Once a Trainwreck...Always a....? This is my Life

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Hi everyone! Recently turned 32. I am pretty new to this and didn’t start responding to posts until last night. I have been really struggling and have been unsure about sharing my story. I read someone’s story last night and started thinking maybe it will make me feel better in some way to just go ahead and share…so here goes nothing. (I’ll try my best to not make this a novel so I apologize in advance).

I grew up in a Christian home…church every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, youth group after. Church every Wednesday night. Church camp every summer. I didnt have any say in the matter. It was “our house our rules”. I started drinking toward the end of high school amongst other things. At one point I asked my parents for help and guidance…I packed up over night and moved out the next day (age 18)…into the home of my bad influence of a bf.

6 mths later found out the bf was cheating…moved in with my gma. I graduated high school early and was accepted to the nursing program for college. After I made it through all the stuff for clearance, I started hiding bottles of liquor in my closet. I’d drink and study on repeat. I dated an alcoholic/abusive police officer from about 19 to 21. He got me in an even deeper hole. I dumped him when I ended up with 2 black eyes one night. (Shortly after, I passed my boards and officially became an RN). Daily drinking continued and worsened. I attempted to date and it wasnt working out. I got my first nursing job (I enough control to not risk my Licensure drinking before or during work). I became charge nurse. Soon after that, I became suicidal and was placed in a psych facility…my 3rd time in one. Not to mention I have been in ICU r/t suicide a time or 2. I finally ended up engaged to a wonderful man at some point…we were together about 3 yrs. I’d say at that point in my life I still liked to drink and get rowdy…but nothing like my life has been now. I called off a fully planned wedding about 6 yrs ago now. That’s when the worst started.

I started drinking everyday again. Very heavily. I had to have it. It had to be liquor. I craved it. Everyone in god knows how far of a radius around me of liquor stores knows my name and keeps a box of what they know I like behind the counter. At some point I quit using mixers and just kept the bottle next to me. Itd be the first thing I’d grab as I walked in the door. I quit getting the expensive stuff I like and started getting the biggest bottle of Grey Goose and Sailor Jerry Rum. I could finish the biggest bottle of each in 1 to 3 days on my own and not get a buzz, not have a hangover, and would take shots as soon as I woke if I wasnt working. I was with my most recent bf for 5 yrs. I still have no clue why, but he walked out on me with only the clothes on his back and one of the dogs about 9+ mths ago now. He was drinking worse than I was amongst other things. I wound up tackled and arrested by 3 officers in my own living room in front of one of my best friends…and handcuffed to a bed in the ER bc I was suicidal recently. I lost a job bc I cared more about staying home to drink…so I called in everyday till I was fired. I would sit on the couch for weeks at a time and not shower. On top of the drinking I have chronic health issues…i recently was in the ER 3x in a 2.5wk period. I found out my liver enzymes were terribly elevated and I had fatty liver. So what did I do? …I went home and upped my drinking game. I became very sick…and ended up just drinking and sleeping in the bathroom next to the toilet bc I was puking so much. I decided at midnight i was “done drinking”.

I have tried 2x before to quit and never made it past day 3. I struggle with admitting that I am an alcoholic. But there is no denying it. I am an alcoholic…and I am bawling my eyes out just allowing myself to even type that out. I set my goal for 7 days this time. The first 2wks were PURE HELL! I was constantly vomiting for 8 or 9 days. I had shakes, sweats, paranoia, hallucinations. When I started trying to eat I felt so sick I couldn’t handle it and started forcing myself to vomit. A doc called in a prescription for withdrawal symptom control. …At midnight tonight I will be completing day #37 and beginning #38. My true friends have been very supportive and encouraging. I have attended parties with groups of people that dont drink just to hang out with me. I have found that I do the WORST when I am alone. I just want to grab the bottle. And yes, I keep it where I can reach it bc I feel that if I can keep it there and not grab it…i am stronger than I thought I was! I have lost a lot of “friends” through all of this…ppl that dont believe I can do it, people that have laughed and said I would fail, and ppl that just flat out have told me I am a liar and I am still drinking and just telling ppl that I am not.

I am trying to focus on my positives to remind myself this is a GOOD THING FOR ME…A BLESSING!!! I just started a new job that I am really liking. I have started dating someone new. I have become closer to already close friends. I have been an RN for a little over 10 yrs now…I just found out I have been accepted to an RN to MSN-FNP (Family Nurse Practitioner) Program. I have lost 15lbs. However…my emotions have been a rollercoaster. I struggle with depression already, and quitting just makes it worse. I cry…A LOT. I am trying to get out and walk at least an hour when I can to clear my head. I almost gave in to the vodka last night but didnt. And tonight…well, tonight…the guy that most recently walked out on me just had to call…and my stupid ass had to answer. Now I am struggling again and I hate myself so much for it. I wish that it wasnt this hard.

