Now What - I am out of Strikes

A few years ago my oldest daughter said to me out of nowhere, “Mom, remember when we lived in that hotel?”

I certainly had not forgotten. However, it’s something I chose not to think about… ever. Like most things…ignored

Today, 3 arrests, 2 child neglect convictions, 4 rounds of outpatient, 2 anger management certificates, 1 shaming newspaper article and several ruined or struggling positive relationships later… I did it again…

I’m a happy, fun drunk normally. Until I’m not. This go round it took over 2 yrs or so but the angry monster showed her face this past Saturday night.

8 vodka sodas, maybe 12??? Who was counting? I sure wasn’t counting. I just kept drinking. Most days it’s just a bottle of rose or a few beers. But not this day.

When I went home, the only few things I really remember were violently throwing my family out of the house in the dark cold of winter because it was “my house” & then waking up wonder, where everyone had gone.

For some reason, they have forgiven me enough to come home after some verbal lashings, silent treatment & allowing me to reflect for a few days in pain not knowing if they’d come back. But the energy in the house is sad and broken.

What I struggle with the most is thinking, “but that crazy me only comes out sometimes. Look, it took years this time around for the crazy to come out. I’ll be able to drink normally again. My family will trust me and feel safe soon enough. Right!?!”

Right now I hate the alcohol & feeling clarity in these few days of sobriety. I’m happy to wake up early and make my daughter a beautiful school lunch, show up to work on time & remeber doing all of it.

I’m not scared about the now or tomorrow.
I’m afraid of the comfortable place after time heals.

It’s next month, it’s next year. It’s accepting that I cannot touch a drop of any kind. I’m scared because I’ve mastered a level of manipulation to fool anyone, including myself that “I got this” so I can go back to building that monster that’s not the true me.

Today I battle guilt and shame. I yearn for my families forgiveness and trust. I pray I stop fooling myself, lying to myself and accept the facts.

I reread this draft and it sounds like I am a low life. One would never know my outside appearance and life looks pretty great. But for right now the reality is I’m still fooling myself
Things don’t change if things don’t change


I prayed for the same stuff. The day I prayed for God to give me the strength to put down the drink, everything got better. Good luck, we are here to help.


I was much the same, a happy fun drunk until I wasn’t. But, that was also my own drunk perception of myself. Anyone sober around me likely saw me as different than I did when I was intoxicated.

I don’t think you’re a lowlife, I think your story is similar to many of ours. I turned into an alcoholic, looking for something in my life that the bottle could never give me. It just made it all worse.

Have you ever attempted seeking help for this? Don’t look at it as forever. I just quit and one day at a time I figured out how much better life is without the booze and I never went back. I could not think of a single good reason to drink, it was truly all bullshit excuses. I came up with a hundred or more NOT to drink. It took changing everything but I knew if I didn’t stop I would lose everything I had anyway until it ultimately took my life, that’s what this addiction does. So I did everything and anything it took to remain sober, this placed helped a ton and so did finding my self love again. I’m now 333 days in and I never want to touch that poision again! I hope you find what you need my friend, life is much brighter for me on this side of the fence. :heart:


Thank you for sharing your deepest emotions and feelings. I know it difficult to share with strangers, and even harder to share with loved ones and close friends.

The fact is, you might feel like you struck out. However, you got many more at bats; in this game called life. You can’t truely repair anything, until you admit to yourself that alcohol has no place in your life. Shame and guilt will be replaced with hope and satisfaction when you become the “you” your suppose to be.

We all have been in the hole looking up, asking ourselves how we got there… the real question should be. What are you/we willing to do to soar above the clouds?

We understand, and I know you have the power to make this transformation in your life!


It sounds like you have a good sense of where you are, and how you got there. Now to figure out how to get where you want to be.

I say this all the time, because it’s what made the difference for me:

I cannot change what happened or who I was. I can only change who I am today, and what I do from this day forward.

I wasn’t free from alcohol until I stopped fearing “forever”, and instead embraced it. “Forever” may end for me in an hour. I could drop dead from a heart attack or a plane could crash into my house and “forever” in this life is done. The one thing I can control is to be sober “forever”, however long that is.

