Yeah honestly I’ve thought about bringing it up to my therapist for a bit now. I have a good one that really likes to dive as deep as you’re comfortable with. I have some other issues like anger, anxiety, and I think I have OCD that’s just not officially diagnosed yet that I’ve been having some real wins with lately so that gives me some hope for this. That plus a year and half substance free gives me encouragement. Might be time to just swallow my ego and tell my therapist. Gotta start somewhere. It’s really like the secret issue I’ve had for a long time that nobody has ever known about and that I only recently finally saw it as a problem myself. I really appreciate you sharing how you’ve gotten through it
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Yep. Same reason gambling addictions are harder for people to quit now. A friend of mine has been struggling with that. Same thing. One click away. As much as I love technology it’s also a rather frightening thing sometimes. Can’t blame the technology all the time though of course. I’m feeling a little better at least. It’s gonna be a process just like recovery from alcoholism was and how I still have to be mindful of it and work my program
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I’m one week sober and I’m very vulnerable to relapse can i speak to someone please
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Definitely find your local SA or SAA group. I see a therapist also. The group setting is helpful.
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Today is day 6 no porn, no masturbation. I’ve opted to post here rather than my touchstone in hopes that I may get a little more feedback on my daily posts. This community on TS seems to really be the special component to things going smoother this time. Olivia, ICanAndWill, StaringUpFromTheWell, and Daniela have all been especially helpful - to you guys, THANK YOU! Apologies for misspelled usernames, I’ve only got one window open on my phone rn.
I hope this is a forum where I can continue to make connections and allow myself vulnerability to strangers, turning some strangers into internet friends as well.
Another contributing factor to my success so far is the book my wonderful wife grabbed for me at her job - Wherever You Go, There You Are. I’ve been in therapy for ~9yrs and the most impactful part for me was DBT. I’m yet to finish the final DBT Module (Mindfulness, Emotional Regulation, Crisis Management, Interpersonal Effectiveness), but have heavily benefited and leaned on Mindfulness the last couple years as discovering my emotions has unfolded. I haven’t had emotional processing anytime except the last 2yrs or so - for me everything was forced happiness. Anything negative got bucketed into anger, which is an emotion I turned to self destruction. I’ve never been a vindictive or violent guy, so anger somehow always got flipped inward. This book has me thinking very actively about mindfulness daily. My mind’s a bit of a pretzel about it right now, but the key points of basic concepts - Patience, Trust, Presence - have really kept me going thru this past week. I hope mindfulness keeps carrying a portion of the load. So far sobriety has been much easier than last time, but difficult. I’m afraid I don’t have the strength to battle it if it’s full-force, and am scared of it rearing its head in full power.
So.. question I’m struggling with as I work to be more present and plugged in.
I find that when I’m working to be truly present, I’m processing what’s around me heavily - thinking through where I am, what I’m doing, how I’m feeling, etc. That thinking also feels like it removes me from the moment and has me more analyzing the moment from the outside. Yet, if I don’t analyze the moment and simply exist in it… I’m not really fully present either as I’m not processing what’s going on.
idk if that makes sense to anyone and my writing is awful (just woke up), but lmk if you relate.
Thanks everyone 
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I wrote about this a few years back on my personal thread. Have a look if you’re interested and have the time. I didn’t feel comfortable copy-pasting the whole lot here.
Regarding being present in the moment. Yep, it’s easy to slip into overanalysing. You get worried if you’re “doing this right”. It’s introspection, you are focussed on yourself instead of your surroundings. That’s needed too sometimes. When I need to ground myself, I can try to narrate what it I see. “That cloud has a funny shape. Casts a long shade.” Another way is I try to do is making a gratitude list. “I’m grateful for this rain. Plants really need it. I’m grateful for my husband snoring. He is here next to me.” Oh, putting the phone/whatever screen away helps immensely. Doing something with my hands, like crafting.
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And it’s worth it. This journey is so worth it. I can relate to the length of time this was taking me. 30 years later, looking back, I would definitely not do this any differently. The choice to be obedient to God and address my lust was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
This is not a race to get the most sobriety in the fastest, shortest period of time. What matters is that if we put in the work, learn from the relapses, and never give up, we’ll eventually get to the same place.
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Congratulations on your continued sobriety!
I love that you’re actively participating in DBT. For 25 or so years, I failed at so many multifarious therapies. I’d get tossed from one therapist to another. I felt like such a irreparably broken failure.
Until DBT.
I thrived.
It was uncomfortable in the beginning, painful even.
But after a year or two, I started to see myself living. I wasn’t just surviving… I saw myself thriving. Which scared me so much.
Moreover, years of broken relationships started to turn around. I was fostering and maintaining relationships of various depths because of the Interpersonal Effectiveness module. Each module is one that I have to daily practice.