I am happy to have found this app. It really is helping to keep me on a good path. Also, if you are the journaling type I would suggest downloading the app called 365Gratitude. It gives you a quote or a story and a mini writing assignment related to the post. You can log your mood and everyday list 3 things you are grateful for. …it has a few other neat options as well. It also has a “community” area somewhat like this chat runs.

But anyway. I apologize for making this post so long. But please…everyone keep posting! Good luck to all on your journey. You are not and will never be alone. :heart::heart::heart:

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Well hello Michelle!! Welcome!! Thank you for sharing. No it isn’t too long and it is just right. Mine was about that long as well and yes I cried as I typed too :heart: Then I read it over and over to remind myself of that pain. I think I reread it again just today. It’s a healing process luv. It’s not easy but we learn and do better each time. I can’t even tell you how many times I attempted to quit in the last 19 years! But each time I’ve learned something to make things right. Is there a particular reason why you feel suicidal, if you don’t mind me asking? Or do you think it’s just an overall depression? Well RNs are heros in my book and I thank you for all you do at work :heart: I’m so glad you’re here.

BTW you are only 12 days behind me :wink: I hit 50 today! We can do this :muscle::muscle::muscle:

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Hi! Aww thank you. Yes, i read mine over and over again just bawling like a baby before I posted it. I left a lot out that gets too personal. I know I dont ever want to feel like i did that first few weeks ever again. But I keep wanting to give into the temptation so badly anyway.

Honestly over all depression and I just never see myself as other people describe me. The way other people say they see me I wish I could see that person too. I’ve always had very low self esteem. I always seem to feel as if I’m a failure. I’m the black sheep of the family. My depression started far before my drinking did though. And then depression was a lot of the cause of the drinking and I’d do it to just hope i could forget things. Then downing a whole bottle in a night with no buzz at all…makes me feel so pathetic. Idk how I could just let myself go so far into a hole like that.

That’s so awesome! I’m happy for you!! You’ve got this! Please keep me updated if you have the time! My work days are crazy busy but I try to check in when I can and when I need a little motivation and whatnot.

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Hi Michelle, my god you are doing AWESOME!! I’m so very pleased for you, that’s really an achievement coming from where you were, alone and having given up on yourself on your bathroom floor. That’s a powerful image there. I can 100% relate to the hopelessness and absence of self esteem and the chaos you describe your life to have been. I have also struggled with depression for the majority of my life, self medicated with and eventually exacerbated by the drinking.

I will say two things I thought about while reading your story. One is you mention your upbringing, the churchy churchiness. Then it goes straight to drinking and leaving your family. Then it goes straight to the first bf, and many follow. One you don’t even know why he left you. Lots of suicide attempts. These things all cry out to me that at some point you will have to concern yourself with them, they seem inextricably linked to the drinking From my own experience I can tell you that the reasons why we drank are not gone but want to be finally looked at, resolved or dealt with in other ways when we learn to live life sober. I am going through this in analytical psychotherapy, my own reasons are becoming slowly more manifest and are very much still there, almost a year after I got sober. It can also be done through a program, AA or other.
The childhood, your relationship with your parents and the church. Then the boyfriends and what your role is in picking them, why your relationships turned the way they did, how come now there’s a great guy by your side in your early sobriety, all that. I suggest you take it easy with your new man, always always put your sobriety first. You have time to do this internal work, there is no rush. But it’ll be the corner stone of your recovery. :muscle:

Secondly, put that bottle of vodka away. There is no reason to have it. The strength you are “proving” to yourself by not drinking it is not real and will give you a false sense of security. Life will throw enough things and emotions your way you’ll naturally want to drink over, being an alcoholic, no reason to endanger your sobriety more on your own accord. Rather guard it and protect it with all your might! Hang out in s Barber Shop too long you’re bound to get a haircut.

Lastly, welcome welcome to this community! I hope you thrive and grow and become always better at this sobriety thing and I hope to read from you a lot! Continue what you’re doing! :sunny::two_hearts:

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I read your post Michelle and my heart goes out to you my friend. The struggle is real. Congratulations on your 38 days of sobriety. I know it’s not easy, but you are doing it. Proud of you for how far you’ve come on your own. Try to just focus on not drinking one day at a time, one hour at a time, even one breath at a time.
I did not see anything about attending Alcoholics Anonymous in your post. It might be something to look into… It could help with the incomprehensible demoralization and the emotional rollercoaster of chronic alcoholism. Time to get off the train. No need for any more derailments.
Talking Sober is a good place to start for alcoholics like us. Keep reaching out and stay connected, you will meet a lot of good people here that will have your best interest at heart. Try giving Alcoholics Anonymous a shot. It has worked wonders in my life. I am only alive today because of the miracles of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12-step program, my sponsor, and my higher power.
When the pain of change becomes less than the pain of staying the same we can begin to embrace recovery and all that goes with it, if we have the capacity to be willing and honest with ourselves. May you be blessed with the gift of desperation and willingness my friend. Wishing you peace and serenity on your journey in recovery and sobriety. :heart:

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Hi Faugxh! Thank you so much!

