Day 12 - I am confident I won’t drink, but damn I’m exhausted today.
My partner has just recovered from cancer, a particularly nasty skin cancer that’s left his leg horribly ulcerated.
Obviously, he’s depressed.
But his moods have been so up and down recently, I am permanently exhausted. I don’t know whether I’ll catch him happy, sad, furious.
I’m just wondering if anyone has been through something similar? Sobriety feels a lot harder with someone who has mental health problems or who has complex medical needs.
Does that sound selfish? I think that’s the problem. My other half has been through hell and I’m bottling up a lot of resentment and exhaustion because, at the end of the day, his needs rightly come before mine right now.
It’s just hard sucking it up sometimes. This is mostly a moan I want to get it out here instead of having a mini break down.
well you hang tough I know you’re going through a lot but I’m glad you’re staying sober sounds like you have your hands full but you’re being very supportive you turn to the right place for help not me particularly but the right for him.
I understand. My drinking became completely out of control when my husband of four months was diagnosed with cancer. For the next five years, life was a series of surgeries, chemotherapy, and hospital stays. His needs did come before mine. They had to in order for him to live - and yet I carried some resentment. I just didn’t have the tools to deal with it.
Looking back, I see how much better I would have handled it had I been sober. Being depressed, anxious, and hungover made a horrible situation exponentially worse.
I wish I had great words of advice. What I can say is that your partner’s moods will probably even out with time. You are both going through huge changes. Would couples counseling be a possibility?
Don’t feel selfish taking care of your mental, emotional, physical health… And of course your sobriety… That’s a hard position to be in, for both of you.
I completely understand. My fiance was in jail for four months whilst everyone else and I had to hold things down out here. During those four months I quit prescription drugs and drinking. Finally delt with my depression to get myself to the place I needed to be. Now that he is out his moods are all over the place as well. I feel like my feelings it going on the back burner because he’s had to deal with being in jail. But the constant negativy is killing me. Feeling like he can’t see past his own nose. I love him but am beyond frustrated.
Different situation but I can relate. My husband was shot in Afghanistan on his third deployment and for two years his recovery was our number one priority. Numerous Surgeries, medications, ptsd, counseling, drs appointments, therapy, etc. during this time I became a caretaker and not a wife, I was his nurse, receptionist, cook, maid, pharmacist, confit, strength, rock and a mother to our kids. I was not myself I was what I had to be for all of us to survive.
“My emotions are how I feel not who I am.” You feel selfish for having resentment but you are not a selfish or resentful person! It is not him you are upset with it’s the hand you were both dealt. Basically you are grieving the loss of life you once had. You both will not ever be the same- life will not go back to the way it was and there’s a sense of loss. How could you both be the same after this?! Doesn’t mean it won’t be wonderful and beautiful again its just not what either of you had in mind for your future. You have to feel it, be mad, be sad, frustrated everything. Do not lose yourself in this - easier said than done but make sure your self care is a number one priority as well.
Hang in there I hear you sending lots of love and hugs ️
@Ashleigh it’s very challenging to go through that experience. Prayers for a full recovery for your partner.
I remember when I was in a relationship, I would mirror my partner’s mood all the time and would do everything I could to keep her happy. She had some mental health challenges so yes, it was hard to know how she’ll react so I felt like I was always walking on egg shells. When I realized how I was relying on her mood to keep up my own, I realized I needed to differentiate a bit and find my own support elsewhere, even for an hour.
As I found someone mention online, self care isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity.
What helps you ground yourself? And thanks for sharing and being open
Yes im trying to he sober and my boyfriend has been off work with depression for 5 months. Im at work now so got to keep it short. But i know what your going through. Just wamt the black cloud to lift.
Deffo. I think the comment earlier about things not being the same…
In many ways we are both grieving the life we had before the cancer diagnosis. There are things we can’t do anymore (walks, physical activities, long nights out), and there’s a bit of nostalgia and wishing things would be different OR just a bit easier sometimes.
I feel like we are slowly adjusting and letting go of that woulda coulda shoulda stuff, but it’s a process!
I want to get it out here instead of having a mini break down.
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