Over 14 months. Yet, i really feel like i have nothing more to live for. I did what every one said couldn’t be done and conquered my alocohol addiction. Yet, now everyday draws regret. Every morning brings more more supression into myself wearing a fake smile while i am really dying inside. Every breath i draw seems wasted on myself to where the oxygen i ibhale should go to someone more deserving of it. I am a completely empty shell anymore. Every night before i attemlt to drift off to sleep, I ask God to give me a sign to show me something in life thats worth going after. I sacrificed everything get rehabilitation for my addiction. Now that i am out, i am stuck at my exs moms house with no where else to go. No way to try and build myself up to get on my own feet neither. In just a fews days, my ex of 6 years and still wants nothing to do with me will give birth to her first child. And, i really do not know if I can continue the constant torture of killing myself more and mkre on a daily basis anymore. Biting my tongue, surpressing my emotions, and trying to make everyone else happy… I mean, after every prayer i make each night., i lower my head, as I am now. And, as i ease of to sleep, the thoughts of finally going home up above seem just that more welcoming. Being able to be away from this torment, and, being able to finally see my mother and father again. Being able to feel they’re embrace and to see they’re smiling faces as they welcome home they’re son sober for once after all this time of struggling with drinking. I don’t know… Maybe i am just cursed? Maybr, I am destined for constant torture for my actions in the past? Maybe, i might just being signaled that the time is sooner than i thiught it was. All i know js that i really do not feel nor see a reason to keep carrying on anymore. Feel like wasted space… Anyway, thank you all for the support over the last few months. I have had a great time experiencing it with you. Also, thanks for all the love.
You’ve got plenty to live for and you’re going to do great things I’m positive of that. I think if you rethink your situation you might find an opportunity to get yourself right! If you need to talk or vent you can hmu, good luck and I hope you get some help and feel better!
And as the sun rises on another day, your still here and God is telling you that you are not done yet, sometimes we can’t wait for something to come our way we have to take a risk, I moved from Wales to England on a whim, a snap decision made in a phone call, packed a bag for a few days and now I’ve been here 9 years… Do something out of the ordinary, spontaneous and where there’s a will there’s a way. YOU ARE NOT DONE YET!!!
I’ve been in a place like that. Not your specific situation, but the “my life is so unbelievably screwed up and I can’t find reasons anymore to keep going” part. Even took action on that more than once. Just recently I actually started to struggle again with those thoughts again, though now the manifestation is different and I’m not quite as deep into it at this time.
There’s so much potential and uncertainty in a day. Something amazing could happen to you, or you could make something amazing happen to you, day by day. It might be explosive or grow piece by piece, but you can do and experience great things with time. Life is 10% what happens and 90% what you choose to do about it. Sounds like life is giving you a load of crap for that 10% right now, but you get to write the rest of the story.
When we are depressed, everything seems awful (understatement of the year), because we’ve been going through awful stuff and we don’t want to waste the little energy we have left on something else that could also turn out awful. But what about the flip side? The more awful it is where you are, the more possibility for your situation to improve.
Since it’s tough to contemplate a good future from where you are, maybe you could consider the practice of kaizen. Put simply, it is going about things focusing on continuous improvement. Not setting out to solve everything, but each day you identify at least one thing in your power to improve in your life, however small, and change that one thing for the better. Maybe you would enjoy having your bed arranged to face a different direction, or start to take 2 minutes of fresh outside air when you wake up, or tell someone how you feel about a behaviour of theirs that bothers you and collaborate on a solution. On their own the improvements don’t change much, but cumulatively they have a big impact. It gives you a reason to go about your day, and it gives hope that your life will improve over time.
These are ideas I work with in my own mental health, but honestly in my case I’ve needed to work with professionals too to work through big emotional storms like this. Don’t know about you, but if it’s an option I’d explore the idea.
You need to find a way to leave that toxic living situation you are in at your ex’s mothers house, that’s half the problem right there! Get a job, save money and rent a room somewhere else ASAP! There’s no need for you to be around your pregnant ex or her mother, way too toxic for you. Change your environment and your outlook on life will change for the better. But you have to get in gear and get into ACTION! You don’t need to be suffering so much, you are worth every breath of life - you are a miracle! Now go and create more miracles! Help yourself and then help others!
These exact feelings are similar to feelings I have (well had). They are also the exact reason why I go to AA and work the 12 steps. It’s never too late to start going to meetings.
Oh Steven, hugs to you! How long have you been out of rehab? Do you have any way to work toward changing your living situation? You are certainly not destined to be tortured, we are not meant to live that way. But it’s clear there are changes that need to happen because that situation isn’t a good place for you and I’m sorry that you feel there is only one way out of it all at times. You are truly worthy of a happy sober life! Do you have a professional you can talk to about this to help? Any meetings you can attend to find a new focus and see if anyone there has alternate resource ideas to change your living situation? There may be a new door that opens for you, but you have to keep knocking to find it. I hope you find what you need my friend, keep looking for the positives and keep your mind there as much as you can in the mean time-that’s usually where the magic starts. 
My advice: stop looking behind you. Stop looking above you. Look down at your feet. Get them moving. Look up ahead, and keep moving. Take who you are in this moment, and move you to the next waypoint on your journey.
Want to feel better about yourself? Help someone. Someone who has a tougher go than you do. Also, pick one thing you want to be better at, and become better at it. Learn a language or dance the tango. Become a painter or poet.
Life is about growth. It’s about becoming the best you that you can be. So get after it.
What happened to this feeling? Just keep asking for the signs and keep your eyes open, tunnel vision will often obscure our vision of the beauty in front of us.