One mess is enough

I’m divorced with a son, I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, but I don’t really know what would make someone one. What I do know is that I fucked up big time because of alcohol. After my divorce I fought to keep my relationship with my son and to be responsible for his needs, I fought in court for the time I have with him, I fought not to miss a day of work during an extremely agressive divorce, I fought to be a good father, I fought to take my son to places he would enjoy, to be strong for him, I never had a drink while he was with me, I believed that was enough.

But while I fought for those things, I forgot about myself, my own life, the only way I could manage every night, every weekend, alone, was by drinking and smoking. It seemed fine, we just came back from Disney World, he is doing great at school, my ex-wife was finally calming down. I told myself this is normal, this is life, is OK, you only drink and smoke weed when you are alone.

Last Friday my reality check happened, I got arrested for a DUI, spent the weekend in jail, I couldn’t pick up my son that Saturday, my ex-wife is upset and starting legal action against me to reduce my time with my son, I have court dates to worry about, hearings to attend, two lawyers. I already spent thousands of dollars with more to come. I have a criminal record now, one that could impact the amount of time I spend with my kid and my ability to fight for what I think is best for him.

One stupid, irresponsible, idiotic mistake and I undid years of blood and work, I’m back at square one… I can’t do this anymore, I can’t risk it anymore.

So I’m done, not a single drop more, not a single hit again, I will fight to get myself out of this hell but this time my idiocy won’t undo it, and maybe this time I will also develop a life for myself that doesn’t revolve around escaping my loneliness trough addictive behaviors.


Sorry for your troubles man. It’s ver apperent how much you love that kid.

It might help you in court to have some AA meetings under your belt. It would look good for the judge. You will prolly meet people that have been in very similar situations and can give you some advice. You can print a Court Card from the Internet and get it signed at the meeting so you can have documentation that you went.

This is just a thought man. I wish you all the best. My friend @C-sun may have some insight for you.

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Thanks to both, and for sharing your story in such detail C-sun. I live in Washington state, is supposed to be one of the harshest ones for DUIs but I don’t really know, what I do know is that refusing to blow is considered failing the test here and has repercussions that are equally bad but with an automatic license suspension, I was told the only time you should refuse to blow is when you are hammered badly.

I had never been arrested and was an idiot, I kept talking to the cop, having anxiety bursts, crying a bit, etc. The whole processes is dehumanizing, I was thinking about my son and all I was about to lose, and I suffer from big anxiety issues, but in the report the cop wrote that I was acting erratically… I called him sir all the time, explained I had anxiety and asked if it was OK to talk about something else to calm myself down, he said he didn’t care either way but proceeded to write it all down making me sound crazy drunk. Now I know better, but too late, they don’t treat you like a person and one shouldn’t expect a person on the other side, is all about distorting things to nail your conviction, the only option is to become a rock, keep it all inside and treat them like computers.

I don’t need to pretend I’m ashamed and sorry, I am probably to an unhealthy degree, friends have told me a mistake doesn’t define me but it feels otherwise, I can’t stop thinking I’m the biggest fuck up and a piece of shit. And this is hyperbolic, I know, is part of my anxiety, I just can’t get the idea out of my head no matter how much I rationalize it.

Unfortunately I’m a green card holder and can’t tell the court I’m an alcoholic, I would get in trouble when trying to get back in the country since it could get revoked based on mental health reasons… My ex and son are American and are not moving so it would destroy my life, and probably his.

It has been 6 days since I last had a drink and 7 since I smoked, and I don’t think I will again in my life, I suppose is a benefit of my anxiety, just the smell of alcohol makes me enter in panic mode. I think part of it is that I had no idea how things worked here, I have been living in the US for 10 years but never got to learn what to expect and how to behave when arrested, and it was shocking. Jail was both frightening and enlightening, I had no idea how psychological it can get, there has to be a better way to deal with these sociatal issues, I can’t imagine how someone could get better after spending years there, I don’t treat a dog the way I was treated, and I’m sure I had it easy compared to other inmates.

I really appreciate you sharing your experience, it gives me hope. I’m struggling quite a lot with patience, weed is legal here which I was using for my anxiety since the prescription drugs messed up with my memory, but now that I’m not taking a thing I’m having a hard time trying to find other ways to deal with it. Monday I spent a couple hours running and the next day my legs hurt so badly I was limping, but at least kept my mind occupied with something else.

I haven’t had cravings, but I have felt the need for weed to calm down, is hard to be worried all the time and today I was kind of an asshole at work which is not good, I have little tolerance for office politics bullshit while dealing with this.

On a positive note I got to deliver a hand written love letter a guy gave me before I was released, he still had 5 years to go, and the look in the eyes of the woman after reading it was priceless, at least I got to do something nice for someone out of this mess.

Thanks again to both of you.

Just a guy. You made a mistake. Some of us have to hit rock bottom before we can make that change. I told my son just a little over 4 years ago when he was 7 that I could not drink anymore. I told him the truth that I did stupid things when I drank (not details) and I told him I wanted to be a better person. I talked to him and told him that was not going to be easy for me and that I was going to have bad days. I tear up every time I tell this story. My son looked at me and said dad if you ever need to talk I’m here for you too. You made a mistake but own it. Teach you son accountability. People can make mistakes and that mistake does not define you as a person how you learn from it does. You cannot change what happened but you can do so many positive things from here that your son will be proud of. You are quitting drinking have have done so 7 days. One day at a time. Work on finding support. I have leaned on many people on this site. I got drunk 4 years and 12 days ago and made out with my neighbors wife. The incident was no more than 10 minutes long and it got a little orally sexual. It was my rock bottom. Her husband found out and I had to tell my wife. I quit drinking and turned my life around but at this time I’m going through a separation. My wife told me last year that she doesn’t love me anymore and is not sure if she ever truly did. I tried everything to get her back including going out to dinner and having a few drinks with just her. I drank 4 times that is why my counter is 87 days. I’m not that person anymore. I cannot give up who I am now and disappoint myself or my sons by drinking again. I’m telling you this story because people like Gabe have helped me through some really tough days. I’m stronger now because I’m not afraid to ask for help. The problems that you are facing are a lot at one time and looking at the big picture gets overwhelming. It is one day one step one challenge at a time. Use your resources ask for help and be honest. You can do this and you will get through this. I’m glad you are here.