Hi Michelle, my god you are doing AWESOME!! I’m so very pleased for you, that’s really an achievement coming from where you were, alone and having given up on yourself on your bathroom floor. That’s a powerful image there. I can 100% relate to the hopelessness and absence of self esteem and the chaos you describe your life to have been. I have also struggled with depression for the majority of my life, self medicated with and eventually exacerbated by the drinking.
I will say two things I thought about while reading your story. One is you mention your upbringing, the churchy churchiness. Then it goes straight to drinking and leaving your family. Then it goes straight to the first bf, and many follow. One you don’t even know why he left you. Lots of suicide attempts. These things all cry out to me that at some point you will have to concern yourself with them, they seem inextricably linked to the drinking From my own experience I can tell you that the reasons why we drank are not gone but want to be finally looked at, resolved or dealt with in other ways when we learn to live life sober. I am going through this in analytical psychotherapy, my own reasons are becoming slowly more manifest and are very much still there, almost a year after I got sober. It can also be done through a program, AA or other.
The childhood, your relationship with your parents and the church. Then the boyfriends and what your role is in picking them, why your relationships turned the way they did, how come now there’s a great guy by your side in your early sobriety, all that. I suggest you take it easy with your new man, always always put your sobriety first. You have time to do this internal work, there is no rush. But it’ll be the corner stone of your recovery.
Secondly, put that bottle of vodka away. There is no reason to have it. The strength you are “proving” to yourself by not drinking it is not real and will give you a false sense of security. Life will throw enough things and emotions your way you’ll naturally want to drink over, being an alcoholic, no reason to endanger your sobriety more on your own accord. Rather guard it and protect it with all your might! Hang out in s Barber Shop too long you’re bound to get a haircut.
Lastly, welcome welcome to this community! I hope you thrive and grow and become always better at this sobriety thing and I hope to read from you a lot! Continue what you’re doing!
I read your post Michelle and my heart goes out to you my friend. The struggle is real. Congratulations on your 38 days of sobriety. I know it’s not easy, but you are doing it. Proud of you for how far you’ve come on your own. Try to just focus on not drinking one day at a time, one hour at a time, even one breath at a time.
I did not see anything about attending Alcoholics Anonymous in your post. It might be something to look into… It could help with the incomprehensible demoralization and the emotional rollercoaster of chronic alcoholism. Time to get off the train. No need for any more derailments.
Talking Sober is a good place to start for alcoholics like us. Keep reaching out and stay connected, you will meet a lot of good people here that will have your best interest at heart. Try giving Alcoholics Anonymous a shot. It has worked wonders in my life. I am only alive today because of the miracles of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12-step program, my sponsor, and my higher power.
When the pain of change becomes less than the pain of staying the same we can begin to embrace recovery and all that goes with it, if we have the capacity to be willing and honest with ourselves. May you be blessed with the gift of desperation and willingness my friend. Wishing you peace and serenity on your journey in recovery and sobriety.
Yes, I still talk in therapy about all of my relationships…the things that happen to lead to my relationships…and how my depression even began in the first place. Right down to the drinking. There were even days my therapist started checking my cup bc she realized at one point all i was doing was basically paying her to empty my heart and soul and bawl my eyes out while i drank vodka in her office. The beginning of the depression is incredibly too deep and too personal to share here. At least for now. I do have a LOT to work through. But working on finding me and who I am again is what is most important to me right now. The new man falls nothing short of amazing thus far.I was introduced to him by some very close friends. I questioned if now was going to be a good time for dating…but I decided to take life where I feel its leading me and take it one day at a time. He is very supportive and understanding of what I am doing/going through.
Thank you again and thank you for the welcome. I hope to be posting a lot…fingers crossed more on a positive note side of things! I am heading to work now. Do you mind if I send you a message/PM later if I can figure out how to do so? I get off work a little early today to run by the vet then I will be home.
I have skimmed them but not yet had chance to fully read them. I am about to head to work and I will be off a little early today and was planning to try taking a look at them again today then actually! Thank you for the suggestion!!
Yes it is! It is very helpful to me. And thank you again. I do appreciate it! Have a wonderful day!
Good morning Edmund! I am not putting you off, I promise. I am heading out the door to work right now. I will be getting off a few hours early today and will read your reply and reply back to you when I am home. I hope you have a great day!
