Hello, I’m 17, African American and am a gay male and I’ve been watching porn since 13. I need help, I have a hard time admitting that but I know now. Porn addiction is really been taking me down lately and it’s really affecting my mood and who I am as a person and my relationships the sad thing is the reason why I’m addicted to porn is because when I was younger I didn’t have very many friends and I was lonely. I got bullied a lot and then I just was really depressed. So when I first saw porn it was gentle stuff and it filled a void for having no friends. Though it got worse. Porn wasn’t enough I found apps like Kik and skype hoping to find friends when I found disgusting men who introduced me to sex. Before I knew what I was doing I was a slut. I didn’t know i t was even wrong and i thought they were my friends. Ive dealt with this from 6th grade to now and in eighth grade I attempted to kill myself because of everything. The online camming was so wrong. Sometimes men were nice, some mean, some cruel and horrible. I was called names, labeled horrible things because of my skin color. And i just let them attack me and use me, not knowing it was wrong till i was about 15. At that point, it was time for a healthy change so my family moved me to new school and i got away from kik and skype. Now I am at that school, I have friends, and no more depression or bullying. Except for porn which I am very addicted to and has become a bully and makes me feel sad. It’s now gotten to the point where I know my trigger. Whenever I feel a drop of loneliness or anger or hurt im back on. The truth is I want better but im so screwed up it’s like even though I know things are SO GOOD my brain is stuck in middle school where kids bullied me for my color and my love of arts. I don’t know what to do.
Hey, I struggle with porn as well. Unfortunately, it is easy to fall into the idea that if we know what is good we will do what is good, but this isn’t enough, as we addicts know all too well. We have to want the good to do the good. To break free, you’re going to need a plan for how to break away if you don’t have one yet, and, as part of that plan, you need reasons for why you want to quit AND why you don’t want to quit. With the knowledge of why you don’t want to and the reasons which keep you coming back to your addiction, you can then work on correcting those thoughts so you don’t think that way anymore. For instance, you said you go there when lonely. You then come up with counterpoints for why it does not alleviate the problem in a sustainable way and it actually hurts you. This is important because it’s our thinking that has gotten us to/kept us where we are, and the only way we are going to change this is if our thinking changes.
It’s good that you are trying to get on track to fix this. God bless.
Great points. There is a lot for you here @cjthedj on the threads. Search them and learn from others who have been there before.
Hey @cjthedj, welcome to the forum. I am a lust addict and porn was my gateway drug. I too got sucked into chat rooms and some apps that facilitated my addiction. Like you, I was also lonely as a kid, I enjoyed art, and was bullied regularly. The bullying mostly stopped when I got to high school but not completely.
As I talked through some of those same triggers with my sponsor, he asked me if I actually felt better about myself after I acted out. Obviously the answer is no. And his wisdom was to recognize that now and embrace that knowledge so the next time I feel triggered I can acknowledge the trigger and then acknowledge that acting out will really only make me feel like garbage. Maybe that’s of use to you, maybe not. I completely agree with @TheTwilightRunner that you need a plan/program, this forum can be a part of it but probably isn’t enough on its own.
Keep coming back.
Thank you so much it just feels like everything is a trigger. everything I do reminds me of sex!?! If I watch tv one moment when a guy is kissing, and I’m once again wanting to masturbate. All the Pop music talks about sex and my friends talk about sex. Almost all tv shows talk about sex. Eating a freaking banana reminds me of sex! I just don’t know how to break this I just wanna cum and give up. Ugh
Thank you so much it just feels like everything is a trigger. everything I do reminds me of sex!?! If I watch tv one moment when a guy is kissing, and I’m once again wanting to masturbate. All the Pop music talks about sex and my friends talk about sex. Almost all tv shows talk about sex. Eating a freaking banana reminds me of sex! I just don’t know how to break this I just wanna cum and give up. Ugh. And when it comes to a plan what is that supposed to consist of?
They just started and working on a new Fellowship called PA.
Porn addict Anonymous
As of now it is only available in New York
Do you recommend it?
Yeah, unfortunately society believes the greater liberality we have with sex, the more free we will be, so there are temptations everywhere, not that we are supposed to be puritans or something, but this constant bombardment is definitely having detrimental effects.
Firstly, we need to be developing good habits and virtues to replace this bad habit. Virtue is the mean between two extremes, so if we have too much or even too little of something, that isn’t good, and what that middle area is going to be different for various things. In our case as porn addicts, our mean is going to be different from those who do not have this issue. For instance, we might not be able to go to the beach like other people can because it is tempting. That can kind of be like an alcoholic going to the bar. It might not be a good area for us to be in because of our situation, at least in early stages of our addiction. The point is we will have to do things that others won’t have to in order to stay pure, so, as @MikeSeekingHope said, figure out your triggers and avoid them, and if you find more as you progress in recovery, add them to the list.
Avoid those shows and yes, if it’s that much of a problem, cut up the banana so it’s not a trigger. We are going have to go to some extremes in some cases to conquer this. As sexual/lustful thoughts will often be the start of relapsing, we need to be diligent in keeping these thoughts out as well, which will be hard, but we have to work on replacing these thoughts with good thoughts. When a bad thought comes in, just redirect it toward something good. Think about camping or something. Something you enjoy that isn’t sexual. The new habits you develop will also give you something to look forward to and help you enjoy your sober life. We need to retrain our brains to seeing sobriety as better than the addiction. These habits will also help you build self-confidence and help you feel better about yourself. Do art, work out, read, and many on here will encourage service to others in need, because we need to get outside of ourselves. I don’t know if you’re religious, but I’ve found strength through prayer and my faith to keep fighting the good fight. Definitely read through different threads on here and stories of others. There’s a commonality among all addictions. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you fall, and be willing to reach out for help, either here or to others in your life who you believe will be willing to help you. You’ll find the people on here are really friendly and willing to help those who need it. In the heat of temptation, run. It’s cowards who win this battle. Leave the situation ASAP so you don’t fall. Cold showers are great in quenching the fires of lust. Holding your breath as long as you are able can help as well.
Some stuff I’ve learned from messing up a lot. There a lot of good posts from others on battle plans against porn. Use the search bar and just look for porn addicts or sex addicts or something like that. You’ve got this!
Some things, like the banana, you will want to learn how to desexualize at some point obviously.
I would recommend SA meetings.
Both of you are just a bit too young…
You have to be 18 years of age in order to attend a sa meeting
@cjthedj, as @MoShain said, you won’t be able to start going to SA until you are 18. However, I believe some of the reading material may still be beneficial to you. Google it or just go to SA.org There are other programs that help with this problem too, but SA is the one I use.
Sounds like you’re getting heavy urges to act out. When those come, you need to get up and go do something. Sitting in one spot battling the urges in your mind is a bad idea, I speak from experience.
Also, I notice you posting a lot, and a lot of it is very similar stuff. I encourage you to spend some time reading other topics and participating in the community. There is a lot of wisdom here and reading what AAs and NAs are going through and doing to stay sober has helped me immensely.
Totally agree with @MikeSeekingHope and @TheTwilightRunner one their words of wisdom. Recovery is a reshaping of your life and future. The fact that you’ve come here signifies that you are ready to begin the refining process. You start as a lump of iron, but will soon find that the trials you go through are similar to being thrust into the fires of the forge and then being beaten down on the anvil. This recovery process is messy, sweaty and difficult, but as you go through it you find that the imperfections are beaten out and the heat has forged you stronger than ever.
Here’s the program I have used. Theres a free download of the 12 step program: https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/home?lang=eng