Ok so i basically have about 6 months left of probation. As it draws closer (i have 18 months in total so in comparison it is quite close) i keep imagining myself going to the store to buy a bottle of wine and drinking it while relaxing in the tub when im “free” again.
I dont know why thats just my liquor fantasy as of late.
I also have this negative energy in me lately, depression almost lethargy, dont know how to quite describe it, where i just dont care about myself again.
Ive been emotional the past few days to a week, crying here and there where as before then for a long time ive been like, kind of emotionless, just numb and things not bothering me. I dont know if its the time of the month coming up or what (ive always been irregular the 16 years ive had my period so i stopped trying to track it ages ago.)
So basically im just worried im planting a bad seed in my head thinking about drinking, and im worried, i keep thinking if i have a drink all this tension will melt a bit, and i dont want to be thinking this way.
Please pray for me im not religious but i do have spiritual beliefs about positive energies and such.
I hope i dont come off sounding too bat shit crazy in this post, i just wish i could shut my brain up without alcohol. I think thats one reason why i drank like i did… For years i have been the type to overanalyze things, overthink things, develop anxiety over things work related. Its not as bad as it used to be (has nothing to do with drinking/not drinking) but i still overthink shit and wish i could just STOP.