Hey Guys 
So about 6 weeks ago I started working in a corporate office in the city. I love it, but I was a bit surprised at how much the drinking culture would effect me.
There are bars everywhere in the city, people drink on lunch breaks, after work, and thereās this real culture about banning together with the team for drinks after work on a Friday.
I feel okay passing on the drinks on Fridays, Iām used to this. But I feel like Iām missing out on the opportunity to form bonds in the team. The team leader in my group and a few people seem quite close and share inside jokes about nights out they have had. And I dunno, I just feel like working my ass off and proving Iām really capable in my role isnāt as good as getting pissed and becoming mates. Which is frustrating.
Any advice guys? I know some arenāt inviting me because they know Iām sober, but should I try and tag along?
Maybe Iām just overthinking it.
I know itās hard, but as a manager of team managers; itās the ones who donāt do the āFridayā thing, turn in for work sober on Monday or any other workday (itās ability not appearance that matter a bit, like, āPrinciples before Personalitiesā, at the end of tradition 12) that puts them leaps and bounds of those who are still incapable of carrying out a conversation above grunts until midday Monday & still shouldnāt be driving at CoP.
(Most of the young guns fall into the alcohol trap and not all can or should be allowed to escape it, cynical, but true, business makes hard and resourceful and, usually, sober leaders).
Thereās only one whose left with me and sheās ringfenced, not for her gender, but for what she can do, nothing incriminating, sheās just the very, very, very best analyst in the field āwhen sheās Soberā, and, Iām working on keeping her that wayš«°
Just play to your strengths, the foremost of which are sobriety and clear thinking.
Take care & dltbgd
I wouldnāt bother. If it is the kind of place and if they are the kind of managers who do that, and who donāt recognise good work then maybe consider alternative employment options.
So sorry to hear this and I feel you!
But honestly, it tells a lot about the people and what a kind of team leaders theyāreā¦ If they pick up their drinking friends over a hrad worker colleague, I wouldnāt like to work for such a companyā¦
I personally donāt think you should give in and try to join. Itās simply not worth in my opinion. If you feel like thatās what you must do to get some respect, then itās perhaps not really a good place for youā¦
It sounds like a place full of immature people 
, rather than people who are capable of running a sucessfull bussiness.
Thanks for the responses @Jana1988 @Lezourez @Badger
It is worth mentioning, I get along really well with my team leaders bossās boss. We both are sober and vegetarian and have bonded over that! It doesnāt appear the drinking and being mates extends everywhere. But it definitely makes me feel isolated and not as close to the immediate team I work in.
I think Iāll keep working hard, proving my skills and hopefully my consistency and who I am shines through to the people that matter. To be fair, I donāt think my team leader is very experienced, he is quite new and fairly young.
Just keep doing the right things, stay out of trouble and above all stay sober.
Sounds like youāve got some wankers around you, stay strong and you should out run them all, but look for the weasel whoās not what they seem, not a prediction, thereās always one around 
My DOC isnāt alcohol but I donāt drink for religious reasons so I have been the outsider for a long time in offices where drinking is part of - part of (not the whole thing, by far) - the habits people have when they interact.
I did drink when I was younger but I gave it up. That changed some things for me.
Iāve found that itās a basic human need to belong. We all want to belong. We all need to belong to something, a team, a group, an inside-joke circle; we all want to belong to something and to recognize and use the symbols of belonging (of which inside jokes are one example; other examples are team shirts, tattoos, songs, art, foods, etc etc; all symbols of belonging).
I pass on bars and have for a long time. At first I was kind of stumbling around wondering what to do but gradually I found other ways to belong, for example:
- I joined game groups (board games, RPGs)
- I participated in events in my community (I play folk tunes on the guitar at faith events and at social events; really any type of constructive community is a space where you can belong)
- I organized murder mystery parties at my house (highly recommended and the fun thing about murder mystery parties is you donāt have to fake small talk because the murder mystery gives you a character to play, then something to talk about when youāre done)
- I go to museums and galleries with friends (Iāll just pop up with an invitation, and even if they donāt like that particular museum they often suggest one they do, and Iām pretty eclectic in my tastes)
- etc etc
There are many, many spaces and ways you can find belonging, both in activities organized by others and in activities you organize. Brainstorm and let your mind go wild. Youāll be surprised.
