Just wanted to put this out there. I’m still weak.
I wanted to act out so bad yesterday. Tried to break past my filters. Got real desperate to get my fix of porn. Than went to our family Christmas party. Still wanted to act out. Driving back home at 3:00am.
Still wanted to act out. Uuugh!
I’m in a little better place now. Locks expired this morning and reset them until tomorrow. My mother is coming from Michigan today to celebrate Christmas. Not in the greatest Festive mood today. Merry Christmas. Bah humbug. I’ll be glad when it is over.
Good thing is you haven’t acted out. So congrats to you. And good job on resetting your locks. You know what you have to do, so just keep it up. What part of Michigan? Although I’m not a believer that it’s Jesus’ birthday,I am glad He was born. So maybe try thinking about that and how He has great plans for you.
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You are absolutely right, @Victorious. It’s a very good thing that I didn’t act out.
Today is going well so far.
My mother is from Battle Creek. That’s where I grew up.
It takes her 5 hours to drive here to Wauconda, IL.
I’m glad the day’s going well. Battle Creek cool. Lots of nice history there; it’s cool that you grew up there. I used to visit Cassopolis for camp and stuff.
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To everyone fighting the good fight. Keep pressing towards eliminating this terrible habit. This porn will have you questioning yourself, messing up your mental and affect you in ways you didn’t know it could. I’m watching significantly less and no more M. Just now have to stay off live chat. Harder than it sounds.
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Deleted it all. Live chat accounts… Tumblr and all. All accounts gone!
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10 days off material… Leaving the BS behind.
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40 days of sobriety …still counting…
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Day 12, I have hit the low sex drive phase.
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Hi @Newpath30. Nice to meet you. Computers nowadays, offer an easy way for us PAs to get our fix.
It offers anonymity, accesability, and affordability.
It’s good that you’ve deleted your accounts.
Keep up the good work and let me know if you got any good ideas to help a fellow addict manage his computer and phone better.
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Congrats! Stay vigilant
Keep pushing, about to hit 2 weeks! That’s awesome work!
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Hey @Swim_Track_18, glad to see you continuing to get up. Has there been anything rough going on in your life you wanna share?
I know I always used to squash feelings. It’s tough to stay sober if life feels difficult. I know you identify very strongly within your religion. But what’s going on inside? You don’t have to tell me, but maybe try telling someone. Message me or write it all down if you need to get it out. Remember to stay grateful!
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Hey @Mtrav0040, glad I am still here fighting. I guess I am alright with sharing, though I am very hesitant for whatever reason.
I go though lots of emotions, but I don’t show them to others (maybe that’s what you meant by squash feelings). Some days I feel like I need to be checked for depression, other days anxiety, other days I am fine so nothing should be checked. I seem to have internal fights with myself because I tell myself that I should’t relapse and then turn around and say I should. The struggle is real, they say, haha. But the thing I keep feeling almost every time is loneliness; I am fighting this fight alone and I seriously feel lonely at times. I guess that is what is going on inside me. 
Yes, I do identify strongly though I hope I am not pushing it on anyone in anyway haha. 
Maybe I will message sometime. I need to start building a support group I guess. Seems to work for others and all at least. Not sure who to ask. I have a friend I am thinking about bringing this up with, but I just haven’t dared to do so. Not sure why I am so hesitant (again, haha).
Thanks for reaching out to me, though. I am glad to that I am loved a bit on here. Maybe I am not so alone 
I am grateful, again, for another chance to change.
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Oh, and Day 2 is complete
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Yes, my friend. All of these things would lead me to use. Plus every other feeling that made me feel low; boredom, illness, rainy days, etc. That internal dialogue is tough to deal with. Breaking the Cycle by George Collins helped me begin to deal with that inner voice. I can’t overstate the importance of that book in my recovery.
I had to come up with a way to identify what I was feeling and find a way to combat it with something constructive. If I was depressed, I’d talk it out or write it out. If I was anxious, I’d exercise and try not to focus on the things I had no control over. If I was lonely, I’d call a friend or family member or take my dog for a walk. Anything to get away from a place of quiet and comfort where I could act out. It’s always a choice to use. Choose to live.
You’re responsible for creating the program and figuring what you’ve gotta do and when you’ve gotta do it. If you need help, reach out for addiction counseling. Prayer and some solitude in nature always helped me to answer those questions about where my next step should be.
Congrats on 2 days! Let’s see if you can make 2 weeks.
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14 days!!!
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Awesome milestone @Newpath30!
Is there anything you owe this success to? What are you doing differently to stay the course?