Now I’m a DBT Evangelist! 
It sounds to me like you’re not in Wise Mind as you practice Mindfulness. From the sounds of it, you’re stuck in just your thinking/just the facts part of your brain.
"There are my Legos. There is my chair. That is food. That is a door. The floor under my feet is firm.”
That’s not mindfulness, that’s not even The 5 Senses, that’s taking inventory.
I get it
Especially if you’re triggered.
The last thing you need to do when you’re triggered and need to get back to baseline is to do an inventory of your surroundings, because now you’re going to look for potential threats and get lost in it all.
There are different skills you can use.
For a long, long time I had a Don’t Panic book that I made for myself and others to use when I was in crisis. It has a “triangle of choices” and then a numbered system of symptoms and what to do on the triangle of choices. When I was depersonalized, I could still do it on my own; or someone with me could access it and easily navigate it. (I was super proud of it!)
Perhaps something like that will help.
If you’re at a 3 (lowest risk) then sure, do your 5 senses.
But if you’re at a 1.5 (high risk) then you probably require more intensive care, such as guided meditation and PMR along with your 5 senses, etc.
And because there’s a million things that can work, it can be fun personalizing your treatment to you specifically.
What you’re feeling and thinking is normal and common for compounded trauma survivors. It won’t always feel this way. I promise. 
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How do you say, peaceful calm in this thred
You say ICanAndWill
As for you @ICanAndWill remember, easy does it, slow and steady ok.
Your awesome
Stay strong
You can and will
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This was so incredibly sweet! You humble me with your kind words. 
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Day 8 of no porn, no masturbation, no dating apps, no sexting
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Tactile hobbies are so big for me - I need something to do with my hands. I struggle to keep a list of things to do in that realm that’s affordable. It’s strange, things like chopping produce and folding laundry have oddly become activities I look forward to over the last few years.
I did check into your post btw - helpful. I struggle right now to consider how the hell I could ever beat the Shadow Monster (S3). It feels so big in my mind, that I am not even sure how I could hit it from multiple angles. It’s poor to say, but reading the few angles you noted from 12 step programs made me feel overwhelmed. ODAAT is really all I have going for me right now - and I am seriously afraid of anything outside of that box. As your therapist noted once before, if I cannot gain control of myself that’s a problem. I worry I have a problem.
I am noting this mental spectrum for my next chat with my therapist (who by the way, has been out of office for about 6wks). Next session is next week, and I think it will be quite valuable if I prepare properly.
Your note on Wise Mind is certainly helpful - and yes, thank God for DBT. I am one lucky asshole that I got the therapist I did who teaches the way she does. DBT has been life altering for me as well - extremely helpful. I need to finish the damn IE Module so I can start practicing all facets. Sounds like it has served you well.
Two questions for you… you said when you started thriving, you were scared? I am scared, but I struggle to articulate how. Emotions are a new concept to me… and a lot of movement in my life the last few years has put me in a position that is easily defined as “thriving”, but I am missing out. I have a big fear of not making the most of this exact moment. I worry that worrying over sobriety, diet, etc is all just me being chemically addicted to a sort of dissatisfaction. A big part of my brain is always judging me if I’m not having a great time. Candidly, I have the ability to be at peace and happy daily - something very rare I think. So… why waste it worrying over this and that? Anyhow… was that your fear too? Making the most of the thriving itself.
Also, how the hell did you know my room has legos, a chair, food, a door, and a floor??? JK
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Right behind you friend - Day 7 today We got this.
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Dude, you got to give yourself credit! This, right here, is super power.
I have deep dislike for folding laundry. I’ll rather do anything else around the house 
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I’ll let you know when I stop being scared.
Yes, it’s terrifying to get what you spend years wishing and praying for. It doesn’t feel believable; it doesn’t feel trustworthy. When someone has lived such an intensely traumatic life, chaos becomes the normal. Calm and stability is more threatening than chaos and stress. Blobfish look like normal fish when they’re in the deepest depths of the ocean; however, when they’re taken out of the crushing pressure they evolved to survive in, they melt.
We are kind of like that…
We get so used to chaos, stress, betrayal, pain, etc. that unconditional love, support, empathy, etc. feels like a trap…or worse, so temporary that it hurts just thinking about how much it would hurt to lose it.
We must protect ourselves at all costs.
But then we wilt and die.
The example Dr. Linehan uses is you open a door and notice there is a lion in the room. It roars and lunges at you. Luckily you were surprised quick enough to slam the door just in time. You go on your merry way…probably to change your pants …and come back to that door. You don’t know the lion was removed. Someone asks you to open it and go in. You adamantly reject the idea. Everything in you is screaming to keep the door shut in order to survive. But surviving isn’t living.
