Rambling Trail

I don’t think she feels comfortable with any approach at the moment, to be honest. And by that I just mean, she’s leery to put much hope into anything right now. Too much disappointment, too many times. But in regards to treatment, I think the idea is to try and manage for the next couple months and then get into a place for some treatment. It won’t matter if I’m feeling great and staying sober, I’ll do it regardless when I have insurance. I do journal, so looking back on those entries and my posts here, will help reinforce the idea that even at a few months sober, I’m not out of the woods and still need to address some issues.

I do have some habits I can employ that help me manage my moods. Meditation, exercise, eating well (and I’ve been researching foods and supplements that are supposed to help reduce anxiety and depression). Just having a routine is good for me in general. Stress seems to be a trigger for my mood swings, so some manageable and realistic consistency with my daily routine I’m hoping will reduce stress. I don’t think those habits necessarily “solve” the issue, but they may help make things a bit more manageable for the time being.

I’ve been reading up on bipolar and just depression in general. Specifically coping skills around them. I’ve been going over the links you sent me and they’ve got some really useful info and tools I want to try to utilize, so I appreciate that. :hugs:

All that being said, her and I are both in consensus that if at any point over the next couple months, I start slipping into a depressive mood, that we’ll just shell out the money and I’ll get in somewhere quicker. We’ve both been around it long enough to see the warning signs creeping in, before it’s a full blown meltdown. Currently, I’m feeling more motivated and optimistic. So thats good.

3 Likes

It sounds like you’re on the same page as much as you can be, and you understand where she’s at which is great.

I’m really pleased those links are helpful to you. I’ve been having a look through them again myself and picked up some good bits!

And good call on being prepared to dip into savings if you need to. Although it sounds like you’ve got the mindset to give you the best chance of staying on an even keel. Just got to remember that when you’re feeling great, not to start piling on extra things that could later become stressful (am talking to myself as much as you here :see_no_evil:). Basically it’s ok to coast for a couple of months :sailboat::grin:

1 Like

This is the first I’ve heard of this. I never really researched anything on the topic, because I always blew it off. I’m going to read up on this more, but it looks like I can just buy a lithium orotate supplement over the counter.

I started taking magnesium and incorporating some other plants into my diet, that are supposed to help. I’ve been reading about how a diverse variety of plants can alter your gut biome, which can significantly help your mental health. I have no idea how much of an impact it could make, but it’s worth trying. It’s gotta be better than a couple cases of beer a day. :wink:

4 Likes

My take, mental health treatment is worth more than money. I know it seems like a lot of money, but what if without the help you don’t keep your job and get your benefits?

My approach to recovery is mental health first. My recovery program is with my therapist and psychiatrist, then with you all. I did a dual diagnosis IOP in my first five months. I would never have found success without managing my mental health first and foremost.

6 Likes

Yeah. You’re right. I need to prioritize my mental wellbeing, first and foremost. More money can always be made and as you said, if I don’t take care of my mental state there may not be a job or income anyway. It has to be the foundation.

I had another talk with my wife tonight and I’m going to make an appointment as soon as possible. I’ll be giving them a call tomorrow. My wife actually seemed more at ease with this approach, I think she was having some reservations about my plan to wait.

I really appreciate your input. I may have been BSing myself a bit. :grimacing::roll_eyes:

3 Likes

Bullshitting ourselves about our mental health is pretty common, especially when it feels like another major battle on top of the recovery we are already fighting for. But it becomes so much easier to deal with addiction recovery when our mental health recovery starts to stabilize. They become one in the same and suddenly there is a brighter light at the end of the tunnel.

Honestly, for me, taking care of my mental health makes staying sober more achievable, almost easy. For me, when my mental health makes some sort of sense I don’t even thing about drinking or using.

3 Likes

This is what I’m hoping for. I’m at a point where I can go months without drinking and honestly I’m not even tempted during that time. I’ll give almost no thought to wanting to drink. I’ll be most focused on growth and just trying to become a happier and healthier person. I’ll be doing all the standard recovery stuff. Meetings, step work, exercise, meditation, etc.

But then these depressive moods hit and all my logic and ability to reason goes out the window. All my coping skills seem inaccessible and it’s like I’m unable to employ them. That’s the area I’ve come to accept that I really need some more help with. It’s something I can’t seem to navigate on my own.

