im one month sober off pretty much everything except for nicotine. i went from daily use for two years straight to nothing.
the reason i went sober is because i tried to end my own life drunk driving with the girl i would use with. i lost complete awareness and control of what i was doing and impulsively rammed us into a fence. we were both pretty sore and bruised up, but overall no terrible injuries. in the ER i realized i couldn’t keep going on with this lifestyle. i couldve killed my best friend. i checked myself into inpatient and over 8 days started to rebuild my life.
ive never really been one to open up about anything, which is why i think it got so bad. im freshly 18, and im sure my mom hearing that i was on hard drugs, i tried to kill myself, and that i put someone else at risk must have just destroyed her. she had always told me that she’d support me no matter what, but i think it was easier for both of us to ignore all the signs that im unwell. throughout my entire life, i always had good grades, a decent social life, higher classes, internships, pretty much everything a mom could want for her daughter. additionally, my brother is the exact opposite of me. having to navigate his extreme depression and learning to understanding his autisim diagnosis, it makes sense why it was easier to ignore the scars on my wrists and the smell of my clothes.
since then, ive been prescribed ssri’s and started to recieve the help and support ive needed from my mom and so many others.
the parts im struggling with is how different everything is. drugs werent just a past time to me, it was my life. my days consistented of sparking up, going to school, getting drunk, getting money from deals, spending that money on drugs for myself, then going home to rail lines and take whatever other stimulants i had on hand, before hitting my cart and going to bed or taking more stimulants to stay up all night, then doing the exact same the day after.
im not scared of relapse or falling back into old habits, i know i wont. ive committed myself to staying sober as long as my sobriety can affect those around me, but its so hard when im all alone in my room at night knowing how much ive cost everyone else and all the people ive had to lose in order to protect my sobriety. along with that, i lack the motivation to get up and do anything, i cant even put myself in the mindset of faking wellness in order to draw something or make a meal.
ive come so far, but part of me wonders if everyone around me would be better off if i had never crashed and they just got to live in ignorance of my problems. i was so insanely lucky to have not gotten me or my ex friend hurt, my plug money paid for the ticket, and i even got my license back today. part of me thinks that i should have been punished more for what i did, but another part is just so thankful that i get a second chance at life and can be honest with myself and others to live the life i want, even though i had to stop talking to the girl in the car with me and some of my other friends who continue to use. i just wish there was some direction in all of this and to know if everything will actually get better
