A few years ago my oldest daughter said to me out of nowhere, “Mom, remember when we lived in that hotel?”
I certainly had not forgotten. However, it’s something I chose not to think about… ever. Like most things…ignored
Today, 3 arrests, 2 child neglect convictions, 4 rounds of outpatient, 2 anger management certificates, 1 shaming newspaper article and several ruined or struggling positive relationships later… I did it again…
I’m a happy, fun drunk normally. Until I’m not. This go round it took over 2 yrs or so but the angry monster showed her face this past Saturday night.
8 vodka sodas, maybe 12??? Who was counting? I sure wasn’t counting. I just kept drinking. Most days it’s just a bottle of rose or a few beers. But not this day.
When I went home, the only few things I really remember were violently throwing my family out of the house in the dark cold of winter because it was “my house” & then waking up wonder, where everyone had gone.
For some reason, they have forgiven me enough to come home after some verbal lashings, silent treatment & allowing me to reflect for a few days in pain not knowing if they’d come back. But the energy in the house is sad and broken.
What I struggle with the most is thinking, “but that crazy me only comes out sometimes. Look, it took years this time around for the crazy to come out. I’ll be able to drink normally again. My family will trust me and feel safe soon enough. Right!?!”
Right now I hate the alcohol & feeling clarity in these few days of sobriety. I’m happy to wake up early and make my daughter a beautiful school lunch, show up to work on time & remeber doing all of it.
I’m not scared about the now or tomorrow.
I’m afraid of the comfortable place after time heals.
It’s next month, it’s next year. It’s accepting that I cannot touch a drop of any kind. I’m scared because I’ve mastered a level of manipulation to fool anyone, including myself that “I got this” so I can go back to building that monster that’s not the true me.
Today I battle guilt and shame. I yearn for my families forgiveness and trust. I pray I stop fooling myself, lying to myself and accept the facts.
I reread this draft and it sounds like I am a low life. One would never know my outside appearance and life looks pretty great. But for right now the reality is I’m still fooling myself
Sigh
Things don’t change if things don’t change