Hey TS friends!
I am 6 months sober today. I’m not particularly into milestones, but this one means a lot to me because I feel “back on track”. Last time I relapsed shortly before reaching 6 months. I know this kind of mindset is not encouraged and past sober streaks are valuable, but I’m still happy I reached uncharted territory again
Anyways, I’d like to celebrate by opening a new thread (allready had ice cream though!) in which I will try and journal about my therapy sessions and mental health/general progress.
I feel like I already grew a lot since I first started questioning my drinking 4 years ago, but I always kept hitting a wall, because I was too ashamed to ask for help. My personal breakthrough was when I finally opened up to my closest friends and eventually, my brother.
Even then, when this massive weight was lifted off my shoulders, I didn’t feel better. Relieved, yes, but this huge emptiness and excruciating desperation I often feel didn’t really change at all. I don’t really have the words yet … but even though I was sober, my thoughts kept getting worse until daily tasks just didn’t seem doable anymore. Short version: being sober still made all the difference, because this time I realized I can’t do it alone, asked for help and got a spot in psychotherapy right away (even though insurance issues are still being worked out).
When I was still drinking and bargaining with myself, I kept thinking “I can’t stop, because I would feel EVERYTHING and I would have to deal with it”.
I think in my case, alcohol and mental health issues closely relate and I’m finally willing to start looking at them. Looking without dealing already hurts a lot, so I know this will be hard work, but I don’t see any other option of moving foward with my life at the moment, so here we go.
I know many of you have experience with going to a therapist and/or also deal with depression, so this isn’t meant to just be my diary, I’d love your insights and experiences, so feel free to share!
If you’re not sure if therapy or looking at your underlying issues is a good idea, come along the ride, this is a penguin self-experiment (with no harming animals in the process), I’ll try it out for you
There will be swearing (I’ll do the worst of it in Viennese German), running in circles, being my stubborn-ass self, many pictures of trees and dogs and not always perfect English Feeling hopeful and motivated is exactly what I need right now.
Thanks for reading!
Congratulations on 6 months T!
I’m so proud of you for seeking help with your depression. Treating my mental health has been a huge success in maintaining my sobriety. I have a a lot more hard work to do in this area but it’s all worth it. I’m looking forward to following this part of your journey.
Thank you Lisa! I’m glad working on your mental health is a success for you, I hope to say the same thing one day It feels good to finally tackle this thing and I wouldn’t have been able to while still drinking.
@Its_me_Stella thank you Stella, it’s good to be back! Looking foward to reading your posts again
Mental Health Check In Part 2.
I opened this thread really motivated and was excited to hold myself accountable by posting and didn’t come back for a couple of days, that went well … so what happened? I was busy sitting on my couch, staring at the wall and trying to hold my mind together with both hands. The problem is, I totally forget to take care of myself while doing so. Sigh.
My situation right now is messy. I quit my job, moved to a different city and haven’t taken up a new job yet. I saved up enough to pay rent and food for a couple more months, but I’d really love to get back to working. I absolutely love what I do and I know there are many open positions that desperatly need to be filled, especially now with COVID creeping up again (being trained somewhere in healthcare).
My biggest achievment so far as a sober person was telling my closest friends and my brother about my depression and drinking problem. It only took me three years of trying and failing to stay sober before I figured out that opening up and accepting help wouldn’t kill me. I’ve always been a late bloomer
My friends were kind and generous, they listened to all my stories, my grief and despair without judgement. I love them truly. Those experiences gave me the confidence to call up my best friend after a long night of lying awake and having sucidal thoughts. I felt like a crazy person (not in a good way), but I did it. She acted swiftly. She came over and held my hand when I called the mental health hotline and took me for icecream afterwards.
Long story short, I got into my therapist’s office for the first time the next day. I told her everything and didn’t hold back, because I figured I didn’t have to loose anything anymore.
First she told me that it must have been hard for me to go through all that alone for so long and that I was brave for coming. Felt good, didn’t expect that.
Then she told me that I could learn how to recognize and to prevent an upcoming episode. That with time, I’d come to unterstand my triggers and learn how to take care of my mental health so I wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore and would start to heal.
I was more than happy to hear that and asked her how to begin. Then I was informed that we would have to look at the problem first, before talking about the solution. Well shit. That’s what I’m most afraid of, looking at all the trauma I aquired over the years. It’s painful, but she lured me with a reward. What a smart lady. After each session she tells me to leave the heavy stuff with her and to only take what I can carry.
I’ll go there again tomorrow, will start to talk about my drinking career. Wish me luck
Feeling hopeful and motivated is exactly what I need right now.