And thriving is a lot like that fear at opening the door to an empty room.
It’s wondering where the lion is hiding. It’s not trusting it’s not in the room… maybe under the table or couch or desk or behind the curtains. None of it makes sense; but a lion being in here didn’t make sense either!
Thriving is leaning on support people. Letting new people in slowly. Honoring them as they leave. It’s learning that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime; and letting it happen organically.
It’s allowing yourself to accept God’s gifts every single day even though every single day you want to slam that door and run and hide… because what if that lion comes back?
Thriving is scary.
I’m still scared.
But I’m letting it happen.
And it’s okay.
I’m more than okay.
Like right now I am experiencing intense loneliness. There was a time it would have driven me to attempt my life; but I’m not. I have enough strength to handle it every day (and without a cigarette!) and I didn’t consciously realize it.
Being in the moment isn’t active participation. That’s intense. For me, it’s just being okay with right now. I trust whatever I’m feeling and let it happen. If it’s fear, I let myself feel fear. If it’s too much, I let fear happen in the background. If it’s joy, I let myself feel joy. Especially when it’s some asshole getting pulled over by the cops. And I don’t focus on the emotions themselves, I just let them be. But, I’m also exceedingly broken so I might be wrong.
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Anyone relate to having a weird motivation to slip up as a means to reignite motivation to be sober? This has happened to me plenty. A self destructive sort of gnawing in the back of my mind to binge to the point of enough disgust that I am propelled into heavy motivation again.
Anyone ever have a feeling in the back of their mind that the only reason staying good is so difficult, is the act of restriction and not the addiction itself? Like… if you were to take a perfectly healthy person who has a perfectly healthy relationship with booze and tell them they can no longer drink, I bet they’d resist that hard internally and externally. Just because of autonomy. I feel like the resistance could be misinterpreted as that person being an addict, but it’s actually just a human struggle?
Anyone ever feel like the drive to consume pornography is coming from something otherworldly? I feel very vulnerable and dumb for saying this, but sometimes I’m afraid it’s a demon like Insidious. Like, I’ve got to exorcise myself to be free of this issue. Like, walking with God helps but less for reasons of Him being good and more for God fighting the devil within. (PSA my knowledge, study, and practice of religion is weak)
Anyway, I have a week behind me. I’m doing a fantastic job of coming up with any and all reason to not make it to day 30. I don’t think I’ll last much longer.
Hello Day 8. And sorry everyone for the drag post, I just need some help from the community here.
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In the past I have used the Easy Peasy guide to quitting PMO. There is something in there that feels appropriate.
It basically says Porn has two “monsters”. A little one and a big one.
The little monster is the gnawing feeling you describe. It is the voice in your ear that says “go on, it’ll be fine”. As soon as you relapse that same voice is the one shaming you for relapsing in the first place.
The guide explains that the little monster only exists because you watch porn. If we hadn’t the monster wouldnt exisit. The cravings are borne from watching porn. Not the absence of it. So it works in reverse of how you think it should.
The big monster is the lie that society has told itself. The group concensus that there is no harm in watching porn, its not a real addiction, its essentially just something that happens. Those of us who struggle can’t articulate our problems because society in general seems to think its fine. The reality though is what @Olivia said. The performers are treated apallingly with high suicide rates and drug addiction prevelant in the “industry”.
So you have two voices overlaping telling you its fine (when its really not) and that relapsing will have no consiquences.
I’ve tried letting go of all of the controls and I spiral deeper and further than before. I get lost in it. I lose myself. I’ve tried “limiting” my porn use, I’ve tried rationalising it. At the end of the day its an addiction. Its insidious and it waits until you are down or tired or feeling broken to sink its claws in.
The question I would ask yourself is what are these cravings telling me? How do I feel and does that feed into the desire to relapse?
I can feel the pull of my addiction today. I have had nightmares for 3 days straight, my sleep is shot and I’m emotionally processing things that are hard. So I know that the pull isn’t for porn, its for a release from these hard feelings. But I have only got to this point by bitter trial and error.
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I actually completely understand what you’re saying. Early in my sobriety from substances especially there was that strange desire to just drink and burn all my progress to the ground to make a bigger triumph. It took some time to realize that wasn’t worth it and it brought me back to thinking of step one in AA. Alcohol nearly killed me so playing back the horrific things it resulted in helped big time. With masturbation I’ve only really recognized the issue fully recently. That brings me to your restriction point. I feel like I’m white knuckling this and then after a few days of not doing it I feel like I can’t restrict it any longer. This is a tough one. It still feels different than substances for me and I’m nowhere near the time I have been working at my sobriety for those (over a year and a half sober and it’s become normal for me now). Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in this or with your line of thinking. Our minds really love to screw with us. Just gotta do our best to not fall into shame and keep getting back up and trying
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