On the verge of relapsing

Hi,
I don’t know how to write this post or if it’s even going to make sense to any of you. I feel I’m about to relapse. Today is day 80 and even though I’ve had some ups and downs these past few months and was pretty convinced I’d make it to 90 days clean & sober, I haven’t experienced this kind of mindfuck up until now.
It hasn’t even been the worst week or whatever, but for the last couple of days I feel so much hate towards other people, this world, myself. I don’t like to use that word at all, but in all honesty, it is what I’m feeling. It’s not “just” a relapse, I don’t even want to be on this fucking planet anymore (excuse me for my language). I know I would never ever take my own life, that’s why I want to numb this feeling. Life just feels pretty useless.
Writing this post is like, my last straw. Was already about to step into my car and get me some. Just had a step 1 conversation with my temporarily sponsor yesterday - wasn’t feeling to good then, too, but managable - and I feel very agitated towards some fellows I would normally reach out to, so I know I won’t reach out to any of them this time. It’s so embarrassing to admit that this is how I feel.
I dunno… Was just hoping that writing it down here might turn the craving down a notch. The full moon is pulling the crazy out pretty well this time. :woman_facepalming::woozy_face: Don’t know how to talk myself back to the “good vibe side” of sobriety. I know I will hate my guts even more if I “fail” but maybe I’m too deep in it already.

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The good vibe side of sobriety will come back… But only if you stick with sobriety!

It is totally normal to have ups and downs. Sobriety doesn’t mean things are always awesome and life is perfect. It means alcohol (or whatever) isn’t an extra thing in the mix to fuck things up.

Have a good read around the forum, read some relapse stories and see what the other side looks like or just hang out on the meme thread a while.

Think about why you wanted to be sober in the first place and remember that this too shall pass.

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I’m sorry you’re feeling like that Maartje; I totally get it… I don’t have any wise words but I know you are a strong lady and can push through it. Please, just do your best, and no matter what happens we are here for you hun. :kissing_heart:

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You’re writing and sharing here Maartje which tells me you don’t want to go out and score. You are reaching out here because you want to stay sober. You know smoking wouldn’t help. In my experience all smoking did was enhance my feelings. It didn’t numb them. Not after all those years of smoking. And waking up the day after was even so much worse.
IMO what you are thinking and feeling is addiction speaking it’s lies, saying using would help you in some way. You know it won’t. Talking about what’s troubling you might. Talking here maybe, to people you might trust. There’s good folks here. I hope you find some help here. I think you can. Talk to whoever you trust enough to talk to. It might help. Smoking won’t. Stay with us Maartje and stay clean. Hugs.

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First and foremost, you did the smart thing by coming here.

I can relate to all of the feelings above, and in my previous life, would drink because of them. What I can tell you for certain is the drinking fixes none of it. I cannot tell you how to fix it, but I can promise that getting drunk will make it worse.

Tomorrow can be day 81 or day 1. Is it worth starting over again? Is it worth the price (of which the number of days is but a small piece)?
In my experience – absolutely not. Not even close.

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You’re not too deep in it. You’re never unable to stop yourself. Put another way: you can choose your path here. You are not under the control of your addict brain.

She’s a sneaky fucker, and she’s trying to fuck you up. Recognize her narcissistic, manipulative personality. Look her straight in the eyes and say: no. Give your car keys to your neighbour and tell them not to give them back to you until tomorrow, no matter what you say.

You need to pull out all the stops now, because this is when you tell her who’s boss. This is when you end this manipulative, abusive relationship. It’s done. Because you say so.

Claim your power. It is yours.

Thinking of you Maartje. You’re a good person who’s capable. You matter. You need to be sober and safe. And your addict brain, she’s a sneaky, abusive fucker. Stop her, right now, no matter what you have to do. :innocent:

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Sounds a lot like I did around my 80 day point. I white knuckled it to 90 days and decided to find my first meeting.

Great job reaching out. This will pass. You deserve a sober life

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I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and totally get what you’re saying. I get similar thoughts myself these days and its awful. But you know drinking wont help, just put everything you have into not drinking today. It will pass.