2 Likes

None of us can do mental health alone. It’s very much like recovery. I’m glad you are getting the help you need, my friend. I’ve been worried about you for a long time.

:heart:

1 Like

I’ve got my intake assessment at the behavioral health center scheduled for next Thursday. I’m glad I was talked into not waiting a couple months for my insurance benefits to take effect. As much as I’ve fought this for a long time, I feel a sense of relief to know that I’ll be accessing some additional professional help. I’m feeling optimistic that I can really use this added help to get over the hump on this recovery business.

On a different note, I decided a couple days ago to fly up to Alaska for the week. I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning. I’ve still got a condo up there and I need to do some work on it, so I can get it rented back out. I’ll do some showings while I’m there too. I’ve got the time before I start my new (old) job next Monday, and having it vacant has been weighing on me. It’s an $1,100 bill every month that it’s vacant.

I’ll have plenty of time to see my parents and my brother’s family. I’m excited to see my nephews and niece more than anything. I haven’t been back home in over a year. I’ll be with my family the whole time and they’re painfully aware of my drinking issues, so that means they’re 100% supportive of my recovery. That makes it easier, not that I have any inclination to drink anyway.

I’m excited to be out of this heat for a week. I’ll be able to go out for some decent runs in the cooler weather. I’m hoping I can get a hike or two in, as well. The mountains here don’t quite compare.

5 Likes

It’s been super busy up here in, Alaska, since I arrived 3 days ago. I’m spending all day working on my condo and then spending the evenings with the family. I’m busy, but it’s busy with good things. I’m getting a lot of quality Uncle time in.

I’ve got my arraignment phone call on Wednesday, so that’s hanging over me a bit. We’ll see how that goes. I’ve got my intake FaceTime call on Thursday, but I’m eager to get that process started.

The good news is, I’ve found some tenants for my place, so they’ll sign a lease and get keys on Wednesday. That’s a big financial burden off my back.

I’ve been so busy, I haven’t been on here much the last few days and I haven’t even given much thought to my recovery. I always feel like I have to be so vigilant in my recovery and it’s on my mind so often, that sometimes it becomes a stressor of it’s own. It’s been nice to be preoccupied with life for a short while and get a break from the constant analyzing I do regarding my sobriety. I know I can’t always distract from it and I don’t want to. But for now, it’s nice. I also know I wouldn’t be handling any of these responsibilities or be present to see my niece and nephews if I weren’t sober. I’m going to enjoy these next few days of vacation and then it’s back to the regular routine.

3 Likes

I had my initial mental health assessment on, Wednesday. My psych evaluation is scheduled for this coming, Wednesday, and my first therapy appointment is scheduled for, Friday. I’m glad to be making headway.

I felt embarrassed at times during my assessment. It’s strange having to admit that at times I can’t get out of bed or even shower, because I’m so depressed. It’s embarrassing to try and communicate the “triggers” and stressors that I struggle with because they sound so minor to me. When I hear the words coming out of my mouth they just sound like regular life problems and challenges. I guess I just struggle with life at times. It’s hard for me to not minimize my issues. I often feel like I should be able to just man up and deal with things. This has taken a decent level of humility for me. A humility that I’ve honestly just been beaten into, due to constant failures and relapses. Part of me wants to be diagnosed with something so that I have an answer for why I am the way I am. Part of me is afraid to be defined by an illness.

On another note, I got my condo in Alaska painted and fixed up. I got a lease signed and payment, so that’s a huge financial monkey off my back. I fly back out to Arizona tomorrow.

I start my new job on, Monday. I worked for the same company for most of 2019. I went on a bender and stopped showing up to work, last October. Surprisingly, management wants to hire me back. I did a good job while I was there. I just made a shitty exit. I’m a little nervous to have to field all the questions from coworkers about what happened. It’ll be awkward, but I figure that will only last a couple weeks.

I was able to spend yesterday and today helping my younger brother and his family move into their new home. It’s been nice to just be of service to someone else. I haven’t thought much about my issues during the last couple days and it’s been a welcomed break. my issues usually consume my thoughts to a point where it’s not helpful. I get to a point where I’m just dwelling and it’s not beneficial.

5 Likes

Sounds like you had a super productive time in Alaska. Glad the condo stuff worked out. I have a tiny little house I bought just before I met hubby, and I rent it out. Can be stressful figuring all that stuff out so I’m glad you’ve got that sorted. Have a safe trip back!

