I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m a virgin with a porn addiction. I isolated myself for a long time, causing me to have social anxiety. I can’t picture anyone other than family ever actually caring about me, let alone have sex with me.
For over 3 years I’ve wanted to have sex so bad, but before I’d be ready I’d had to be perfect. That’s partially why I go to the gym so often. I was okay with going to a prostitute. I’ve been thinking of it soo much the last 4 months. But even that I’m too scared to do. ‘I’ll get fit first, then pay her triple and I won’t have to feel guilty for the harm I’d do.’ I’m debating whether to just go to a prostitute so I finally know how insignificant sex is, but for years I’ve seen it as this huge thing I know it isn’t. I’m going to contact a sexologist soon and hope things go better from there. Cause my view of this world is so fucked. Have a good day anyone reading this weird post, hope I’ll get to laugh at this post in a year too.
Guess for her as well as for yourself, it ain’t that easy…
I wouldn’t call it insignificant, but you are right in stating it’s not as big a thing as we’re supposed to believe.
Perfection doesn’t exist. But if you go for “as good as possible”, try to understand the difference between sex and making love… the last one is worth it 
Hey Arnold, wow. I don’t say this lightly and don’t throw around compliments here all too easily (stick around and you’ll see lol) but this is one of the bravest posts I’ve ever read on here. You’ve done so fucking good to come clean about this.
I understand shame. It’s probably my most felt emotion. I feel for you buddy, it’s a hard life that way.
Understand that your wish to go to a prostitute, born out of the same need to become perfect in order to be good enough, and to experience sex as linked to the porn images you have in your head, is part of your problem. It’s not the solution. And it’ll make it worse for you. It’ll do nothing for your self acceptance, nothing for your connection to yourself or others. And while this sounds benign, the shame and the pain and the not-good-enough you feel, that’s all to do with a lack of connection with yourself and lack of connection to others. Do you really want to add another (and so hyped and built-up!) experience to the rooster of thoughts, feelings and events that’ll make it harder for you to become a happier person? That’ll just be another tough one to undo later in therapy, and in your soul?
Secondly: no amount of money makes buying the body of another ever ok. There is always harm because it’s never right to own someone physically, even for a short time, even if the parties “agree”. There can be a false agreement based on false premises, that is harmful depsite being agreed-upon. Like living in a dictatorship. Not every single action of that government will be despicable. But because of the conditions of unfreedom, there is a certain general disqualification.
You cant buy yourself free from that. To that person, you’re just another John who did them harm. No matter how handsome and affluent you are.
Lastly: I have experience with sex addiction because my long term boyfriend has it. Sex addiction is the disease of trying to counter an inner lack of admiration, self-esteem, approval and self-liking through gaining these by having sex with others, being chosen by them, being found “good enough” for sex and being found “good in bed” by them. It’s very harmful to the sex addict. It makes for a life of emptiness, lovelessness and self hate. There are others on this forum who can speak more on this subject than I, but I want to reply because this is important to me and I think our American friends are alseep the now.
To me, it sounds like you’re on a steep slide into active sex addiction, if not already there. (I don’t want to diagnose you.) starting your sexual life with others off the way you outline above is just the next escalation. And it can get much much worse. The alienation from others and yourself.
I think you’re in rehab or have been. Have you thought about going to long term therapy to talk about yourself? I’m going and it’s saved my life.
Also, I know it’s not great but there is objectively nothing wrong with being a virgin. We all have our histories. This is part of yours. If I met a young man who was a virgin in his mid 20s, I would not judge. I would think: well, there’s a lot going on with this person that I don’t know about. Which is a general truth that applies to anyone.
Sending you the biggest hug my friend! Thanks for your opennes! You did yourself a big service there!! 
Hi Arnold, first: I feel you. That is a heavy emotional load you are carrying. Speaking as a porn addict in recovery myself, I completely understand.
I’ll be direct: don’t visit a prostitute. It will not make it any better and it could easily make things worse. It will cause you to sexualize the act of paying for sex, which will make sex with your unpaid, romantic partner, actually less arousing for you. This happens all the time in sex addiction recovery.
Like you, I struggled with porn throughout my teens and for more than two decades afterward (I am now 39). I am doing well now with over 3 months of uninterrupted sobriety. It has been a long journey and for me, where I am now is from a combination of therapy, sex addiction recovery group work, relationship counselling with my wife, prayer (I am a deeply spiritual person myself; the same results could come from meditation or mindfulness for people who prefer those though), and medical support for my ADHD and my depression (the medication combined with coaching for these has been transformative).
