For the last year or so I’ve seen little fruit of counselling/therapy (this is my 5th year in). I’ve had so much constant (emotional) pain and anxiety there’s not really been space for much else. As the pain dissipates other long suppressed things surface.
I’m missing my childhood. Not all of it but snippets. My Dad used to make my birthday cakes. I often asked for a big block of vanilla ice cream with chocolate icing. He made that. Me and my sister asked for a small cubby house. He made that too. Dad poured out so much love for us thru his hands since he has never been able to say it in words. It took me 30+ years to understand that.
So I sit here, overwhelmed. The adult me is grateful for tokens of love I’ve received from my Dad over the years. The little girl, whose voice I lost for decades under all that pain, still cries out desperately to her Dad. To sit on his lap. To fall asleep in his armpit. To rest her head on his belly while he does Donald duck. To force him with her to play in the sand pit. To hear the words he could never say.
My dad is in his 60’s, retired this year, mainly healthy. A solemn man out in the countryside. Decades between my childhood and the now have not been easy on either of us. I pray our best time together would still be ahead, and not behind.
To all fathers with young/ish children, I say this as a daughter. Not expecting you to be perfect but to be present and safe.
Tell your girl often you love her with and without words so she can sense she is worth loving. Tell your girl she is beautiful so she will one day believe it about herself. Tell your girl she’s got it, she can make it so she’ll have courage and trust in herself when self-doubt sets in. Tell your girl she is precious, valuable and a treasure so she’s not lost when this world and other people want pull her down and take advantage of her. Stand up for her so she knows she worth of protection.
We might ask for Barbies (are they still a thing??), waterguns, phones, weekly allowance etc but please understand this: we might not yet have realised that what we really need is your heart.
What a beautiful memory. Definitely cherish it! Make it into a poem or picture or whatever speaks to your heart and soul. Make it concrete so you won’t forget, ever.
I’m sorry you didn’t receive it from your dad. You’re so worth it. His inability to affirm it doesn’t make you worthless. You’re so worth it.
Give yourself time to heal. It took many moons to get to where you are today. It’s going to take more than a few moons to acknowledge and address the pain of the past. Pain now is a sign that you are growing. You are feeling the feelings and not escaping from or numbing them. Inner child work can have amazing benefits. Hugs to both you & lil Olivia
Mind is a sneaky thing.
I build up (sometimes unnecessary) anxiety before going home for Christmas. This year we had a nice one without drama. I was still anxious bc you never know in advance.
Substances are not my escape but daydreaming is, which leads easily to my DOC. I didn’t realise at first that I had infact escaped into my daydreams to cope with Christmas. Caught myself today and had to make it stop. I get quite disconnected from the now if I keep it up.
I’m not relapsing but really sad. Tearing down cloud castles, as my language puts it, leaves me raw. I feel entitled since there’s nothing going on relationship-wise IRL.
Problem here is not Christmas, not my childhood family and not even my eternal spinsterhood (YES IT IS IMO), but my coping methods under relational and emotional stress. I know this but somehow it all gets connected and tangled up in my head. Pmo is not the answer. Relationship probably neither (YES IT IS I’M TELLING YA). So I pick myself up yet again and keep working on myself.
But some nights it would be really nice to be made love into oblivion. Or even somewhere in that ball park.
This seemed very far away but here I am. I have to admit, I don’t consider numbers a goal reached but my (new) therapist was impressed. I know I can go without PMO’ing for a while but intrusive, sexual thoughts are a daily battle and trigger. That’s what imma be dealing with in therapy this spring. Sobriety and transformation.
I can really relate, I fought that constantly it seemed early in recovery and still do occasionally. I tell myself “that’s not who I am today, I’ll not get any real relief from thinking like that”
In honour of your 100 days, your honesty, your courage, your openness, your compassion for others and yourself, and in gratitude for sharing your journey with all of us here…
Of course the best snow was in plain sight of my wee home and my neighbours’ windows and balconies. And I forgot how hard it is to get out of a snow angel! I can only imagine it looked a bit like someone’s back on the bottle!
Congrats, lovely. Looking forward to sharing more days on this journey with you.
This is f***ing awesome M!! You said you were gonna do it and you did. Thank you for sharing, you made my day. I wish we could see video, especially the part where you’re trying to get up without wrecking your beautiful art work.
Tell your girl often you love her with and without words so she can sense she is worth loving.
Proud of you dear! 
. What? Scout couldn’t take your pic?