Please pray 4 me


#1

Ok so i basically have about 6 months left of probation. As it draws closer (i have 18 months in total so in comparison it is quite close) i keep imagining myself going to the store to buy a bottle of wine and drinking it while relaxing in the tub when im “free” again.
I dont know why thats just my liquor fantasy as of late.
I also have this negative energy in me lately, depression almost lethargy, dont know how to quite describe it, where i just dont care about myself again.
Ive been emotional the past few days to a week, crying here and there where as before then for a long time ive been like, kind of emotionless, just numb and things not bothering me. I dont know if its the time of the month coming up or what (ive always been irregular the 16 years ive had my period so i stopped trying to track it ages ago.)

So basically im just worried im planting a bad seed in my head thinking about drinking, and im worried, i keep thinking if i have a drink all this tension will melt a bit, and i dont want to be thinking this way.

Please pray for me im not religious but i do have spiritual beliefs about positive energies and such.

I hope i dont come off sounding too bat shit crazy in this post, i just wish i could shut my brain up without alcohol. I think thats one reason why i drank like i did… For years i have been the type to overanalyze things, overthink things, develop anxiety over things work related. Its not as bad as it used to be (has nothing to do with drinking/not drinking) but i still overthink shit and wish i could just STOP.


#2

Hi pal! You don’t sound crazy!! Just sounds like good old fashion alcoholism. It truly is cunning baffling and powerful. It shows itself in many forms. If I had to guess I would say that it’s your alcoholic mind trying to escape. You’re almost off probation so that old “Stinkin thinkin” is poppin in to say hi.

Your post makes me think of the difference between Sobriety and Recovery. Sobriety is just that, staying sober. Recovery is well, recovering from our alcoholism. Recovery is coming to terms with and working on the “whys” of our drinking. For most of us, those “whys” include things like fear and loneliness and self worth issues. If not addressed in sobriety these thoughts and emotions can consume us. They can keep us in that “stinkin thinkin”.

These are just some thoughts pal. im just sharing my expirience. I know that for me, I had a lot of work to do on myself in order to recovery from the years and years of destruction. I had so much shame and guilt. I had learn to forgive myself.

You have been around a while. I have always enjoyed reading your post. Probation or not you are doing amazing!! A lot of people would give up or let the cards fall where they will but not you.

Big congrats on your time!!:slight_smile:


#3

You sound exactly like me in that you use alcohol to shut your brain off from overanalyzing everything in your life. If you are like me, in the end everything turns out ok and you worried for nothing. You/I drank for nothing. Damaged ourselves and others over nothing. I have found the longer you are sober and the more you allow your brain chemistry, body chemistry to balance out you worry wayyyyy wayyyyy less and begin to just deal with things in a healthy way. Exercise will fast track this. I cannot stress how important a good hard sweat each day or most days or whatever you can handle will strengthen your mental fortitude and be able to seize the day rather than let it and alcohol consume you.


#4

I will say a prayer for you! There is power in prayer for sure…

Do you feel like the thought your having is a “reservation” your holding on to? And maybe even goes deeper. Like, maybe your alcoholic thinking is telling you, im only sober bc im on probation and as soon as im off, im done… i dont know, just giving you something to think about is all. Probation can be a great motivator but not the reason ya know… And for you just by the way you post, sounds like your doing it for yourself, but just something to think about… Just know you dont have to drink again no matter what. Probation, no probation, doesnt matter. Im not telling you anything you dont already know though…


#5

Thanks for the advice everyone… I always feel (at least) somewhat different about it when i wake up the next day and im hangover free.
Im just going to update this topic every time i have an urge or a thought and maybe you guys can help me put it in perspective like you did here.
Like right now i could care less about having a glass of wine while soaking in the tub.

I just have to remind myself what all of this has cost me. I think i resent it somewhat because before, i was living at my own place and was free to drink as much as i felt like, and never drove drunk or did anything more reckless than making stupid phone calls or facebook posts. Then i started dating my boyfriend and moved in with him and he didnt like my drinking, and thats when all the physical recklessness started- like i would drive to a hotel and binge. So its like, where do i gain perspective on that? I know if i was still in that apartment i would still be drinking and i was at the high tolerance, waking up sick point and that was in 2015! Like i have to think this was some kind of divine intervention. I have felt like i have had an angel watching over me through out all of this. I was arrested, went through treatment. I literally had money saved over a 3 year period that the end of went to paying my lawyer. I wrecked my car in december of 16 (not alcohol related) and was able to afford a down payment that left me with literally 150$ in the bank. And i had moments where i was just barely able to afford my bills. And now i have been able to save money up. I mean compared to where i was i am doing a lot better.
So i have taken all this in grace with the idea that it was just a very expensive way to get myself to sober up. Like if i walk out of probation in august and start all over again, all that money i spent was in vain. To really put it in perspective the money i spent for my lawyer i started saving up going back to 2012. No it wasnt “that much” just thats when i had started saving to begin with. So that would be 6 years of my life down the drain if i just up and started drinking again.
Im 28 years old, im too freakin old to be thinking about doing something that may or may not ruin my life.
Anyways i needed to get that out and this post has already been good for me because its made me regain focus. Like i said ill repost on this topic the next time i get an urge.


