On this day

4 years ago I almost ruined my families entire lives. My husband found me completely naked in our neighbours bed. All I can remember is waking up without a clue of what I had done or where I was. I quickly grabbed my clothes as my husband was yelling. He couldn’t understand how I could do that to him. He could have beaten us both. My neighbour and I deserved it. I wish he had because what came next what even worse. On his way out of the house he broke things, destroyed the door and then things went silent. I was terrified, I had no idea what he would do. You see, the night before we were drinking. A lot. Now at 5 in the morning he finds me like this, still hungover and so confused. After he left the house he threw an empty helium tank through the window and went on the break the glass in my neighbors truck. The police were called and he was arrested. That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. My husband is such a gentle, loving person, he’s not the kind of man who is ever on the wrong side of the law and it was all my fault because I’m an alcoholic.

The months that followed were horrible. My husband kicked me out, child’s aid got involved and took our daughter from us, and my husband was charged with property damage under 5k and possession of marijuana (the police illegally searched our house and found it in the basement). We went from being “functional alcoholics” to our lives being unmanageable and finally realizing how bad the drinking had gotten. My husband let me come home, I’m so lucky he wanted to reconcile. We had to go to court to fight children’s aid because they placed our daughter with my mother, over 2 hours away, and wouldn’t let us visit. She was only 2. She wasn’t allowed come home until days before Christmas. Once she was home we had weekly visits with a CAS worker for over a year. After we got her back we had to fight the other charges. When all was said and done we were already 20k under. It almost detroyed us. We had to cash in life insurance, RSPs etc. in order to pay for this. I single handily completely turned our lives upside down and inside out.

I’ll never forgive myself for hurting him. I’m so ashamed of myself and I have no idea how he could ever forgive me.

Since then we have managed to stay together and I think we’re happy. We’ve had another baby, bought a new house and we’ve been working at putting that awful experience behind us, but we’re still struggling with alcohol. We’ve been flip flopping back and forth of drinking or staying sober, and we both seem to feed off of each other. We’ll stop for months, then get back into it for a few weeks and stop again. It’s a terrible cycle. I relapsed two nights ago and spent the whole time crying and reliving the time I took a piece of my husband that I can never give back.

I’ve never shared this story before, only my family really knows what happened and how much we’re struggling. This time of year really brings up those feelings again, and you’d think that would be enough of a reason not to drink but it makes me want to more than ever. I feel so terrible and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself. It haunts me almost every day. I’m tired of living this cycle and letting alcohol take control of me time and time again. I’m trying so hard but I keep getting pulled back in. I’m exhausted, ashamed and feel like such a failure every day, but I’m still trying. Pushing through all the dark thoughts and trying to take it day by day.

I’m sorry this was so long. I really needed to share it. I’ve had it bottled up for years and it’s really weighing on me.

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You are so brave for writing that out and acknowledging it in this forum. :two_hearts:
I will pray for wisdom, strength and courage for you in your journey :two_hearts::two_hearts:

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I appreciate the share, and I can relate to quite a bit of it.

The I’ll never drink proposition is a daunting task for anyone, let alone an alcoholic. I find it much easier to just not drink today, and stay as present in the right now as I can.

1 foot in the future and and 1 foot in the past leads to shitting on your present, and your present is your gift of sobriety to yourself. Just open your present today and enjoy it.

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Thanks for sharing, it know it must be painful to tell and sometimes, a relief at the same time. I’ve had tumultuous times with my spouse that I’m not proud of, but it’s lead me to where I am today, and I am where I am supposed to be. I think thats true with all of us.

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Prayers for you and your family. The only way to move beyond, is to move forward. Focus on the fight in front of you: your sobriety. No looking back. Always forward. Forgive each other and forgive yourselves. Don’t let the past, which you can’t change, derail your future.

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Wow! That is a lot for one family to go through. I almost lost my marriage to drinking as well, but to also have your child taken from you would have been a breaking point for me. I am so happy you are here and have reached out to this community! You will find that many of us share similar experiences, we are all here for the same reason. I would urge you and your husband to choose sobriety and stick to it- you’ve already seen the rabbit hole with infinite depths that alcohol has to offer. Do it for you, and do it for your daughter. Have you guys ever been to AA or thought of trying a program? Have you been to marriage counseling? Or addictions counseling? All of those things helped me and my family. The guilt can be crushing at times, but I promise it serves a purpose. You guys need to work through what drinking actually does for you. I used to think it made me relax, more likable, allowed me to enjoy things more- but it’s all a lie- it actually did none of those things. It led to increased anxiety and depression, and physical dependence. Please keep us updated on your journey :blush:

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Thank you!

I agree with you! I seem to torture myself by reliving everything bad that has ever happened, or worrying about what’s going to happen next.

I’ll try to me more present.

It was hard to actually write it down and I avoided the app for the rest of the day. I know exactly what I need to do to be happy and I always seem to do the opposite. I’m trying so hard to change.

I say I can do it every time I stop and I actually mean it. All it takes is one bad day for my to give up completely. At this moment I have no idea how to dig myself out of this hole and start moving forward, but I’m still really trying

My husband never brings it up or used it against me in fights. I think he has forgiven me. It’s all in my head and how I feel about it. It really does haunt me all the time. I’ll be happy one minute then I’ll think about it randomly and it will completely derail my whole day. Every time we’re watching a show or movie that mentions cheating I tense up and have a panic attack.
We’ve gone to couples therapy but it was really helping. We’re both very private people and talking to a stranger about our problems was just making it worse. I tried some talk therapy alone too and it didn’t help.

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I completely agree with you! We’re trying really hard to work through this and we know exactly what alcohol does to our relationship and our lives. I’ve made lists, screen savers on my phone, a note in my wallet vowing I won’t drink etc and nothing seems to be working. :/:persevere:

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Thanks, Angie. I’m sorry, somehow I missed your response. Having PTSD could be why I’m having such a hard time with this. I’ve tried so hard to remember that night but all I know is what happened when I woke up and afterwards. I think I will look into getting help because obviously dealing with it myself hasn’t been working. I thought sharing this story about myself would help me in some way, but all it did was make me fall deeper into my self pity. I ended up relapsing that night because the gilt and shame got the better of me :pensive:

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