It’s a tough spot to be in, I can’t say much I have blue eyes as well, and yeah I’ve been gawked over about them.
I feel you about the friends getting their lives together and feeling stuck, all my friends are married and happily living their white picket fence lives, and I couldn’t even make it to the altar,
The dating scene a nightmare, last time I tried, I heard what your saying about fertility running out, and then there’s me, I can’t have any more kids, quick way to get a door slammed in your face.
D 136
I have never spoken publically about my addiction. I have no support groups in my town, they just simply don’t exist, so this forum is my peer support.
I shared my story in a TS zoom tonight and it was a big thing for me. Not easy but meaningful. I want to thank my tribe for making it a safe place for me to crack my soul open. Couldn’t have done it without your love and support
Now that’s a beautiful smile. I’m sorry I missed your share today. I wish I would have known and I could have rearranged my schedule to be there for you. You’re very brave for being so vulnerable. Sending you lots of love Olivia.
I don’t have have good answers, but you are a good person and u deserve to be happy. Sometimes that happiness is a little different to the idolized version we imagined as a child. Sometimes we get the things we idolized and still don’t get the happiness. We are all searching.
@MagicMama Thank you Maggie @littlemisschatterbox Thank you for being there Laura @Lisa07 Thank you Yeah, I didn’t want to make a bigger deal out of the sharing that it already was for me, I was sooo nervous. I decided the previous day just to go ahead be done with it! @Fury Thank you mr. Sleepy Head @Misokatsu That’s absolutely true!
I had my first relapse dream last night. It felt SO REAL. I remember thinking oh shit, I have to reset my counter!! My dreams usually lack emotion and sense of physical touch but not this one. What huge relief to wake up and realise it was just imaginary.
I learnt pretty quickly that for some reason I get into trouble if I post milestones on the forum. Strong urges, intrusive thoughts etc. Yesterday I noticed that I had missed my 150 mark and told someone I better not make a deal out of it since I might jinx it. Ironic, huh?
I hit a wall of sadness all of a sudden this afternoon. I’m glad to hear when someone close to me might be starting a relationship but I’d be lying if denied being jealous. I’ve discussed this on my thread before.
As a sidenote: I’m a very visual person, I use analogies, metaphors and images often when explaining things etc.
…Today my sadness came with an image. My real life love story was a book with blank pages. There wasn’t even a dot of ink on any page. I saw others writing theirs, pages being filled out with life and love. (I’m a sucker for real life love stories, I don’t watch Hollywood-happily-ever-after-BS anymore.) And I had nothing down. Nothing! You can’t force love to happen. It makes me very sad indeed. I don’t know if the pages are even any good anymore, I’ve wept on them an ocean or two. Sigh.
So, I sat with my feelings and thoughts and shit. I wanted to run away or get distracted but I sensed that’s not the answer. I’m know I’m in a season where I’m cutting off roots of lies and toxic mindsets. I can only fight them with the truth and I must replace them with new words about myself. I was expecting difficult emotions to surface but got overwhelmed anyway.
“My pages are blank, there will never be a love story.”
“Your pages are blank, but you have a pen in your hand. You have love in your heart. You have sailed an ocean of time and walked thru a desert of loneliness and death to get here. Write with your heart blood. Write! Write! Write!”
This is a poem I wrote right before my depression started. No one else has ever seen, heard or read it before. I guess I consider you guys special, LOL.
Hey Liv you know how to reach me. And now I have to translate said poem,
I will say when I was posting my story I had a ton of nightmares and reliving of my past, it was terrible, part of why I’m hesitant in posting part 4 & 5 right now, cause of it. Keep your cheeky head up and smile your so much fun and I enjoy your company
My dad used to bring mom flowers. I don’t know where he learnt it from, he doesn’t seem like a romantic man. It is one of the very few tokens of affection I’ve seen between them, so I cherish the memory like a treasure. That’s probably why I love receiving flowers. I’ve told people to bring me them while I’m alive. (We only do closed casket funerals so when someone dies, their casket is covered, even drowned, with flowers.) Every woman should have someone in her life to bring her flowers I got myself these
She was weary Forgotten In her own silence in the midst of chaos Never finding a fitting box
Listen! I’m vulnerable Soft Fierce Beautiful Resilient Worthy I’m a daughter of the most High The wind whispers my name The sun shines on me her radiance The oceans rage with my tears My heart has been cultivated in battlefields in rose gardens by your words looking into your eyes
"Seek me and you will find me. So take courage, dear heart."
You only need to read back on your posts to see such a powerful shift in you, your growth inspires me, your view on the world has helped me identifiy things I never noticed.
I 2nd what @anon27760155 said. I have seen such a beautiful transformation in you that leaves me in awe. Your poetry is beautiful as well; thanks for sharing.
When I was a teenager, I couldn’t wait to graduate highschool and move away. Many reasons but also a restless spirit. Yearned to see the world, like youngsters do.
And I have seen some. I’ve been to major cities in and out of Europe and lived abroad for a bit. Spent most of my 20s in my country’s capital, enjoying hectic city life. I wouldn’t trade that.
Now, closing in on my 40 years, my longing has changed radically. Visiting my hometown of nearly 3000 people in the middle of nowhere brings me to my knees. Like I’m seeing the beauty for the 1st time. Sure, job situation is poor, services even poorer, there are hardly any families with children, bigger towns are far off etc.
But these people are rich, not with money but with nature. Forests, fields, an incredible lake, changing seasons, blissful silence.
I do not belong to concrete cubes, high rises, computer screens nor masses. I wish I could learn to walk off-roads again, like we did as children.
Yeah, I didn’t want to make a bigger deal out of the sharing that it already was for me, I was sooo nervous. I decided the previous day just to go ahead be done with it! 
embarrassed
