Good for you Bella! 
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I’m sorry that sounds really hard to be in rehab but not feel like you are getting what you need out of it. Have you tried any NA meetings? They speak about a god of your own understanding so if you aren’t religious that’s ok but it is a spiritual program. A god of my personal understanding is like the universe and I find touching base with nature as my prayer. Even if it’s literally just standing bare foot on a strip on grass for 10 minutes each day. I have a tattoo on my back that reads “you are a child of the universe, no less then the trees or the stars, you have a right to be here”. This reminds me that the way you can stare at the amazing marvel of the natural world, I too am just as worthy of taking up space. Today is going on day 3 and I’m feeling a lot bette and in control
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Congrats on reaching day 3 Bella! Just keep going one day at a time. Or when a craving hits (which will happen at some point so you better prepare for it) one hour or one minute at a time. Great you’re creating your own sober community, that’s sure the way to go. The opposite of addiction is connection.
One thing: The only control we have is total abstinence. I think you know but you saying you’re in control triggered me a bit 
. Hugs friend. You’re doing great 
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Someone with many years sobriety told me that my best chance of making it was to do 90 meetings in 90 days to start with, find a sponsor and do everything that anyone at meetings suggested to me. My answer to everything had to be yes for the first 90 days. I live in a remote place and can only get to 3 or 4 in person meetings a week so the rest I do online. I say yes to every invitation to coffee, visiting other meetings, anything anyone from recovery asks or invites me to - the answer is yes.
Day 64 today and all I have to do today is get to a meeting and not drink or use today.
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Morning Brandon! I read your message and would like to help because I too remember how great it felt once I had freedom from my drunk ass mind and the obsession to use/drink.
What was the turning point in my mind was knowing & believing that if I were to get loaded again that I would never stop and my misery wheel will begin again. Just like every time before. I accepted that I’m not special and this disease will win, every time if I keep doing it. I see my HP as something that never has gotten high or drunk and doesn’t need to, ever. It stands tall, every day, all around me and strongly marches forward without any dope or drink.
In rehab I worked on me spiritually & then through AA, NA, here and trying to help others like me where I live. Then the want to get lit simply, but slowly, slipped away! But I have to keep it up or no doubt the gnawing will return. I have to stay out of my head by doing not dwelling.
I see folks continue to try and outsmart this disease when really they’re just selling bullshit to themselves. We all are done when we’re done and for some that’s going to be a 6 ft hole or cremation, some it’s jail/prison and some it is freedom from the bondage of self. What we are willing to accept really determines our fate, I feel.
Big hugs from this drunk!
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Congrats…. Keep it up!! You got this
Ahhhhhh!!! I was so confident today and feeling good until just a few minutes ago when my partner called me on his drive home from work and asked me if I wanted him to go pick some up on the way home. I’m minutes away from day 4 and he’s gonna ask me that?! Like of course I do!!! I tried to call my sponsor but she didn’t pick up which is fine because I’m meant to see her tonight maybe. My partner is all mad at me now (trying to hide it because his son is here but so obviously being passive aggressive to me) and I want to scream because i do want it. I didn’t know how bad until he asked. And I mean bad. Like I want to scream fuck this stupid program, I don’t have a problem , the world says it’s a problem but there’s really not anything that wrong with it!!! I just want to fuckkng relax!!! Trying to sit here and tell myself just for today, but of course I know I’ll regret it but my want is soooo much more. I know it will be almost impossible to stop again if I pick up. I have tried telling myself everything. I want to badly to tear into my skin with how badly I want it. I want someone to tell me it’s okay just one more time (clearly not the place to post
30 mins later… ok so I wrote out this post and called my sponsor again. I’m heading off to a AA meeting in an hour. Just today just today just today! Trying to play out the tape and I don’t want this but at the same time I soooo do
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Well done Bella! After the reading the first part of your post, I thought “oh… no…”, reading this second part felt like a relief!
I guess your partner is a very important part of your life, but clearly he’s not supportive of your sobriety… tricky to handle in the early days when you’re not very stable in your sobriety.
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Just for today. Today is all that matters. Put your head on the pillow clean and serene. You can do it and it will make you so much stronger for next time you are in a similar situation.
I believe in you
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