Partner that drinks

[Kiwikelly]

Tonight I am 62 days clean from alcohol. My partner of 23 years and father of my children 19 and 25 still drinks a lot at least a box of beer (15) every couple of nights. I do love him but I feel really trapped. He cooks dinner when he’s drunk and is always a really happy drunk - not so much sober - he gets depressed. He is someone I could trust with my life. But when I smell his breath it reminds me of my alcoholic father (abusive). I don’t know what I’m trying to do or say here but I feel
Isolated , sad , and even writing this like I am betraying him.

[SoberWalker]

Hi Kelly,
I understand that is very difficult. There is a very active and good tread up here about being sober and having a drinking ore using partner and I’m going to tag you in it. I do not know how to put a link to that tread up here.
But you will be tagged so you will be in it soon!!

[SoberWalker]

Done!

And forgot to say: welcome here!

[Dan531]

Welcome Kelly. Below is a thread started I think will serve you well.

Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

Have you been affected by someone else’s drinking or them doing drugs? I have. We may be parents, children, spouses, partners, brothers, sisters, other family members, or friends, of alcoholics or drug addicts. No matter what our specific experience has been we share a common bond: we feel our lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking. I have been wanting to start an Al-Anonish type topic here ever since I joined Sober Time and TS. This is not Al-Anon. I do highly recommend Al-Anon …

You are not betraying your spouse by expressing your feelings here. It’s unhealthy to hold that stuff in. Best wishes, I’m glad you’re here.

[SassyRocks]

Welcome. I understand how you feel. My husband still drinks and like yours cooks dinner. He is a pretty functional drinker (as much as one actually can be). I love him. And I understand he has a very real problem with alcohol.

You are not betraying him by having your own feelings. Nor are you betraying by seeking sobriety. It is confusing with a spouse who still drinks, so please be gentle with yourself.

One of the things I had to learn early on and that really helped me a lot, was to separate my self, my journey and my (not) drinking from my husband and his journey and his drinking. I am doing this first and foremost for me and my health of body mind and spirit. It seems almost selfish, but in reality, we can only control our selves and our own actions and lives, we make our own choices and others make theirs. Where we are at in life, they may not be there and maybe they will get there and maybe not.

For me, it was so important to honor and care for my self first. And to focus on today and being sober today. Also to appreciate my husband for who he is and where he is at. He is not perfect, neither am I. As time has gone on, we have a lot more discussions about sobriety and drinking, but he still drinks and I still don’t. It isn’t what I wish, but it is what is. He is still a good man and father. Every marriage is different and only you know the heart of your marriage and how it serves you. And yes, sobriety will change your marriage and your feelings and that too is okay.

For me, I focus on my sobriety and what I can control. I take each day as it comes. This is a good place to find support with people who understand your situation. You can love someone who still drinks, you can also feel sad and isolated. All your feelings are valid. I am glad you are here. And big congrats on your 62 days!! That is fantastic!!

[Chiron]

Welcome to the community. I also recommend checking out the thread others have mentioned to you.

In addition to the wonderful advise you’ve already been given, I would just say that if you have access to Psychology services (not psychiatry), this may be a useful tool for you in helping you process and work through some of your thoughts and feelings.