I have a friend… 2 actually. I moved to this city and at one point they were both my best friends. Now one I can’t stand hanging out with because he bothers me so much and and has no awareness of his surroundings. I always feel so guilty because he was there for me when I had no friends so I keep on giving one more chance and hanging out, bringing other people as a buffer, but I really don’t enjoy being around him anymore. Last time we all hung out he got too drunk and was talking my ear off about nonsense and telling me how much he loves me and that was the final straw.
My friend who is a girl is prob one of my best friends but after hanging out with her last night I feel so fucking depressed. And last time I had seen her I was sent into a mental breakdown. She triggers feelings of mania and she doesn’t respect boundaries I have with one of them being time.
I’m someone who is super OCD about timing and arriving early. Early is on time and on time is late. If I say I will meet you at sometime I will meet you at the time or let you know far in advance if I can’t.
She shows up late to everything or doesn’t show up and she always wants to give me rides and hang out and promises we won’t be late to meetings or what not and we always are. Giving me terrible anxiety.
I don’t want to hang out with either of them anymore, but I still love and care deeply for them… I’ve never really navigated this and don’t know how to explain or if I should just pretend like everything is fine and keep it moving.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I honestly think breaking up with friends is harder than with a signifcant other. In the past I have broken up with a friend using the pathetic method of “ghosting”.
But ultimately, if these people are not good for you then you have to do what is best for you. You can’t continue a relationship just because you feel you should.
I am with Sue on this and yes, have wimped out and ghosted a friend in the past. Relationships change over time and that is okay. If they are not a value add to your life; if, in fact, they bring you way down or to mania, it is 100% okay to take care of your self and not hang out with them. You need to put your mental health first and foremost.
It is okay to let go of what no longer serves you and that includes friendships.
Ghosting seems like the only option! But it’s weird when they tell me they miss me and want to hang out… do I say something?
Well, being honest and direct is good and keeps everyone informed. But that can be hard to do if it triggers our mental health issues. It doesn’t sound like those would be easy conversations for you.
Are you feeling like you can have those conversations? If not, then it is okay to just say you are busy.
When I checked myself into the rehab back in Sept., I came to 1 undeniable Truth. That Truth was that basically all of my good friends, friends and associates drank and drugged. Once I accepted that, I decided to delete them from my life basically. Other’s here call it Ghosting. I don’t look at it that way. I call em, Useless. Harsh? Nah… They’ll get over it. Trust me ^.^
I forgot to add that I’ve been keeping to myself since. The only people I talk to are my mother, two sister’s, a jamaican I give a ride to work, another coworker of mine and my supervisor. I do keep in touch with a close childhood friend of mine who is absolutely elated that I finally chose sobriety. I’ve even met a woman. Everyone I meet with now, will be nothing but positive, influential people. No more sad stories for this guy.
I will be 52 in January and was ghosted just last week - it’s super weird. After a few months of hanging out platonically, visits over coffee, occasional lunches, random texts here and there then nothing. We were to get together for coffee, “I’ll text you later” then crickets. Just gonna move on, not going to waste the energy trying to figure it out but strange nevertheless.
Should you pretend? Well, do you want an honest life or a dishonest life? That is the real question.
In my experience, guilt is not a reason to keep a relationship.
You have identified guilt, triggers, and disrespect.
You have choices about the type of people you allow into your life.