Overwhelmed by guilt of being alive

I literally lost count of how many people I lost due to their inner war against this sickness. 7 days ago, yet a 29 year old guy (Matin Sherzaman) experienced his heart beat for the last time in his life…
If I wrote all the times (and how) I nearly or actually died since I was 10, y’all think I’m reciting action-movies… What drowns my eyes is the thought of why did I get to survive so many times and some doesn’t even get a chance?
The 28th December 2019 my fiance and best friend died… In 7 days I’m going attend a party as a waiter serving his family, as he, who btw is younger than me lies in the grave. Am I the only one who feels more guilt than pride mentioning that I’m doing good? Doing bad? Or just not doing anything? Because no matter what I do, the thought will return on him who lies in the ground and don’t get the oppurtunity to anything again.
How do I get ride of this fucking guilt?

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I’m very sorry for all the losses you experienced in your life Daria. I don’t know why some survive and others die. Feeling guilty is natural and logical but it is counterproductive. Part of it is luck. But another part is our own work. We can’t know why or how happens what happens.
We are here though. What we can do and be is the best we can do and be the best we can be. Use our lives as good as possible. Live our lives as good as possible. You serving at your fiance’s family’s party seems like a good example of you doing good. Staying sober and clean is us doing good.
We’re here now. We’re alive. I have no idea why. But I’m doing my best to make the best of it. To better myself. To help others. For as long as I am given. I’m glad you’re here. Means that I am less alone. Hugs.

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You’re not alone, survivor’s guilt is real and natural.
A book that may help you with that: The choice by Dr. Edith Eger.

a short talk by her:

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Guilt of being alive after a loss of a loved one. That could be unprocessed sorrow. Quite natural. What I know from experiences of others is that being in active addiction stops you from processing such sorrow.
Once we get sober we’re left to deal with these emotions. If we didn’t learn how to cope with emotions before we got addicted, we’re left with no choice but to start learning as we sober up.
I’ve found that talking with people who share the same experiences has been really helpful in learning to deal with these emotions.

One day at a time.

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I’m so sorry for your losses and for all that you have been through. I have no advice, as I too struggle with this guilt every now and again. But I want you to know that you are not alone in this. I hope you manage to find some peace. No one knows why some die and some survive, it makes 0 sense. But you are here, we ARE here! We get the chance to actually live another day. I hear you and I understand :pensive: :pray:t2::two_hearts:

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