Yes, I still talk in therapy about all of my relationships…the things that happen to lead to my relationships…and how my depression even began in the first place. Right down to the drinking. There were even days my therapist started checking my cup bc she realized at one point all i was doing was basically paying her to empty my heart and soul and bawl my eyes out while i drank vodka in her office. The beginning of the depression is incredibly too deep and too personal to share here. At least for now. I do have a LOT to work through. But working on finding me and who I am again is what is most important to me right now. The new man falls nothing short of amazing thus far.I was introduced to him by some very close friends. I questioned if now was going to be a good time for dating…but I decided to take life where I feel its leading me and take it one day at a time. He is very supportive and understanding of what I am doing/going through.

Thank you again and thank you for the welcome. I hope to be posting a lot…fingers crossed more on a positive note side of things! :heart: I am heading to work now. Do you mind if I send you a message/PM later if I can figure out how to do so? I get off work a little early today to run by the vet then I will be home.

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Hi Jennajen! Thank you for the welcome.

I have skimmed them but not yet had chance to fully read them. I am about to head to work and I will be off a little early today and was planning to try taking a look at them again today then actually! Thank you for the suggestion!!

Yes it is! It is very helpful to me. And thank you again. I do appreciate it! Have a wonderful day!

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Good morning Edmund! I am not putting you off, I promise. I am heading out the door to work right now. I will be getting off a few hours early today and will read your reply and reply back to you when I am home. I hope you have a great day! :heart:

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Welcome Michelle. My name is Lisa and it’s nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds like you’re in a much better place now and we’re all here to support and help you stay in that good place. I look forward to following your journey. You should join us on the daily check in thread, it’s a great form of accountability. Here’s the link. Checking in daily to maintain focus #16

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Hi @IwillOVERCOME, wow, thanks for your reply! I’m very glad you’re already in therapy and “on it”, on what I meantioned re the reasons and understanding ourselves. Also: no need at all to post your super private and hurting things here for all to see, this is a safe space and you share what you want only, of course! :two_hearts:
The beginning of my therapy pretty much like yours slightly overlapped with my decision/opputunity to become sober, which I am eternally grateful for that plus I do not think this is total coincidence. I think that as soon as I knew I had my therapist and place with her “safe”, I was more ready to let go of the only thing I’d had before, the drink. Like you, I’ve sat in that office drunk on vodka at the start. Had to come clean on that to her. :grimacing: Chapeau to you though, even I didn’t have the boldness to BRING THE CUP WITH ME!! 🤦 :rofl: :scream:

feel free to message me anytime! I look forward to hearing from you.

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Hi Michelle and welcome to the community, I’m sure that you will already have been given some tips from the other absolutely awesome people that we have here but congratulations on taking that first step which is also probably the hardest one to take. I hope to see more of you around here.
Way to go on your 38 days also. :+1::+1::slight_smile::blush:

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Thank you for this. Your vulnerability is helping me. I’m on day 5 going into the long weekend. I had a big heart to heart with my daughter last night about my drinking and the alcoholism that runs rampant in my family. I can do this. Thank you for helping me with your story. :heart:

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Way to go! We do this one day at a time. Congrats on getting selected to your NP program. Like you, my drinking was always outside of clinic. But, my actions (a couple jailed weekends) made it a clear they needed to be involved. If you’re interested in what happens to an alcoholic provider in regards to Dept. Of Health and the other licensing bodies, just ask. Stick with this healthy, and way happier way of life. And, we have a place to help others heal too as this damn disease is everywhere. Hugs

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Hi Edmund. Thanks you for being patient for my reply. And thank you. Yes. It is. I personally honestly made the decision to avoid any type of AA meetings. I had to attend some through nursing school as a requirement for one of my courses and the idea of it just puts a bitter taste in my mouth. I know so many that it does and has helped though so by no means am I knocking it…i just feel like it’s not for me. Could that eventually change? It’s possible. But for now I hope to be ok trying to do this how I have been.

Thank you so much! I do wish the same for you as well! :heart:

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Hi @Lisa07! Its nice to meet you! Thank you for reading my story. Thank you for the support, it means so much to me.

Thank you for the link to the thread! I will take a look at it! :blush:

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Hi @anon13078412! Thank you! And yes, everyone has been so awesome on here. It is very helpful and comforting to know that there are so many people out there that truly care!
Thank you again! :heart:

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Hi Michelle, welcome and thank you for sharing. You will meet awesome people here with an endless well of information. I listen to recovery podcasts and come here when i struggle and i do the same when I’m doing good.

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Hi @Boodoo1234! Thanks for reading my story. I’m glad that it is helping you. I have my good days and I have my bad. I’m glad that you talked with your daughter about your struggles and how it has affected you and your family. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been. I commend you for that! You are welcome. I wish all the best for you on your journey. Feel free to message me any time if you need to. I am trying to get use to this chat thing! It’s very uplifting to read the replies! :heart:

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Hey @Smitty97! Thank you very much! I may just have to message you to hear more! :heart:

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Hey @CapriciousCapricorn! Thank you and thank you for the encouraging words! :heart:

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