#6

Hi I understand exactly what you’re saying about having thoughts of relaxing in the tub with a drink. It’s as Gabe.G has said ‘stinkin thinkin’ or booze brain I like to call it. It sneaks up on you and before you know it you’re back to square one! Replace the drink with something else to relax or treat yourself to something nice just not booze. Sounds like you can afford a treat, something that is good for you as booze lies to us, it doesn’t relax us it makes us more anxious, tired, depressed. You can do this, you are doing this. Believe in yourself, you’re worth and you’ve come a long way!


#7

You have my positive vibes coming your way !

And the moment i stop asking myself am i batshit crazy i will start to worry :slight_smile:


#8

Thank you everyone for the positive words of encouragement. Im truly grateful for it and im glad i opened up about this because i feel a lot better.
I had a pretty awful day at work today. I wait tables and my sales were 460 and i made 60 dollars. I know the old me would have been craving the booze but i dont get that way anymore. Its hard to know how much of that is because im on probation vs how much i have actually changed.
Expect to hear more from me on this thread in the coming months. I really dont know exactly what was up with me last night but im grateful i typed all that out and that all of you responded. It was cool to read that some of you enjoy my posts.

One thing i have been struggling with is the stress and overanalyzing. I want to start meditating but i dont even know how. I have no idea how to shut my brain off.


#9

Good job on being sober for this long. Those thoughts you have are also completely normal and everyone goes through them. Just remember why you wanted to become sober in the first place. It’s also normal to become emotionally numb for a period of time but as your emotions start to pop up making sure you express them just as you did by writing your post. That is a form of expressing yourself so you don’t feel bottled up and reach for an addiction. Anytime you feel those emotions talk to someone or write a post on here. Good luck to you and good job so far


#10

Thank you. That is exactly what im going to do. It was crazy how i was feeling last night and im so glad i have this forum to turn to and talk about whats going on because what you all have said plus me opening up and getting back in perspective that itch has gone away for the most part for now. A glass of wine doesn’t sound nearly as good as it did then. Not that i was going to crack right then, just that i was fantasizing about august, and one thing that has stood out to me from aa is something one of the chairpersons would always talk about, saying how you don’t just necessarily go and pick up a drink but you plant the idea in your head ahead of time. Which is what i would always do.
I have to remind myself how young i am in my sobriety. I am 28 years old. I had my first drink at 16. Didnt start going crazy with it until i was about 23 and that lasted somewhere around 3 years. But never in that time until a year ago have i tried to give it up for good. So i have to remember, that alcohol and drinking is learned behavior, and even with as long as its been i havent been sober long enough. Its like i always try to tell people-keep on and see how it changes for you over time. Im still keeping on, to see changes. Its going ti take time but i want to see who i am, years down the line, sober. Its such a gradual process which is why i think its so important to stay mindful. Alcohol, for me at least seemed to be like taking a drink and running with it. This is going to take much longer. Theres no more hiding, no quick fix, no pause button or fast forward button. This is life, milling along slowly as its supposed to. Its an adjustment. Its not knowing how im going to feel one day to the next. No more controlling with booze my emotions.


#11

Good I’m happy to hear that you have a solid foundation and moved past those little thoughts of abusing substances. Just remember the road isn’t over so please come post on here when you feel bottled up so those emotions don’t get the best of you!


#12

I’ll pay for you :pray:


#13

Hey i just wanted to update.
So i havent had any cravings like i was the other day. I keep thinking back on that day and i feel no pleasure at the idea of having a glass of wine while relaxing.
I feel like talking about all that stuff i said up there helped and i also want to think the prayers helped.
I know there are deep seeded reasons why i drank, like most people. For me lately ive been feeling down because of work mostly, its been exposing a vulnerable/ insecure side of myself i know the old me would have drank over. I also think maybe a part of the reason i dont feel like i fit in at work is because i don’t go out and drink with any of them. Its a theory anyways i just know that a bunch of them do that. Anyways its not about fitting in its the fact that i think this effects things like the sections i get and the money i am therefor able to make.
So. Im asking for another general prayer. Just for peace of mind on my end. That i can stay focused at work and stop getting in my head about shit. Just peace and calm mind.
Yep thinking this out like this reminds why i used to drink-getting in my head, getting anxious about money and work.
Anyways hopefully this makes sense. Send me good vibes please ive been feeling pretty shitty and worthless lately


#14

I definitely understand all the ways work can be a trigger. From the small shit to the big. Ever since I went back to work I’ve been very unsure of what my possition actually is and how to connect with my employees without drinking. It’s tough. I will keep you in my thoughts for sure. We can do this.


#15

Meditation works wonders, and does teach you to shut down the brain chatter. Good luck !