Welcome Michelle. My name is Lisa and it’s nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds like you’re in a much better place now and we’re all here to support and help you stay in that good place. I look forward to following your journey. You should join us on the daily check in thread, it’s a great form of accountability. Here’s the link. Checking in daily to maintain focus #16
Hi @IwillOVERCOME, wow, thanks for your reply! I’m very glad you’re already in therapy and “on it”, on what I meantioned re the reasons and understanding ourselves. Also: no need at all to post your super private and hurting things here for all to see, this is a safe space and you share what you want only, of course!
The beginning of my therapy pretty much like yours slightly overlapped with my decision/opputunity to become sober, which I am eternally grateful for that plus I do not think this is total coincidence. I think that as soon as I knew I had my therapist and place with her “safe”, I was more ready to let go of the only thing I’d had before, the drink. Like you, I’ve sat in that office drunk on vodka at the start. Had to come clean on that to her. Chapeau to you though, even I didn’t have the boldness to BRING THE CUP WITH ME!! 🤦
feel free to message me anytime! I look forward to hearing from you.
Hi Michelle and welcome to the community, I’m sure that you will already have been given some tips from the other absolutely awesome people that we have here but congratulations on taking that first step which is also probably the hardest one to take. I hope to see more of you around here.
Way to go on your 38 days also.
Thank you for this. Your vulnerability is helping me. I’m on day 5 going into the long weekend. I had a big heart to heart with my daughter last night about my drinking and the alcoholism that runs rampant in my family. I can do this. Thank you for helping me with your story.
Way to go! We do this one day at a time. Congrats on getting selected to your NP program. Like you, my drinking was always outside of clinic. But, my actions (a couple jailed weekends) made it a clear they needed to be involved. If you’re interested in what happens to an alcoholic provider in regards to Dept. Of Health and the other licensing bodies, just ask. Stick with this healthy, and way happier way of life. And, we have a place to help others heal too as this damn disease is everywhere. Hugs
Hi Edmund. Thanks you for being patient for my reply. And thank you. Yes. It is. I personally honestly made the decision to avoid any type of AA meetings. I had to attend some through nursing school as a requirement for one of my courses and the idea of it just puts a bitter taste in my mouth. I know so many that it does and has helped though so by no means am I knocking it…i just feel like it’s not for me. Could that eventually change? It’s possible. But for now I hope to be ok trying to do this how I have been.
Thank you so much! I do wish the same for you as well!
Hi @anon13078412! Thank you! And yes, everyone has been so awesome on here. It is very helpful and comforting to know that there are so many people out there that truly care!
Thank you again!
Hi Michelle, welcome and thank you for sharing. You will meet awesome people here with an endless well of information. I listen to recovery podcasts and come here when i struggle and i do the same when I’m doing good.
Hi @Boodoo1234! Thanks for reading my story. I’m glad that it is helping you. I have my good days and I have my bad. I’m glad that you talked with your daughter about your struggles and how it has affected you and your family. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been. I commend you for that! You are welcome. I wish all the best for you on your journey. Feel free to message me any time if you need to. I am trying to get use to this chat thing! It’s very uplifting to read the replies!
Hi @Dan531! Thank you for the welcome! Yes, I have been looking into podcasts and things here recently as well! Thank you for the tip! Good luck to you in every step of your journey!
Hello pal and welcome!
38 days is a long friggin time to stay sober for alcoholics like us.
Keep up the good work.
You got some great stuff from the forum. If I could just add one suggestion. One that I am sure that you will understand because of your profession.
My suggestion is for you to always remember that there is no cure for an alcoholic. Only remission through abstinence.
No amount of sober time will ever make us okay to drink again. No amount of time sober will ever make us be able to control and enjoy our drinking again.
I always bring this up to new people because we have seen literally countless people get a few days, or a few months or even a few years under their belt and then they decide they can drink again. That they were sober long enough. That they were cured!!
The result is always the same. They pick up right where they left off in a very short amount of time.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!!
but back to the positive. Lol.
You’re doing great.
Keep coming back!
Very valid point and I have actually had this conversation with a couple people I’m close with as they are now understanding why I have been acting odd and avoiding certain situations and whatnot. I am well aware that the minute I pick up that bottle I am royally fucking myself over. It sucks so bad that its like that. But it’s the honest truth. I know that I will struggle. And sadly, I’m pretty sure I will fail and give in at some point. But I’m trying to avoid thinking that way the best I can.
Chapeau to you though, even I didn’t have the boldness to BRING THE CUP WITH ME!! 🤦 