1 Like

It was really productive and I got some quality family time in. I’m glad I came up.

It can be stressful at times, especially because I’m not usually here to deal with things personally. But it all worked out, so that monkey is off my back. Feels good to check something off the list.

1 Like

I was so sure today would be completely uncomfortable and awkward. I went back to work at my old company and I had expectations that there’d be tons of questions from my coworkers, regarding my abrupt exit. I also expected some uncomfortable conversations with management. I spent yesterday evening and this morning completely anxious over how the day would go. Anxiety over situations exactly like this one, have been a big excuse to drink in the past.

It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable at all. Everyone just welcomed me and told me they were glad I was back. I was given a few small projects to work on, just to get my feet wet again. I have a HUGE tendency to go straight to catastrophic thinking. I’ve very often assumed the worst outcome regarding situations I’m nervous or stressed about. I’d sabotage them, usually by drinking and just not showing up. I’d doom things to fail, before they ever had a chance to unfold.

I need to allow things to play out more often. Things almost never go the way I think they will. For me, that’s a good thing because I often assume they’ll go poorly. When I just show up and do my best, things usually go okay.

I think it was a blessing that I was so busy up in, Alaska, over this past week. It gave me little chance to fret over how today would play out. Had I given myself that week to brood and convince myself that it’d all go terribly, who knows if I’d have even made it to today.

I feel grateful today for this opportunity. Some big hurdles have been cleared over this last week. I’m slowly feeling my life start to stabilize in some areas.

4 Likes

I’m learning not to have expectations. I’m a doom and gloom over thinker with scenarios especially work ones. Glad it wasn’t so bad for you today.

1 Like

I always think about expectations in the context of expecting things to be better than they are and then being disappointed when the expectations aren’t met.

Now that I’m thinking about it, the expectation that things will go awry has probably been more detrimental to me over the years.

1 Like

Ya I think it can go both ways. For me personally, I’ll think or feel like I already know the outcome and more times than not it’s the opposite of what my mind plays out. I’m trying hard to break that habit… its hard though.

1 Like

image

1 Like

I had my evaluation today. The outcome was the same as the last two that I’ve done in the past. I was diagnosed Bipolar II. After hearing the psychiatrist’s description of the symptoms and reading about it some more, it certainly seems to fit the bill. I’m going to start on a mood stabilizer. My depressive episodes are the worst part. I don’t reach full on mania, but I definitely have elevated moods, at times. Usually they’re highly irrational and irritable. This medication should help with that and it also has some type of curbing effect on cravings, should any arise. I don’t usually even think much about drinking unless I’m in a depressed state.

I really felt heard by the Doctor though, and I communicated to him my concern that medication would dull or numb me. I like that I’m motivated and passionate when I’m feeling more stable and I don’t want to lose that part of me. He calmed my concerns about that.

I still feel some hesitation to taking medication. I don’t want to take something that’s going to alter me :roll_eyes:. Part of me feels like it’s weak. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve been altering and medicating myself with alcohol this whole time. So I don’t know why I have this double standard. That being said, I’m going to follow through with it. Had I been able to sort this out on my own, I would have already done it. I can manage my alcoholism through recovery programs and a plethora of other coping skills that I’ve learned, for a period of time, but these depressive moods seem to override all of that when they hit.

I’ll have my first individual therapy session on Friday. The doctor encouraged me to continue with meetings. I haven’t been to an AA or RD meeting since my last relapse. Mostly, out of shame. I’m debating on which program I want to pursue. I like things about both programs.

I’m hoping this component of addressing my mental health issues with a professional, will be the last piece of the puzzle I need to get over this hump of stringing together a few months of sobriety and then relapsing epically. At first, the idea of having to partake in a recovery program, meetings, individual therapy sessions, and medication seemed like a lot. But I am talking about my life. How much is too much, if it’s going to help me recover and get my life back on a healthy path? When the alternative is living a miserable life as an alcoholic or finally getting the courage to kill myself, the option to access this help doesn’t seem so bad.

I continue to feel encouraged today. I feel like I’m moving in a positive direction.

4 Likes

Taking medication for mental health isn’t weak… although you are not alone with thinking that or feeling that way. It’s like a diabetic or anyone else with a disease you need to take the medication to live and live healthy. I tell me son all the time. If it helps why not?

2 Likes