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Sobriety is definitely not all ups and no downs. Life continues to go on and we continue to have some really shitty days. Also, you are coming up on 90 days and I know for myself (and others), that 90 day milestone approaching brought a shit ton of icky bad stuff. So I guess you are right on time there.

Please know you are strong and worthy and you matter. Today is off to a rough start and that happens. You did great venting here. Maybe take a look around at some of the posts from people who relapsed or some of your old posts. I know in your heart and I hear in your post that you know that relapsing will solve nothing and literally only make you feel worse.

I guarantee you on the flip side of that, that getting over this hump will make you proud. :heart:

You are stronger than you think. It is okay to be down. You don’t need to drink at being down.

Can you take a walk in nature? Listen to some calming music? Or thrashing move your body music? Maybe a good screaming jump around session will jog loose some of that negative energy.

:heart:

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You can get through this! Try engaging in a hobby or exercise maybe?? Exercise could help process anger and feelings of frustration!

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Good idea; a heavy bag would suffice!

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Those are great for that! I used to enjoy splitting wood when I got overly frustrated

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That’s a good one too; when I lived in NH my husband (at that time) had given me an axe for a Christmas present; all we had was a wood stove and I guess I had my standing orders! :laughing: It is a good workout though.

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Great work out! And afterwards you have firewood :slight_smile:

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I’ve been there. What I did was find something to do, clean the house, get rid of crap, talk to someone on phone, read, take a shower, on and on.
This too shall pass.
How ya doing right now?

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How are you feeling I’ve just read your post hope you stuck with it and are starting to feel more yourself :heart::blue_heart::green_heart::pray:

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Thank God… Right after writing this post and reading some of the comments and relapse posts I just started crying. I get so frustrated when I feel these negative emotions swirling around inside of me. Most of them stem from small things. Life is short and I don’t want to “waste” my time by feeling down, certainly not for the small stuff. Yes I know, the irony… since I had no problem wasting my life smoking pot lol.
I guess it’s just the little things, you know. Like telling someone a few days back I need some space for myself and they keep texting me. And then when I post a meme about “not being in the mood to be with a bunch of people”, instead of just having a laugh this same person feels the need to take it to a serious level, about me pushing people away. Sometimes I just feel alienated, like I don’t belong in a world that seems to be full of indifferent people and shallow BS, or people who seem to think everything is related to them in some way. Which is why I take some time off to get back to me and back to positive vibes. I don’t need people making me feel bad about it. So now I’ve deleted my social media accounts. Like I said, this wasn’t even a bad week. Quite the opposite actually and I guess I just have a hard time allowing myself to feel any negativity, which ofcourse… creates negativity.
Anyway, when I cried for a while, my son came home. So he asked what was wrong and I told him I just felt sad, asked him to play a board game together so we did. Then we watched a movie together and I finally started feeling a bit better. Crisis averted, still clean. Sometimes this boy drives me crazy and sometimes I feel so, so grateful for him being here. Teenagers :roll_eyes::joy::heart:
80 days clean time :heart:

Thanks so much guys (and gals) for your support!! :pray::four_leaf_clover: @siand @anon79808082 @Mno @TMAC @Matt @Thirdmonkey @Hailstrom @SassyRocks @vaariesga I appreciate it big time!

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And ofcourse thanks as well to @Phoebe @Fargesia_murielae @Lilemm
As I wasn’t allowed to tag that many people in my last post :wink::pray::four_leaf_clover:

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I’m happy for you Maartje. I see you. I see your sense of desperation on those times when you feel disconnected, misunderstood, alienated from others. But I also see someone who loves very sincerely and earnestly, like you do with your son. Life is complicated. But it’s ours: it’s our life. We live here, we have all the ups and downs and blessings and pain. We create our life, every day. And it is the most beautiful, tender, vulnerable thing.

Thanks for posting back & letting us know how you are. Take care love. You matter.

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I would love to have one, but I’m not sure an axe is the right way to go for me on a day like this :sweat_smile::joy:

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