on week one so kudos on 26 and going… I have had moments and what has helped me the most is thinking back on how much of an asshole I was drunk and who I hurt along the way. This has seemed to work to put me back on focus. Stay strong and think of how exciting it is to be sober. Skies the limit sober. Honestly!
My triggers are when im too stressed out or angry or when i have the whole day to myself but im on 168 days sober so im past the stage where i know i can withstand temptation. I have my own goal set to stay sober and have less of a reason to stop because my mind is made up that im not a drinker anymore. It would be silly to throw away your hard earned days sober over a weak moment.
Thank goodness you made it through! I have been there and done that and had to reset my counter. I’m so glad your plans didn’t happen. I think you would have been so upset with yourself like I know I was. Keep going! You got this!!
I recently got a treadmill that I’m going to utilize for moments like last night. I still can’t believe how strong the urge was and how it was taking control. All week including Friday and Saturday night was pretty chill with minimal thoughts of drinking, then it was like I got punched in the face with the urge! This is real and by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
My trigger is being home alone, that’s where I always drank. I had the whole argument about nobody knowing because I was alone in the house but at least I know to make a plan for the next time THAT happens!!! Dodged a bullet this time.
@Kmills888 Take those feelings you are having and put them in that trash bag you were thinking of. That’s where they belong. You have no reason to feel like that Right now you should feel grateful, proud, stronger,smarter and much more aware of how this works. You did awesome. Very few go that far down the rabbit hole without doing a one way trip to wonderland.Only to wake feeling like they had an all inclusive trip to the third dimension of Hell. Next time this happens you will know where the tripwires are. I am so proud of you.
I literally sat here at my desk at work and got choked up reading your messages. Sometimes it’s hard to see the positive in a situation when you’re spinning circles around yourself trying to figure out what in the world makes your brain go off track like that. You guys are right and thank you for being positive and keeping me strong and reminding me that damnit I CAN DO THIS!!!
@C-sun
Thank you for your story, definitely relatable! I’ve also come to find out that those who are not addicted don’t see the world the same way we do. The little hidden triggers and just being around an atmosphere filled with landmines is hard to navigate at times. I’m not going to drink today either and hopefully I’ll be able to take my emotions out on my treadmill!
For those that question being an addict… I read a saying on here and I don’t remember where because I read so much. But someone posted something like this…
Non-addicts don’t count days
It’s such a small saying but so powerful and oh so true!
Being home alone is big for me too. Whenever my kids got picked up by their dad, and my sober bf was away visitong his son, ie every Friday night, I had nights that were really similar to what you had planned. I realized that I have a hard time being alone even though I think I like it. I got in the habit of not doing enough self nurturing things, or enough domestic things, so painting nails and sorting mail while drunk seemed tempting – though in real life, it’s just lame and self sabotaging. Maybe try signing up for a yoga class if you have a night alone looming?
Omg you nailed it. That was me Friday night and Saturday night. Unfortunately I did not survive Saturday. I guess two nights of dark thoughts can overtake even the strongest mind. I made my trip to Bevmo and made two cocktails at home and then went to bed. Needless to say I reset my counter. Way to go on not drinking. Truly inspirational.
This is my story too. Night alone, can’t relax and just enjoy myself, try to keep distracted to avoid going to the store. Sometimes it works. I don’t enjoy being alone. My two cocktails turns into ten though…
@Kmills888. Very good share. It will let everyone know how hard times will get. Awesome job not drinking. But I’m going to suggest instead of focusing on a night alone. Get to a meeting maybe a few. After the meeting go see a movie or walk around the mall or… Protect your sobriety take an active role in steering your recovery. I’m not trying to sound unsupportive because you did a good job not giving in. I’m just thinking you need more plans the next time this happens. This would of been a very good read for me as I was struggling. This is a battle for your life. Thank you for sharing
Maybe the fact that you ended up not alone was a God moment. Seems to be to me at least. I know, only on day 17, i have planned once as well, but in my “previous life” I would constantly plan and scheme, even when i told my loved ones I wasn’t going to drink. I guess it is indicative of the disease, but whether you intended it or not, i guess be thankful it happened, recommit and reach out if it happens again. We’re all in this together. Today is a new day.
Trust me I could have finished that whole bottle. But I got overwhelmed with sleep and I wasn’t enjoying my drink so I just went to bed. But my “plan” was to not get drunk. I planned out what I would drink and what I would not do and especially not end up hungover. I definitely don’t want to drink anymore. Even though no one knew, I knew and that didn’t and doesn’t sit well with me. How are you handling the cravings?
