I spent a week in inpatient and it really helped. However since returning back to my everyday life things are as stressful as ever.
I ran into my ex today. She was out for Halloween and trick or treating with her younger cousin and i was handing out candy. She said hi, we talked for a bit, she hugged me and they left.
I dont know how she can talk to me and act as if she never hurt me. She used to hit me, she strangled me once, coerced me into sex, and all of a sudden she says hi like that awful shit never happened. Im too scared to confront her ever but why.
Im just overwhelmed i guess. Seeing her again was a lot and its hard. Part of me wants to forgive her and get over it, but the other part of me is still so hurt and idk what to do about that.
I saw a substance abuse counselor today. She was very helpful and pointed me to some great resources. I am gonna be making a lot of phone calls pretty soon.
Anyhow thats my life. Thanks for reading my ramblings guys.
I’m sorry but you need to work on this with your therapist, I won’t sugar coat this – she hurt you physically and mentally yet you stand and chat to her and now your saying that part of you wanted to forgive her and get back together… You shared a few weeks ago about someone from your past who sexually abused you as a child yet this one person was also nice to you which led to you tm thinking fondly of her. I’m am sorry for bringing these things up but I can’t see how your meant to start feeling good about yourself and move forward, to do this you will need to leave these people and events behind, I honestly can’t see that happening whilst you’re harbouring which unhealthy emotions towards these let’s face it they are scumbags.
Do you understand where I’m coming from? My intention was not to offend you.
Just keep going. You can’t change the past. Nothing you say or do is going to change what happened or her. Right now you need to be selfish and focus on staying clean and sober no matter what it takes. You are worth a clean and sober life.
I think I understand. I need to remember that just because someone was nice to me once does not excuse the shit they put me through. I deserve so much better than the lies they called love. Its unhealthy to have these attachments to abusers, and as helpful as they may have been in the past to help me survive they are no longer useful and are causing more harm than good.
That’s exactly what I meant though you put it much more eloquently, do you have a therapist? I’m certainly no expert but it seems like you need to work on coming to terms with what these energy’s u just actually were.
I do have a therapist, i should probably see them more often than i do tho
My first thought after reading that was why would she go to your place for trick or treating after doing such awful things to you. It seems like she’s still trying to eff with you. I’m proud of you Jay for reaching out; here and in your circle of support.
People who commit domestic violence rarely stop. To them, abusing and terrorizing their victims makes them feel invulnerable. Acting nice when they see their victims is a way for them to try and get them to lower their guard so they can victimize them all over again. From what I read from your post, you need keep your distance. Please don’t fall for the wolf in sheep’s clothing act.
Yeah i don’t seek her out, or go out of my way, i ignore her if its only me and her but i engage in small talk if there are other people such as her brother who i dont mind. I do my best to avoid her
Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Abusers are manipulative and after we have been subject to repeated trauma, our minds get messed by them. We confuse what love and caring are with abuse. So we do need to be careful until we get confident and especially around them. Love does not involve non consensual physical harm. Love does not involve mental manipulation and abuse.
It sounds like you know the score. More time with a therapist after trauma is always good to help rewire our brains. Glad you are well and safe.