Could use some advise cause I gotta tell ya…It aint working for me. I’m sober at the moment…that’s why I’m here. And I DON’T WANT TO DRINK!
Dont want to reset that clock again and honestly I’m wondering at the moment if that is adding to my stress…not to knock it but I’m pretty irrational at the moment. I keep hearing to come here in moments of desperation so here I am. Probably won’t be here for but a couple minutes cause hubby is waiting to go do errands. But I’m shaking I’m so stinking angry at life at the moment and I can’t calm down.
Multiple triggers since I opened my eyes this morning, including my well meaning husband whose trying to be supportive but cannot understand he’s sending me in the opposite direction…and I’m not in the right frame of mind to calmly verbalize that. I can barely think straight enough to type this.
I have bipolar 2 and PTSD, we both do and when one of us goes off it’s easy to trigger the other one and trust me…it gets ugly fast!! It’s a good thing we live alone and in the woods …lol! He doesn’t drink or use any substance except food…my life long coping skill has been booze.
I have ativan but it knocks me out for the day and is only minimally effective and also addicting.
So what the hell else is there cause honestly I don’t see how I am ever gonna be completely abstinent if I cant find something that works as fast as a couple shots of whiskey. And if I have a couple…it won’t stop there!
Too many things to list…just …idk where to start. Ugh! Gotta think a minute…sorry
- WINTER SUCKS…and I really need to get the hell outta Dodge but am friggen trapped here for multiple reasons…long story.
- I;m In constant physical agony…Fibro, back pain, and migraines all week including a full day in the ER getting it under control.
- A TOXIC long time girl friend who I’ve forgiven multiple times and tried to work things out with … struck again…and I’ve cut her out completely this time…another long story.
- Sobriety is definityly the hardest thing I’ve ever attempted but the most determined thing ive ever wanted to do and I keep failing.
5…my mood SUCKS…and my well meaning hubby out of frustration this morning said I was easier to live with when I allowed my self a couple drinks at night (in his mind, not depriving myself, especially at my worst time of year). He doesnt knwo that the last several weeks before I decided to quit I was closet drinking heavily.
6…I’m NOT the type to bottle things up…at all!..but I havent been talking to anyone else other than one of my brothers who is also attempting sobriety. His life is falling completely appart so I try to listen more than talk to him though.
7…And I guess one of the biggest things…and I’m only scratching the surface with this pathetic list…Is Ive come to the realisation that I’ve been a caregiver TO A FAULT since my abusive childhood…another long story…and now that I am In desperate need of support…I CANNOT ask for it and I am completely convinced that NO ONE IN MY LIFE IS AVAILABLE TO GIVE IT TO ME!!!
8…AND NOW MY NEEDY PAIN IN THE ASS IS READY TO GO…UGH!!!
I wish typing all this helped…but not at the moment
Thank you for listening
Please pray for me if that is something you believe in
Can you let him go do errands and maybe go on a walk or to the gym? Deep breathing and meditation (with YouTube) may help. Does take a while to get used to it, but it’s a nice time out then you realize that things are not that bad.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? My suggestion would be to find one and go. Not only will it remove you from your head space, but it can reinforce your desire to not take a drink or 5. Have you ever been to one before?
Go drop and do pushups or sit ups until failure. Pound dirt with something. Take time out. Don’t go do errands, or go solo. Drive n scream. Examples of what works for me at times.
there aren’t any in my area… I’ve looked. The closest thing is Smart Recovery an hour a way once a week.
Send hubby out to do the errands so you got some alone time.
I would suggest exercise to burn the anger but with fibro I assume that’s not that possible. So…long hot bath, a good book maybe get some self help books on anger control? Turn music up full and shut the voice in your head out whilst singing along. Hope you feel calmer later x
I recently lost my wife and children due to alcohol abuse. Anger is just an emotion that is a mask for a bigger underlying emotion. Whether it be hurt, sadness, shame. I am a very angry person myself. Maybe try to take a step back and truly think about what is going on deep down, and try to identify what might be causing the anger, because that anger is just a product of something else. Go for a walk, or somewhere where you can be by yourself and try to sort through your thoughts. Breathe deeply, know that you alone control everything that is going on in your mind. Ask yourself what the best solution may be to the way you are currently feeling, and do not rush it. Whether it may be to sit by yourself for a bit, read a book, go for a walk. I love to cook myself. If you enjoy that as well, Pick a recipe to cook or bake that you have never tried before, and focus on that. Once you can take your mind away from the anger you are feeling, start exploring your emotions. Addiction is hard, but we as people will never know what we are truly made of until we are put into positions of struggle and self test. Be strong, you got this!!!
