Not gonna drink but don't wanna feel

There’s a TS zoom meet up going on now if you need company or want to vent. I’ve been to a few and they’re very informal. The people that are on now are really nice and welcoming. Here’s the link if you’re interested:

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Thanks very much for the suggestion but I’m going to just sit here & wait . It’s giving me time to think about what he has already said and what more I would like to ask. Something said previously really made me think of this in a different way and I plan to pursue some conversation about what could be different going forward. I really do love him & my insecurities and past are seriously clouding the current situation.

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Hi Squirt, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It is devastating in an already intensely image-focused world, to see those images taking up space in his eyes and his mind.

There is some good advice from the other posters above. @Piglet raises an important point when he observes that many porn viewers partition it away from the rest of their life as an escape. In that way, it’s kind of like eating a pack of Oreos at night, by yourself. There’s nothing healthy or nutritious about it, and it’s not something you enjoy with others.

It’s something alone, a hyperstimulating, escapist fantasy.

Your choice about what you want to work with, in a partner, are yours to make. There is no wrong choice, and you deserve full support for all the feelings, and any choice you make here.

As a man who watched porn for years, even into my marriage, and who has entered a sex addiction recovery clinic as part of my recovery plan, I can say: porn and masturbation to porn is a nasty habit that is haaaaaard to change, especially if you don’t understand the way it mucks with your psychological arousal and intimacy pathways. That really messes with your brain’s way of thinking about arousal: in my own case, I found it divorced physical arousal from emotional connection - which I am working on rebuilding now, piece by piece. For many people who watch porn, it is an anaesthetic for deeper unresolved fears and struggles with their self-concept.

There is a lot of good writing on the topic. When I entered recovery I asked my wife to join a parallel program for partners of sex/porn addicts, and they studied this book:
https://www.gentlepath.com/product.php?productid=85

I mention that in the context of my relationship just because it’s my experience. I know you are heartbroken and may not be in a position to think about something like this. But the heartbreak will not go away overnight - and it is helpful, often, to know many people (often women) have been in your exact shoes. It doesn’t make it right and it sure as hell doesn’t make it easy. But at least you’re not alone.

I am so sorry to hear about what you saw. It is crushing. If there is any way I can help or provide some insight (or someone to lash out at as a dummy for your partner - take the rage out on me), don’t hesitate to reach out. Whatever you choose to do though, you are a good person who deserves a safe life where you can respect yourself, and the people who are important to you.

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I understand totally!! Getting your thoughts together is exactly what you need to do right now. Just know we’re all here for you.

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Again. . .your words help so much. I will definitely be looking for some material to read as this is a new betrayal to me. @Piglet allowed me to look at his activities in a different light. I’m definitely treading on new territory but didn’t think of the fantasy side and that is definitely something my man has brought up. Right now I’m asking myself if it’s really hurting me? Do I consider it cheating? Why do I feel so betrayed? This isn’t something we’re going to work out over night but I’m starting to feel it’s something I want to work on with him.

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I would just like to say how strong and brave you are being.
A lesser person would be sat in their truck with a bottle of whiskey and likely end up in all sorts of mess.
Instead, you have removed yourself from the situation and are letting yourself feel the emotions.
I know it feels a mess but I’m proud of you.
Do you have an escape plan? Somewhere you can go easily that is safe? Because you can’t sit in your truck all day.
Keep reaching out and talking.
Sending you strength.

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What everyone else has already said: as awfully painful as all of this is? I really hope you can look back at this soon, or one day, and see how incredibly strong and committed to sobriety you are, and be deeply proud of yourself.
Sending you strength and hugs. We’re here. Let us know when you can that you are somewhere safe. :orange_heart:

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I know how devastating this is, my husband watches porn and I know he talks to his online girlfriends and they send him pics/videos of themselves and vice versa. I’m actually shaking and feeling nauseous texting this as it brings back all the hurt and humiliation his betrayals has caused. You have to be true to yourself, what you see as acceptable. You have to focus on you, especially if you dealing with other stuff in your life. You have to communicate and hopefully he is open and honest and you can work it out from there. I hope it works out for you as you do deserve better, never lose your self worth :blue_heart:

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If I may offer kind calm words to you my friend. The path back to the peace you had before seeing those pictures is in your line of site. You have found pictures that threaten your peace with your partner. This magnanimous fear demanded clarity of which you did not obtain. Only your partner knows. Go to them and give yourself want you want. What you want is to know. Ask them my friend. That is your request to yourself, not a drink, you crave the knowledge from your partner. Walk through the discomfort and stand resolute as the knowledge allows you to grow. Unexpected growth can be frightening. It’s ok to be scared. Go back and give yourself strength by learning if your partner is going to continue to maintain the life you both have. From my perspective, seems like outside of viewing some photos and an overwhelming mental reaction to them, yall are totally cool.

I am at home, safe & sober. We talked quite a bit last night & for now I’ll just say this. I know it’s not going to be easy to get through but I want to work through it together. Today is a new day.

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Woke up this morning after some nasty dreams about my man’s online activity. Wanted to search through his tablet but couldn’t. What the hell is wrong with me.

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My heart feels cheated and I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I told him the same and asked him if he had ideas to let me know. My dream was quite vivid and in it the woman said of course he’s gonna hide me, that’s why he changed his password. It’s just a dream and I’m scared she’s right. Need to get out of my head. Another salsa making day

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Hi Michelle,
I’m glad you are discussing it with him. I’m not sure what you meant in your dream, is it that you suspect there is another woman? Remember, as far as I am aware, nothing suggests that there is. He would change his password if he wanted to cover up his porn. It is a fantasy, and of course it would be a big leap, and not a logical one, to infer that his interest in porn means there is also another woman.
Perhaps I am reading too much into your post. I hope the salsa turns out well! :slightly_smiling_face::pray:

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I understand there is no specific other woman yet feel cheated in the same way. In my dream an Asian woman was talking to me. . .I know she’s not real. I don’t know how to ask if he’s changed his password or really where to go from here. I feel lost and if I bring it up like I’m dwelling in it. At the same time I don’t know how to progress

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You have every right to bring it up if it’s bothering you. Don’t bottle it up or you’ll explode. I don’t think you’re dwelling on it since it’s still so fresh. It’s about your feelings now, not his. Talk about what makes you feel better.

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I can understand that you must feel overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts. This is new and you didn’t expect it. I think you should bring the subject up to allay your fears. Perhaps write down all the questions you need to ask and put aside a time with your partner to discuss it. You have a right to know the answers and it doesn’t have to be confrontational, just so you are clear and you signal it is something you need to discuss because your relationship is important and so you can both move on with a better understanding. Just a suggestion. Best wishes :pray::heart:

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I’m not even sure what questions I have. I’m not even sure what I need to alleviate this terrible feeling. Somehow I feel I’m in the wrong. I don’t want to become a person that is suspicious and bothered by his online activities but at the same time I don’t want him browsing. I feel like my day has been consumed and somewhat wasted with this renting space in my head.

It’s a huge deal, a betrayal of trust you had.
If the tables were turned I’m sure he’d have questions. Don’t feel bad for feeling bad.

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Hi Michelle,
It’s not your fault. You are his equal and you have a right to expect peace of mind. Stay well clear of thinking that the situation is because you are not enough. That’s not the case.
I think the thoughts buzzing around in your head will get exhausted with all that well, buzzing around and bothering you, and they will fall into place so everything will become clearer. Take it easy and remember to breathe. :pray::heart:

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Are you married, financially obligated or have children with him?