Parenting a special needs adult

Background from the beginning: my son was diagnosed with autism & dyspraxia when he was 7, he is now 20. His dad left shortly after the diagnosis for unrelated issues, he’d had an affair, we tried to rebuilt, it didn’t work.
I’ve spent the next 10+ years pushing my son to become more independent, self sufficient, self reliant, confident, happy within himself, etc…
After my dad passed away I drank heavily & my son who was almost an adult at that time was very well capable of looking after himself. He makes his own food, washes his own clothes, does grocery shopping, makes his own appointments. Anyhow I was grieving & drinking, it’s not that I stopped pushing him it’s just that I was deep in grief & self medicating with alcohol.
My son left school after getting good enough grades to go to uni, he took a year out to sit at home & play video games, he’s starting uni next week. Since before he left school I’ve been nagging him to get a job. It’s all been “this is my last summer before I HAVE to become an adult”, “I took a year out to relax”, “I’m not getting a job during Covid” (I have a job, I pay for EVERYTHING, it’s just the two of us) Now he’s saying “uni will be hard, I won’t cope with a part time job or a weekend job”. He’s not even trying. It’s irritating the shit out of me.
I don’t know if I wasn’t as bothered while I was drinking or it didn’t matter because he was younger.
I’ll never kick him out, never let him go hungry. I stopped giving him pocket money a long time ago in the hopes he’ll get a job. I’m threatening him with rent but he knows I know he hasn’t got it.
I just want to scream at him.
He does a little bit of housework now & then but only when I tell him too. Most of the time he doesn’t finish the very short list.
I work in a fast food restaurant, I really enjoy it, it’s very physical work, it’s just above minimum wage. Then I come home exhausted to a messy house & this man-child who won’t get off his arse & get a job. I’m so proud of him getting into uni but I’ve worked very hard to get him where he is now. I work very hard to provide for our home. I’m exhausted all the time & I can’t drink to rid myself of irritation or to relax after a long, stressful day. I get so angry & annoyed sometimes I want to cry. I didn’t raise him to live off someone or to be lazy.
I need advice, help, reassurance, anything. I honestly don’t know what to do with him.

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When he goes to uni, will he move out or attend in your town and stay living at home? It seems the cleanest way would be to re-enforce that he has to contribute financially now that he’s a grown up. Set a rent.
Also, maybe it would be good to lay out that if he stays on living there, you’ll be housemates. You’re not mother and son regarding your living situation, but both have to contribute, just like he would have to in a dorm or shared student house. That means: chores get done equally. Make a plan for each person’s responsibilities in the household. Write it down, pin it on the fridge. Name specific days when things need to get done, to help with organisation. And stick to it.
If it doesn’t work, he needs to move out and fend for himself. He’ll learn this way. :crossed_fingers:
If it’s any consolation, it sounds like what your son is going through and you with him are very normal problems in this intermediate time of not quite childhood anymore but reluctant to be a grown-up. This will always be a challenging time for any family. Kudos for all the hard work you have and are putting in! You seem like a real power lady! :sparkles::sparkles::sparkles:

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Ahhhhh, I feel this whole post.

I have no suggestions for you I just want you to know that I feel you on a deep level.

My daughter is on the spectrum and although she is in Grade 10 I feel the same way you do. Just yesterday I had a conversation with her about emptying the garbage when she sees that it is full. I do believe that because of the ADHD non preferred tasks don’t really register with her brain. She claims not to see things like the dishes waiting to be put away…
Somedays I get very frustrated but I quickly turn my frustration around on those days and I get filled with gratitude. Grateful that she is verbal, that she is doing as well as she is, that we get along as well as we do.
My cousin has a beautiful little girl with an extra chromosome, I have learned something very valuable from watching this little one grow up. Her motto is “on my own time mum”, so far that has been how it has gone with my child too. In some ways she is MILES beyond her age yet in others she is quite a bit behind. She eventually gets there and I just try to remember that she is living her story not “her story how I think she should be living it”.

Just know you aren’t alone, and it sounds like you are doing a great job parenting him. It’s really hard work, if you ever need a chat my DM is always open.

:orange_heart:

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I’m going to give you reassurance mom… you have done a great job :heart: Raising a son on your own on the spectrum is not easy. You’ve done well. I am a Special Education teacher and although I do not have a child on the spectrum at home, I can tell you maybe a bit from my perspective. Take it with a grain of salt if you like. You worked very hard to encourage him to be independent and self sufficient. Success :slightly_smiling_face: Now treat him that way. How would you treat a son with the same circumstances not on the spectrum? That’s what needs to be done. Lists are great but agreed circumstances to falling short on the list would be a great conversation to start with. Paying for internet in the house? End it. But don’t make it a surprise, pre-agree on it. It’s kind of hard to play video games without it. Etc. You’re a good Mom. I think you know what’s best at the end if the day :heart::hugs: sending you strength :pray:

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my oldest son has Dyspraxia just on the Autism spectrum he was diagnosed about same as your son , hes 26 next week . he has a HGV truck licence and all his cert for his work he is a weed control operator makes good money has his own gym in the garage plays American football for a local team nice car he quite independent dosnt drink or smoke so does his younger brother dont know if thats because i dont drink they never seen me drink their mother has a glass of wine about twice a year . hes sometimes with his stats and information traits is a pain but we love the big guy wish you well

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