Is it true that people in early recovery shouldn’t engage in romantic relationships? If that’s true, then what’s the rule for people in recovery that are married?
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The advice about relationships in early recovery goes alongside advice about making any big life decisions. It best not to start a relationship but if you are already in one then communication, understanding, patience, honesty and forgiveness have got to be the key to surviving recovery.
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Thank you for clearing that up. My husband was asking me about that and I didn’t know how to answer. I wasn’t sure if there was a rule for already existing relationships. All I could tell him was stories that I’ve heard or read where significant others either stuck by their person or left the relationship.
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There are no ‘rules’ about married people and recovery. It is, however, good to be honest and upfront with your husband and keep communication open. Both of you being compassionate, having empathy for eachother’s journey and experience and a lot of patience will be helpful. 
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Hence the need to be open and honest all the way. If your SO isn’t on the journey with you, then I would say it’s best to help them understand what is happening to you. So that you can grow together.
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I’ve been pretty good at being open and honest with where I am in this and trying to get him to understand. There’s lots of pain there because his father was an alcoholic for many years. Thankfully he is sober now. I believe it’s been hard on my husband because it reminds him of bad times from his own childhood.
I’ve also expressed a desire to quit in the past, but that’s what I was still listening to my demons and didn’t TRULY believe a problem existed. So, I totally understand my husband’s disconnect at the moment. He is scared and doesn’t want this cycle to continue any longer.
I did express today how deep my desire is to remain sober, but that I could only do it day by day and that I need to actively choose to make the right choices as each day passes. Although my confidence level in my ability is quite high and I believe in myself, I can’t make others feel that way. His feelings are valid. Everything is still so fresh with only a week under my belt.
I can only focus on choosing sobriety each day and hope to get the support from him. But I’m not going to let that get in the way of the path I’ve decided to take.
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I am definitely being open and honest and it feels good. I am doing all that I can to ensure a better life for myself and taking on each day as it comes. Making the appropriate choices for my new life. All I can do is work on myself and put forth effort each day.
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I went into rehab married but by the skin of our teeth. Through openness and patience our relationship recovered the more time I had clean. As far as starting a relationship, as others have mentioned, it’s not a wise move. I have seen way too many people in recovery hook up with other addicts in the rooms and they bring each other down. Too many relationships that end with deceit, lies, cheating and now there’s a volatile environment in the meetings for them because they both went to the same meetings. What I’ve seen time and time again, one or both end up in active addiction because the rooms that helped them stay clean or sober they stopped going to because their ex was there. Sometimes both stopped going to meetings bec6they thought the other would be there.
Be honest with your husband, but don’t romanticize the drinking part. My wife went to ALANON while I was still in rehab so she heard from others she wasn’t the only one to feel guilt, rage, blaming herself for not seeing the signs earlier. By her going, I was shown how far she was willing to go to keep our family together, which in turn made me fight for my sobriety even harder. She stopped going about 2 months ago because she was the only spouse or loved one who wasn’t still in active addition. Are you in a position to suggest to your husband help from ALANON?
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I made mention of him finding a support group before I even knew what alanon was, but I think I will talk to him about it. He is at his dad’s right now and he wanted to talk with him because his dad was an alcoholic for many years. I think he’s trying to gain some insight on what I may be going through. I feel that’s a good step, but that he also needs to talk to people who have an unbiased opinion whether it be therapy or alanon because his dad adores me. And maybe him finding comfort in the fact that he’s not alone with being in love with an addict will bring him some peace.
We are slowly but surely communicating more and going back to couple’s therapy to work out this problem as best as we can. Everything is fresh still and I know he just needs time. And like you said, the rage and other negative emotions will dissipate after I’ve been sober for x amount of time. I don’t expect him to take my word right now as the gospel truth and I understand his frustrations with me. It’s totally fair.
I just hope as each days passes and I remain sober, that he sees my progress and feels more at ease. I’ve got to rebuild that friendship and trust with him.
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Remember one thing Bryn, you never have to drink again. There are so many things in life that we can’t control, but whether we pick up that first drink or use that first drug is all on us. I say this every day, “today I will not use no matter what”! As long as I complete that one task, my day ended in victory.
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I will have to include that in my daily mantra! Thanks for the replies. I appreciate it.
I always figured that they didn’t want you to start NEW relationships. My guess is that it could be dangerous to look to someone else to bring you love and happiness. We need to do that for ourselves first.
But what does this mean for existing relationships…it certainly doesn’t mean to leave them or anything like that, but it might mean that you need to make some very selfish decisions right now to put your sobriety first. If you need to get to a meeting, get to a meeting no matter how much it inconveniences your partner. It’s time to make yourself the most important person in your life.
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Bryn, you are on the right track. Just keep your focus and “do you”.
As you know, you can’t control what others think and do.
All you can do as they say is “keep your side of the street clean”.
What will be will be!
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I might consider couples therapy, where you can keep an open dialog without recriminations?
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