I do not personally believe I had to wait more than 20 years to get sober. Knowing what I know now, I believe I could have easily done it as a teen or in my early 20s, if I’d been conscious of the problem and taken action - like you.
Going to the gym is fine - but keep it balanced, you also need time to socialize! Isolating is a problem. You may be naturally introverted, but whether you’re introverted or not, you need some social connection; all humans do. Explore connections and social interactions (pairs, small groups, events, museums, etc) and find what feels comfortable for you.
Seeing a sexologist may help - it’s worth a shot! - but it’s also worth checking out a sex addiction recovery group to learn about getting sober from “acting out” on sexual fantasies:
Fantasies are a problem. There’s an important line to draw, between noticing someone is attractive - which is fine, we notice, then we move on to the next thing we’re doing and within a few seconds the noticing is gone - and fixating / obsessing / fantasizing. Fantasizing is a problem because it dehumanizes people: it dehumanizes the person we’re fantasizing about, by turning them into an object for our sexual use (basically, making them into a vibrator to pleasure ourselves, and not a human who deserves respect and whom we need to put in effort to understand), and it dehumanizes us, by making us someone that objectifies others (which is not a constructive human behaviour).
Keeping your journal here on TS is a good idea. It helps to have somewhere to go when the thoughts start spinning in your head. I do that all the time. Getting things out in writing helps me see that they’re separate from myself, which helps me recognize I don’t have to follow these thoughts.
Another thing I might say is that you’re young and this is a time to go out and meet people, socially and romantically, and that may be playing a role in how you’re feeling here. Is there a reason you can’t go out and socialize? Is there something in the way of you developing a romantic relationship?
You say you feel some need to be perfect. Why? (That’s something to unpack with a counsellor, which actually may be more helpful than a sexologist.) I promise you don’t. What you do need to do is being someone walking through life and growing with the people around you. There’s not a place we need to “be”, to be ready for a relationship or a friendship. What we do in relationships is walk through life together, facing the ups and downs together, empathize with one another and taking time every day to ask how the other feels, and empathize non-judgementally. The relationship is a process, it’s a growth process, and that’s what it will always be. You’re never perfect and you don’t need to be.
How do you feel Arnold? What are you thinking?
The other thing I’ll say is sex is never perfect either. Some times are great and some times it isn’t happening. Keep a sense of humour and be gentle with yourself and your partner. It’s all part of the relationship journey.
My advice would be to cut porn out of your life completely. It’s all the wrong things, all the wrong expectations, and it is a huge waste of time that distorts your experience of sex; it makes it worse.
In the early months especially, it may be a long time before you can reach orgasm sexually, without porn. Your brain is rewiring itself. Be patient and have faith - and don’t give up, keep sharing, keep coming here. (And enjoy the whole sexual experience as well; the orgasm is actually just a really small part of it that gets blown out of proportion.) Let your partner know about it too and share for emotional recognition and support.
I don’t know if the sex question is something that’s crossed your mind but I wanted to say it, just to be clear; it was certainly something that had a big impact on me.
Definitely echo @Faugxh for commending your courage and honesty. Reaching out and admitting that you are struggling is the first step to healing.
I think that you may benefit from listening to a podcast or doing some research on the 2 people below. They are sex/porn coaches and counselors that I listen to / counsel with and they focus on helping you through the shameful feelings.
Their main message is that life is a beautiful blessing and you can make for yourself whatever you want the most. You don’t need to be perfect to be happy, or have sex to be happy, and once you do meet those goals, you’ll still find that life isn’t everything that you thought it would be. They taught me to change how I think and feel to be happier despite my circumstances.
Both their podcasts are on Spotify and apple podcasts and have loads of nuggets for you - even though Amanda mainly works with women, so much of her content is for men too.
Thank you for reaching out to share your struggle. Together, we’ve got this.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. The point i want to talk to you about is the porn addiction. I myself was exposed to the worst porn around age 10ish. 3 Decades later i’m finally 168 days free, and yet, I still have to battle. I’ve listened to Porn free radio, your brain on porn, and yet the thing that finally helped me break free was a book by Allen Carr The Easy Way to quit porn. It’s on youtube. The Easy Peasy Way Part 1 - YouTube