Sobriety is simple : say “no” to the drink that matters…the first drink and say “no” to the hardest person to say “no” to…yourself. If I say “no” to the first drink, I win 100% of the time. The whole thing turns on one drink…the first drink.

Simple. Not easy, but simple.

Decide to be better and then be better. Keep getting better at getting better each and every day.

You can do this, “forever”.


Things don’t change if you don’t change them.


Maybe try a meeting. AA and my higher power keep me sober on a daily basis. Nothing would have gotten better if I kept drinking. Wish you well.


Keep fighting! Only you can decide when you have had enough. I’m glad you’ve been sober at this point though. Meetings and getting around the right people has been a real blessing for me.


Thank you for sharing your story. I think that took courage and you should be proud of yourself for that.

It seems to me as though you know very well what does NOT work. You may not know what you should do that will work but you definitely know what not to do. Try something new. And if that doesn’t work try another something new. Keep at it until you find what works for you.


Prayers i feel ya!

You made the right choice coming here and now I hope you will take it a few steps further.

I was always a happy drunk too. Always. But I was a drunk nonetheless. A drink-to-blackout happy drunk. I would wake up in the morning with no recollection of what happened the night before. Hoping, praying I didn’t do anything stupid. Usually didn’t. My decision to get sober was because I didn’t want my wife and kids seeing a happy drunk, an angry drunk, ANY kind of drunk. How pathetic of me to be boozing my face off while my family sat and watched TV, played games, talked, ate dinner, or whatever. I was losing precious time with my family by drinking away the hours. I now enjoy every, single, coherent, lucid, sober moment.

Now, looking at your situation (based only on a few paragraphs), it looks like you’re holding on to alcohol as hard as you can… wanting to keep it in your life IN HOPES of not having a violent episode. But you have to ask yourself… Are the “good” drunken nights really that good? Are they worth the risk of losing your family forever?

I believe you answered all these questions in your original post without actually saying it. But this truly may be your last chance. Unshackle yourself from the bonds of alcohol. Its poison that will either steal you away from your family or steal your family away from you.

Consider right now how great you feel being sober and how good it feels to wake up in the morning with no fear of what may or may not have happened the night before. Get some help. Attend a meeting. Check in to this forum often and feel the strength and support of these amazing people. You can do this and you will never, ever regret it.


So far reading the comments are inspiring
I’ve gone to about 3 meetings in the past at different points in time
May be an excuse BUT :roll_eyes: my town is super small and I’ve had encounters with friends and they gossip and don’t make the anonymous at all.
Any advise
It’s not comfortable

So so very spot on!

Is it just that they are freely talking in public about their experiences and in the process “outing” someone else? I can kind of see how that could happen. I just can’t imagine that someone in the program would purposefully expose another person’s membership. That really does go against the principles of the program.

BUT, I admit that I have been leery of going to a lunchtime meeting near my work for fear of running into a coworker. I tell myself that I shouldn’t feel that way since clearly they would also be at the meeting to get help, but it is still hard to openly admit to someone you know that you are having a problem. It’s much easier for me at my evening meeting where I know no one.


2 difference occasions

  1. My old roommate and I drank heavily together. She started going to meetings and another friend had seen her around. That friend came over and when my old roommate came up the friend said “ we’ll I’m not supposed to say…but” and shared some details of seeing her in meeting and things they chatted about. Things I know the roommate didn’t want me to know for sure

  2. Friend found a sponsor who happens to be a different friends step mom - step mom shared certain details about member with step daughter. Guess who she called first to gossip… me. Told me every detail she knew or had heard from step mom - making it seem less by saying “that’s all she’s say. She wouldn’t give too much info because it’s AA”

I don’t know. And I don’t want to run into anyone I do know either.

Even in baseball, if you strike out you still get a chance to bat again unless you’re pulled from the line up(which in our case is death)

Stop swinging wildly and work on your swing with lots of batting practice, change your swing, change your approach. Your swing got you into this, gonna take a different swing to get you out.

AA and IOP counseling helped me change my swing, I don’t hit home runs every time but I do get on base all the time. Maybe these things could help you too.


General Hal Moore, “3 strikes and you are not out, there is always 1 more thing you can do”

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