The only people I hang out with at work are the people who Iāve found have an interest in the activities and spaces Iām interested in (which is not bars - it was never about the bars anyway for me, it was always about the people and the belonging). That has made a short list of people from work, though that is more than covered by the much longer list of people in my belonging group who donāt work in the same place as me.
Itās about a ānucleus of belongingā or ānuclei of belongingā. What is / are your nuclei of belonging? Is being in the same company, the same employer, the nucleus that binds you? Is there something more organic, more natural to you as a person, that might create more sustainable and fulfilling belonging?
@Matt i think of you as a sort of Oracle on this app. I ask the questions I feel like maybe I know deep down, and your wisdom speaks to me on the deep level I need to hear it.
You are right. The sense of belonging I seek isnāt going to come from drinking and I wonāt find it at a bar with the people from work.
I have a friend I know at work who Iāve been friends with for nearly two decades. We love art, that would probably be a great thing to connect and bond over together, perhaps inviting people that are interested along.
The sense of belonging in the group around alcohol makes me feel left out but I can find other ways.
I also love games, my husband and I play magic (lame but we love it lol) we should totally find more social ways to connect with others in this. We have a few times but not regularly.
Thanks for the wisdom bombs Matt. You are an angel
Iām a rookie here of course, but for most of my life most co-workers didnāt know I drank. I went to the bars with them, did the corporate events where alcohol is seemingly the number one priority for many. I drank at home; in my woodshop. Not necessarily alone as I always have a friend or two in there with me.
But at work events, people didnāt know I drank because I didnāt drink with them. I simply said I donāt drink. No one shunned me, and I never felt out of place with them as they par-took.
I totally understand the idea that if you arenāt there, youāre missing out in things. Like You mentioned. Inside jokes, information, companionship, bonding. So, go. Crash their events. Have the bartender give you a soda water or other beverage in a lowball glass with a lemon or lime sticking out. If anyone asks what your drinking, be transparent. Sometimes theyāll try their peer pressure tactics -aaaaa come oooooonnnnn huiste one drink!!! Just sit and smile at that one as$hat that will do that. Theyāll go away.
Iāve been wanting to be that ānot drinkingā guy 24x7; not just with coworkers. Now, for the past month at least, I am! 
I used to play Magic. I loved it. I havenāt played in years and I have no idea where my cards went. Theyāre probably in a box in my momās basement 
Iām glad I was able to help. One of my friends told me Iām pretty good with words, with using words to give shape to ideas. Maybe thatās what I did here. You had an idea deep in you and I just helped give it shape on the screen.
Enjoy the search. Itās fun exploring new spaces, new places to feed your interests and to discover new ones. Keep us posted!
Living in world where alcohol abounds is challenging. I remember my first sober sales team meeting. I kept telling myself that no one can make me drink, if I donāt want to drink, and no one can stop me from drinking, if I want to drink. Sobriety begins and ends with me.
So, if thereās nothing except my desire to be sober stopping me from walking to the wine rack in my house, and pouring a drink, my desire to remain sober is enough to carry me through an evening surrounded by people drinking.
But I am me, and you are you. Your mileage may vary.
In the beginning, I avoided places, situations where others would be drinking, especially if the focus was to drink alcohol, eg- a bar. However, as time passed and I grew more confident in myself and my decision to be sober, I realised that I can be around others that chose to drink and I can make my own choice not to. In doing so, I actually felt so proud and courageous. It was a beautiful realisation that I really have no need for alcohol. I am a fun, kind and good-hearted and interesting enough person without alcohol. If anyone ever made me feel left-out or something negative, that was just an eye opener for me that that person/group are not my people. Most people are accepting, kind and helpful; even curious and inspired. The ones who arenāt are facing their own stuff. Do what makes you feel good, sober. You are worthy of feeling included, safe and seen whether you drink or not 
Iām pretty sure that you are more of these things sober, than you ever were with alcohol.
thanks @Yoda-Stevie
yep, Alcohol led me to actually feel more insecure and always scared/embarrassed, especially on the occasions when Iād drink too much - which was often - Iād wake up the next day with SO much anxiety and feelings of shame. Donāt have to deal with that anymore having a drink to feel included with ppl at work isnāt worth it. We need to stay true to ourselves.
Hey @Matt check out what my journal and the full moon this month is telling meā¦ spooky hahah.
āThere is nothing more empty than connecting with another by abandoning yoursefā
Wow! That is amazing! Sometimes the universe really manifests things in sync with our manifesting. I think this is one of these