The thread on ‘Narcissism’ made me think about some of the common characteristics that addicts often share.
Perfectionism is one of the traits that come to my mind when thinking about the qualities, good or bad, that we may often share.
What do people out there think? Do you suffer from it, and does it impact negatively on your sobriety?
I feel that for me personally, perfectionism definitely sabotages my efforts at sobriety.
That little voice in my head says that l am weak and have no will power, otherwise l would have kicked the habit a long time ago.
Other people succeed the first time around,why can’t l?
What is wrong with me?
Why can’t l stay on the wagon? Even if l get a good stretch of AFDs,l will beat myself up that l couldn’t make it to whatever the next addict has.
Then come the ‘what’s the points’, l am never going to succeed so l might as well give up right now!
My mother told me l’m a bad mum, so l must be!
My husband said my brain is pickled and lll never change now. He must be right.
I lost my licence due to drink driving-my record is blemished, l’m a criminal!
I will never be thought of as normal by my family and friends. I may as well run away to another country so l don’t have to face my mistakes and start again.
I hate myself for the things l have done whilst drinking. I want to erase the last 10 years of my life and start afresh!
Just 10 years? I wanna call a Mulligan on my whole damn life!
Seriously though, try to escape perfectionism as immediately as possible. It does come with addiction, and like most aspects of this disease, your subconscious will cling to it for use against you, to keep you down. Accepting and forgiving myself is the largest barrier in my journey, so fight these feelings as hard as you can! And don’t give up!
I am a perfectionist, not meaning I do everything perfectly or even try to do everything perfectly, but meaning I think only perfect will do, and then when I don’t or can’t or even assume I won’t, I give up, and like you, think ‘what’s the point’.
Absolutely true for me. I have referred to myself as a recovering perfectionist many times. My identity since childhood has been wrapped up in both people pleasing and perfectionism and the expectations I placed on myself, which inevitably led to lots of feelings that I wanted to numb. Went hand in hand for me.
I’m not sure if I thought I was perfect as I’ve done some bad things in my time but I can assure you that in 36 years of drinking I have never been wrong.
Now I let everything just happen, it doesn’t need my imput or opinion. Its OK to be wrong and it’s even better to admit it to others.
I know perfection played a role with me too. I believed and took pride in doing it all. I told my self that I was strong and worked so hard and went through so much, I deserved to drink. What I couldn’t see was that my kids did not deserve a drunk mom nor my husband, an emotional, manic, trainwreck of a wife. I held onto my perfectly clean house, and cooked meals at 5:30 on the dot, my kids were bathed daily and read too and I had next seasons clothes in their closets… but that didn’t take away or add to the fact that I was just an ordinary, textbook alcoholic trying my very best to hide the wreck I was. I no longer wish my last ten years away, the lessons I learned and the hard work it took to get where I am today is worth it all. Plus, I need my bad memories… now I allow myself to dare replay them… they keep me sober. When cravings overwhelm, all I have to do is think about where that first drink will lead too and the craving instantly lessens. Sorry for my long rant. I wish you the very best on your journey
I suffer from pathological perfectionism it holds hands tightly with my eating disorder. So yes it impacts my recovery negatively
I am learning to let go of this behavior and way of thinking though as it serves me no purpose.
The way I am living now has no room for such ridged and extreme thinking. My perfectionism kept me in a 12 year relapse because of the shame it created when I slipped. Nowhere in my life have I ever allowed room for error, when I think about that as I type it I can barely breathe. Perfectionism has been the bane of my existance. I am so grateful to be in a place to just sit back and say “it doesn’t really matter” and believe it! I posted the other day about perfect being boring and it is… and there is no such thing as perfect. Perfect in whose eyes??? I have been living my life perfecting it to my ideas of what I thought everyone expected of me. I have been living a lie my whole life… its been a big bunch of bullshit.
Expending so much energy and making myself so miserable for a bunch of bullshit.
Oh sweet @Andy68 yes perfectionism is a curse that we put on ourselves. it sets us apart, we alone can fulfill and live by our insanely high standards, everyone else better shape up, and if they don’t do as we want we are impossibly disappointed. At the same time, we shy from living life which is not predictable, not perfectionable, not for us to swoop in and take the prize. We don’t experience, try out and we don’t learn as we can’t loose, can’t show weakness, can’t show or accept imperfection. It’s a lonely, sad, impoverished hill we sit on. Nothing grows there but our own sorrow and the heavy heavy knowledge hangs above us that we will never be good enough, never be a part.
It takes a long long time to let go of these believes. We can remind ourselves every day we don’t need those anymore. But it still takes a long time. I’m doing therapy and it helps me a lot to face these believes over and over, to realise there is another way. Has to be.
Edit to say this
Speaks to me like I have written it myself.
This is a great thread. Feeling grateful it was started!
I can’t recommend this book enough, or any Brené Brown book, to be honest, though this one tackles this subject directly. Brené is one of the rare gems who outs herself as a perfectionist (she’s also in recovery from alcohol use).