YouTube search ‘AA women speakers’
It’s free and the next best thing. Actually listening to AA speaker meetings is my favorite!
SIGH…Ok. I have calmed down a bit, finally. First, I want to thank everyone who replied because it really is confirming to me what a valuable lifeline this is. And the replies given show unequivocally that everyone who gives them knows without a doubt the anguish that is going on inside me because you’ve walked in these shoes. To me and obviously to everyone here that is invaluable. No one else, no matter how well meaning they are, can understand and they run the risk of saying what can easily be just the wrong thing, thinking they are “helping”.
Many of the suggestions go through my head, and some I’ve tried. Some do help sometimes, others don’t. I’m very isolated in many ways where I live which is why everything online is the best hope for me. I do intend to make an effort to connect with the “Safe Recovery” meeting that is an hour from here (the closest of anything) next week. I’ve learned from there I may be able to connect with private meetings which hopefully there will be one closer. I have tried AA in the past in person and recently again online and I emphasize emphatically that I am not saying anything against it in any way because I truly know it has helped thousands and thousands of people recover and stay sober the rest of their lives and it’s an excellent program. But it just isn’t the right fit for me, or my brother actually. The other program is just a better one for us.
Exercise…YES! I need it…love it. But as someone mentioned with the fibro, deep friggin snow and mud, and no local place to safely walk on the roads without getting hit by some kid texting and driving…seriously!..it’s happened several times locally! And no local gym…hows that for self defeating road blocks? Disgusting right?
Music? Yes! Definitely one of my biggest stress reducers…hands down…favorite somgs…cleaning my home singing at the top of my lungs without distraction!! The roadblock to that one? Im NEVER home alone!!! IT MAKES ME ABSOLUTELY NUTS!!!
Some how that just posted …and I’m still not done…LOL.
My husbands issues and mine collide in ways that are unhealthy for both of us but we love each other and are constantly working on improving them. He has OCD and a pretty bad anxiety about going outside his comfort zone…especially home! We are self employed and work together , and we’ve gotten much better at giving each other space at home which has been good. But in many ways it meets his needs more than mine and that is because I am that caregiver and cannot seem to articulate what I need until I explode in a fit of rage.
PAUSE…Is this even appropriate? Venting all this? I start typing and just keep going on like it’s a therapy session…ugh! The funny thing? I’ts calming me down more. Maybe I should just be writing it in a journal? 
IDK 
This is kinda random, but I got the “calm” app yesterday. Hoping it’ll b helpful.
@Michael_H
Thank you…I will look that up and give it a try. Thank you for the link I just noticed it too.
I tried listening to a podcast last night linked to that other program. It is an educational discussion about sobriety with these two women…actually quite interesting for as long as I could listen. But it wasn’t very long …and again, this is me…not them…I just can’t focus and get so impatient with the small talk. Sounds obnoxious of me right? It’s just where I’m at right now. That’s not the real me…I generally love people and when I feel good am very social. And I love to laugh. But I can’t even stand to be around me right now. I will give it a try though…almost anything is worth a try.
@SweetTea
Interesting…listened to the first 3 minute session. Helped a little I think.
Worth a try…the music is nice…thanks…
@Michael_H
Lol…ok…yes…I like this talk. She’s good, and funny…and so far…I’m paying attention…thank you.
Glad you are listening to speakers. I listen when I drive. Or at home with earbuds during my morning meditation time. (I wake up at least an hour early for this alone/self reflection time. It helps me whole day:)
There’s endless speakers on YouTube! All about 50 minutes and all follow basically the format of “what we were like, what happened, and what we are like now”.