I’m ok. In reference to my previous post: brain is still malfunctioning but I’m onto it now. This is turning out be a surprising learning curve. I hope you’re doing well.
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Never knew I was Italian but ok…
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Bellissima!!! 
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Is it bad that I’m Italian and dont understand a damn word you guys said?
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Umm… Google translate? Ever tried? LOL.
That you don’t understand Italian doesn’t make you a bad Italian. However, you told you can’t stand onion and garlic which is very very bad. You should give up your Italian last name because of it. 
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Estás usando el traductor de Google, ¿no? ¿Por qué no hablas español
Te amo senora Laura, eres tan dulce,el texto predictivo de mi teléfono es bilingüe
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AND I can make a killer lasagna 
I’m known for it. But I only make it for people who are worthy. There will be no ketchup on the table, it’s blasphemy with lasagna.
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This, who puts ketchup on lasagna? 
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You need to step up your mum game, that’s criminal right there
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I’m all for that
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I’ve heard that as a recommendation time and time again. Most of us numbed our feelings quite sufficiently for so long. When they come back, good or bad, open the door and let them in.
I’m sorry you are so sad and down on yourself.
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Decided to do this on my thread, hopefully it gets to stay, LOL. A few shout outs:
@Matt, thank you for your involvement in the recent discussions, especially in the Void. I appreciate the wisdom and insight you have in these matters. I look up to the way you communicate with parties involved, with such humility, compassion, courage and yet unrelenting from what is true and right. Thank you.
@Englishd I do think that mysogynistic people need a place to process and heal. Where exactly, idk, idc (not with me atm, that’s for sure). I’ve seen you standing up against such views on this forum more than once and for me, it’s been healing. I have been abused, perhaps even raped and I was never defended. No one ever stood up for me. Until recently I blamed myself for what happened more than 15 years ago. In some way, I’ve felt you’ve stood up for me too. Never have I ever anywhere in my years and travels seen a man actually raising their voice and taking a stand. I’ve gotten politically correct muttering from the sidelines and then left to fend for myself. Thank you.
Having read a few recent posts it’s understandable that discussion on sexual abuse topics stir up people’s feelings and rotten vegetables are flung. I find it very unfortunate that some people, regardless of gender, rather hold on to their ego, pride and self-righteousness than admit deep rooted problems in our communities let alone show compassion to those afflicted.
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Thx Olivia. I admire your courage in reading and working to understand the story of your history, in your recovery, and in owning your place in it (which includes letting go of self-blame).
To recover is such a deeply personal journey. We are a tribe of people who for various reasons got lost in addiction(s), to escape our feelings of despair / disconnection / pain / loss / etc. As we recover we discover and learn to love our full humanity, with all its power and its responsibility.
We recover our humanity.
I don’t know what humanity is. Sometimes I think I get glimpses. Fleeting. Here and there. But a whole picture? No.
Sometimes I meet people who invite me in to part of their story of recovering humanity. I feel that way about you. I am grateful for that - thank you 
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Hey Liv, I love reading your journey there’s a lot of strength and hope in it,
You blaming yourself for being victimized is something I believe many people experience I have worked with many victims and often they hold onto that one piece that somehow they were at fault, even though they are not, letting go of that feeling is a huge step in the healing process, breaking the chains if you will.
I feel blessed to be part of your recovery process, even tho we are a pain in each other’s asses somedays
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I totally admire your strength and courage while addressing and discussing such difficult issues. I am also thankful for your shares and support. Your growth is inspiring and I’m sitting on the sidelines cheering you on.
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Olivia, although my addiction is alcohol, your statement resonated with me. Alcoholics have a predisposition to addiction that only manifests itself when the addictive substance is repeatedly injested. If you never drink alcohol you won’t be an alcoholic. But the “larger system of issues” is still there. I imagine it is similar for all addictions…just whatever we choose to use varies. I am not an expert on the “whys” of addiction by any means. I dont want to come across that I am. It’s just after 45 years thinking about it…yeah, I have a few opinions. From where I sit, you are a strong, resilient woman. I have great confidence you will continue to get better on your journey. 
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D 130
I’ve been feeling low for about a week. Some things have gotten under my skin so much I’m just wishing they’d go away instead of dealing with them. I guess we know how well that works, don’t we?
TW: VENTING AND RANTING AND SHIT
JEALOUSY
… I see a friend having her 2nd baby shower (wanted and welcomed)
… A friend beginning a relationship (ooh, the butterflies and phone beeping)
… A friend moving up on her career
… A couple enjoying their picked fence -phase.
… and so on.
Me?
… No career to speak of. Unemployed atm, too cuckoo.
… Got interested in someone just to get my hopes shot down once again.
… Turning 36 soon, fertility rate decreasing drastically each year.
… and so on.
So what’s going on?
I had a dream of a girl who was on my class 1st-9th grade. She was the miss-I-Have-It-All, well-off and better-people patents, kids’ favourite and teachers’ pet. She could read when school started, she aced all tests and subjects, she had a bestie (we were 3 girls in my class, guess who was always the 3rd wheel?), cool hobbies, she’s a blue eyed blonde, a beauty, boys buzzed around her constantly (what is it with blue eyes??? Can someone tell me? Mine are brown surprise surprise). It wasn’t her fault I was left out but I couldn’t help wondering what was missing in me, what did everyone see in her that made her so sought after.
I lost contact with this girl years ago, so obviously she’s not the issue here. Having that dream helped me understand what is going on with me emotionally. Deep rooted jealousy manifesting in the now. I never had the chance to deal with my jealousy as a kid and it’s marred my adulthood. It’s still in my narrative: there’s always someone who is more qualified, who can get the job done, who swoons away the guy I was interested in, who isn’t socially awkward, who succeeded gracefully vs. me who busted my ass off for grades, did my very best in nightmare jobs and failed, cares for others even when they don’t give a shit about me and even at my prettiest and sweetest won’t appear on anyone’s radar. Like I have something but never quite enough to really make it, especially in dating-relationships.
I know all Sunday school answers, like
… everyone’s uniquely beautiful (true, but seems it’s only cool in memes and doesn’t account for much irl),
… other people’s happiness & success has nothing to do with mine,
… love yourself and everything will work out,
… and so on.
F##K. THIS. SH#T. Hate this state of mind. 
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Current mood
Swearing Hedgehog
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